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level.
I still have a certain need for approval in my life at times. Im changing. I dont want to need anyone elses approval. As soon as i need it then they have my power and control me. I am good enough or else pee off really.
For example, i love my sister but she can be hard to be with, she gives a little and withdraws so conversation sometime doesnt flow well. Before, i was the wee sister who would dance around to make her happy or laugh or just to get rid of silence. I let her control me, or her moods or her unhappiness. I give my true self away for this. Its the typical alcoholic thing as well, give a little, withdraw, sit back and wait for the clown to arrive, the giver. I dont want to be a clown, those days are over for me.
Im more about equality, give and take. Im not a human sacrifice. This has shifted our relationship. When my sister is moody and quiet, then thats her choice, so i just let her own it and i sit in the awkwardness with her or i dont wait around for long. The alternative is not worth it to me. I am willing to give, my fair share, to the relationship but i want to receive too. She doesnt really know how to give, well not to me anyway so there lies the dilemma.
Our relationship has shifted, we both feel it, we have drifted apart. I dont go visit her very much, we talk on the phone about meaningless stuff really. We were so close for years. What ive realised is that i was clingy and needy with her, i was desperate for affection, attention so i would do anything to get it. I was great company for my sister really, a little dancing bear. The bears dead. Theres more to me than a people pleaser. Im a big grown up woman now and its just about ended our relationship and so be it really. To be close with my sister is way too much to ask of myself. So, its time for me to accept that our relationship is this and not that. End of story.
This speaks to me el-cee, it describes me to a tee in many, many relationships. Not needing approval is a huge battle for me and one I am really conscious of every day.
But not with my sister, that has gone a whole other way!
My sister is young, and extremely controlling. She has an opinion on how everyone should be doing everything (I think i was the same at her age). Anyway I used to get angry and tell her to stop spouting off about things she had no experience with or real understanding of (like marriage, raising children, she's 20 and unmarried....lol) and she didn't much like me disagreeing so we didn't talk much. I think i would get so angry because she was so critical of what I should do as a wife, mother etc and I couldn't stand to have her looking down her nose at me....so it was still needing approval...Now I just let her say whatever she has to say, tell her she's entitled to her opinion and move on. So we get along well now, she confides in me even and we are quite close. It's a huge difference, I've found that when I disregard the opinionated nonsense (and some of it is real clench your teeth kind of stuff lol) there are aspects to her that are such a delight to get to know. I used to be so distracted by the loud opinions I missed out on the good stuff.
Sorry, thats way off track but you just got me thinking about how my relationship with her has changed because of al-anon. Maybe when your sister and you both get used to things being different you might find a whole new way to relate, you never know. Noone much liked it when I stopped buying into drama or trying to please everyone and make them like me but a lot of relationships have been made anew...the adjustment is uncomfortable but it isnt always an end, you know?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks Mel, Im actually okay with an end if you know what I mean. The end of our relationship is really because parts of me have died. Im alive in a different way now and I think you might be right, we are at the beginning of something new.
And yeah I was the dancing bear too. You described this so well!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I played that part well. It was all fear based,
'if I dont put on the high energy, funny act then I might feel the truth of our relationship and I cant bear that so I will keep up the act, you will be pleased because it feels like we are having a good time'
Eh!!! No, if its not a good relationship, lets feel it, lets get to the truth, lets let it grow healthily if it can. I spent too long doing the same thing over and over. Insanity!!!
Yep it was all fear, as soon as the slightest hint of bad mood appeared out came the desperate entertainer. I spent a lot of money buying things to keep people from showing their unhappiness too. Gifts, meals, anything to try to keep everyone smiling. Hard to even think about now really.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Me too Mel. I think Im coming to see that while I behaved this way I was lying to everyone including myself, manipulating people to avoid the truth or reality. I love reality now, Im not scared of the truth, mostly. So, my sister and I's relationship was built for years on the me who lied and manipulated and was full of fear. Im not that person anymore so its different, less comfortable, more truthful and it will either manouvre to allow us to continue to be close or it wont. In some ways it depends on her, does that sound wrong? I might not see the full truth of it, maybe im waiting for her to change and fit my new thinking. I want her to suddenly become a healthy thinker. I may still be controlling, wanting it my way or nothing??? Maybe.
Its a struggle when we are together, she is mostly negative, everything is black, she doesnt like being challenged and my way of thinking challenges her so at times she laughs at me, boo hoo, sounds ridiculous to write that. she seems to have a bit of hard time accepting me, this new me. she kind of makes out Im nuts or Im silly or Im just the younger sister, what do I know. So, for our relationship to continue either I accept her and her sick thinking and misery or she accepts me and this new way of thinking and maybe opens her mind to actually consider my views. I think im okay with her disagreeing with me and I would love to thrash it out but she plays the victim card so often with all sorts of justifications and remains trapped in her current thinking.
My serenity and being true to myself has risen above all else, even my beloved sister.
It has been good to let this out. I can see now that Im a bit angry at myself and her for my past selling of my soul. Moulding myself to be what others wanted me to be makes me a bit angry. I love my sister as she is right now. I can have healthy boundaries for myself in how I respond to her. I can look at all her god points for which there are many and I can choose to not let her negativity affect me in any way.x
Great awareness and share LC.and I love Ms. M's contribution as well. The honesty and clarity of which you both speak did touch my spirit .
I remember many years ago saying:" I am not the entertainment any longer", and meaning. It. I agree relationships with my entire family did change from that point on, and in the beginning it was difficult. I stuck with my Al-Anon tools, placed principles above personalities continued to keep the focus on myself, refusedto gossip and criticize and wonder of wonders today the relationship with everyone is constructive and pleasant. I no longer have to entertain
Al-Anon tools are amazing, and when we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, recovery takes off in leaps and bounds. Thanks for sharing today
This is one of my larger issues too. I'm career invested in helping people and it's been a challenge to judge outcomes in my life based on intermal notions and spiritual ones from my hp (asking self and hp "Am I doing good?") rather than looking for praise and validation from others. Yes, being loved and accepted are basic needs. It is not normal to want zero approval. It is abnormal to let it rule my life and dictate my worth.
Sure!! Once AH knew that, in the initial first few years of marriage, that his approval meant alot to me, he used my need to manipulate and hurt my feelings. I let that happen to me!! Now I know better, I do not need to have everyone or anyones approval (except when it comes to work situations and the like), I follow my heart and put my best foot forward in an honest fashion there is no need for constant validation. What a relief!! Thanks El-Cee for the topic!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
