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Since I received my new car, A has been sending me a lot of messages, which I have been ignoring. They all basically say "I want to get a job but I can't work without a car. it sucks sucks SUCKS, life is so unfair". Now he hasn't applied for a job since he quit his old one almost a year ago....after using my car to drive to work for 2 years he quit his job when i got my license and took the car back. At the time I was amazed that our relationship had degenerated to the point where he was actually quite happy to say he couldn't work unless I provided him with a vehicle. Anyway its just a little bit obvious that he suddenly needs a car for work when he hasn't mentioned working for all of this time. He's not subtle.
Anyway yesterday he kept sending messages that he URGENTLY needed to talk to me and, it was to propose some plan where I will give him the car and he will use it to get a job and then as a big reward he will pay me back the thousands of $$ he borrowed from me 4 years ago (and was going to repay...yep, when he got a job. Then he got a job which he insisted he could only do if I let him use my car, which he trashed, and never paid me a cent back, in fact while he was working he borrowed even more money and gambled everything he earnt.
But anyway blah blah, nothing new here, but he threw such a tantrum when i told him i would not give him the car. I offered to sell it to him for a low price and he was outraged, and I also offered to trade it for his computer (one of the things I paid for 4 years ago that he hasn't actually paid me back for). I need a decent computer so that would have worked for me. But he NEEDS his computer (to play computer games on all day long).
Basically no solution is acceptable to him other than I give him the car and when he realised I was SERIOUS about not giving it to him he threw a tantrum like a teenage boy and I suddenly became very busy and had to go. I do so enjoy our little chats but lets not have them anymore. The gist was that it is now my fault he can't have a job because I will not give him the car. Then came the "threats". As he cant work without a car he is going to have to move far far away and I'll never see him again. That one used to work on me, I guess I can't blame him for trying.
Anyway this is nothing new but it's a good reminder for me, even though I find myself missing him at times, he takes takes takes, I was always the provider even though I didn't have enough for myself and had a child to support. He lived rent free and ate all of my food for 2 years for crying out loud!!! The gifts, the loans, the free ride...and now I rent alone and he left me in such a terrible mess financially and he lives with his brother, and has no responsibilities, just drinks and plays computer games all day every day...and he wants more from me?
Why mention this, why even think about any of it? It's just a really good reminder of where I was, and how very, very sad and unbalanced the situation was. How did I allow that? When I had so much on my plate already, how did I allow a grown man to force me into the role of his caretaker, provider, financier and maid? What was attractive about that relationship where he insisted on being the child and demanded I be the parent? It makes me feel quite ill and this recent exchange with him makes me SO glad to be away from it and away from a situation where I could be so easily manipulated into throwing everything I had into a black hole.
It made me feel very, very grateful to be free of it. It was SO draining and I was so pliable, somehow i always got talked around until I was accepting things that I hated without even knowing how I had agreed to them. I love that I can choose what to do with my own things now. Yay for autonomy!!! Yay for not being manipulated! Yay for not feeling guilty just because someone else wants me to!! Just yay in general!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 18th of March 2015 11:07:37 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Yay for Mel! I tell people that my A didn't start out the way he ended up, he did the old bait and switch because if he'd started out whiny and needy and childish and mean-spirited, I wouldn't have given him a second thought. So I don't think you allowed the grown man to come into your life like that. Once mine started down that road I kept doing everything I could think of to go back to the way it was..... but the way it was, was a lie.
Yay for you!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
True LMH, he was independent and had pride and would even bring over food etc when he first started to infiltrate my life. But that soon turned into bringing over his dirty washing and his appetite and then his need to live on my couch....it never got good again yet I kept on for so many years...without wanting to dwell or blame it is, I think, important for me to remember how seriously sick and one sided the whole relationship was because I was very ill to have accepted it and even feared losing it so much! It reminds me that I need to be dilligent and keep working my program because as good as I am feeling right now, I am not magically just "better". This is a lifelong journey.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Yay for you! And so encouraging for me, to think that my current insanity can have an end if I want it to!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you so much for posting this, I really needed to read it and reflect on my own relationship. It's such a hard road, isn't it? But you ROCK! I can't wait until I'm at a place of complete peace and can look back at all this and just shake my head. ((hugs))
"Hmmm, Melly has a new car, let's see if we can sponge it off her. Nope, well, I'm a persistent guy, let's keep trying. Nope. Hmm, guess I'll have to keep sponging off brother and others instead."
It's my old car he wants Kenny, which I am selling. Not the new one, good grief I wouldn't be offering to trade that to him for an old computer!!
I'm still not just giving it to him. I've given him so much more than I ever wanted to already and it didn't help anyone, it just made me angry and resentful and he dependent and demanding.
No more!!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
