The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been busy this week, busier than I have been for years. Happy busy, I like what I am doing, my routine, and the home I relax in at night. But I have noticed that with a new busy lifestyle, and being away from my child, pets, home and comfort zone during the day, quite a few "pre-alanon" habits have started to surface.
I can almost watch these habits from outside myself; the dysfunction is so obvious to me now and I can talk myself through them in ways I could never have imagined before but they are still there and they are going to have to be addressed if I'm going to keep learning and growing.
The worst is the irrational fears. As soon as I think about leaving the house they begin. Again today I worried myself sick about where I had parked at the train station and had to fight with myself not to go home early. After class I had booked a massage and I was so close to cancelling it so as to get back to my car, which I had convinced myself was parked in a spot where it was likely to be damaged, desperate to get home to make sure the dog hadn't, oh I don't know, chewed his way through the front door or whatever it is I think he might do when I am out, and home to make sure daughter hadn't forgotten her keys again (god forbid she be locked outside and be forced to jump on her trampoline whilst listening to her ipod until I get home).
I did stay for the massage however, the first one I have had for about 6 months and oh wow. Last time I went, I was still living with A. It was not long after his last violent rage and I had been a jittery mess and the massage therapist had been so concerned by the extreme tension throughout my body, she had refused to give me a theraputic massage and told me I could not be treated until I brought a letter from a doctor giving me the all clear. I was so knotted up and yelped in pain when she touched me, and she was concerned there was some sort of serious muscular or nerve disorder going on. THATS how tense I was, it's hard to imagine. Today was bliss, I was relaxed, it didn't hurt. The difference was so profound; I realised my body doesn't hurt anymore. Everything used to hurt, all the time, it's hard to believe I lived like that and it was just part of life. I used to yell "ow!" whenever anyone touched me, sometimes before they touched me! I always thought I was just a giant sook, a ridiculous hypochondriac but today, realising my body doesn't hurt or have that hyper sensitivity anymore I realised it was real, psychosomatic I guess but really real. Yikes.
Anyway I got back and the car was unscathed, the dog hadn't done much other than gotten a dog food can from the rubbish bin and licked it clean (gasp!) and my daughter had remembered her keys, and was....in the back yard jumping on her trampoline and listening to her ipod...isn't it amazing the way the universe doesn't implode when I am not around to manage it?
I had 2 phone conversations this afternoon. The first was with my grandmother. She wanted to know when I was going to get rid of the old car. She told me I am "not to sell it" because she read in the paper that someone had sold a car and the buyer had been unhappy and they had gone back and bashed the seller. So she demanded (as she does, bless her) that I am to have the car taken by a wrecker and "don't even think about selling it, it's not safe". The she wanted to know if I had changed my address on my license. I could go to jail for fraud! And she reminded me that my car is just for driving around my town, it's "not for driving on the freeway or anything like that, it's not safe". Hmm. I used to get agitated by these conversations which always ended up with a scenario where I was going to be killed, jailed, fined or have my daughter taken away. But she's just afraid, for everyone, all the time, and without anything intervening to help her arrest it, it's just grown monstrous. She has always worked so hard and give everything she has to her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, I think she's just so terrified bad things will befall us that she tries to frighten us into staying indoors. I feel sad for her, living in constant fear. She deserves serenity and joy not fear and distress. There but for the grace of HP....
The next conversation was with my mother. I mentioned to her that I am enjoying having a bath in the house and that I took a long bath last night and I intend taking another one tonight. Now I am not exaggerating, the rest of the conversation went like this.
"What if you fall asleep in the bath and drown?" (I'm probably not going to do that mum)
"Well, you might. It happens. Do you have a will?" (No, I don't. Why are you being so morbid?)
"Well you should have a will, you know what will happen now, you will drown in the bath and (your ex husband) will end up taking everything you own. I don't want him taking your new car". (In what universe could my ex husband legally take my stuff if I died? That doesn't even begin to make sense.)
Now I have come to understand that she isn't trying to upset or frighten me, it's just automatic, a sick messed up family legacy that we all do on autopilot. So I pointed out that she had taken something nice (a relaxing bath) and created a scenario where I die and have everything I own stolen. I asked her why she would say such things? She laughed, we had a chuckle and she said "my goodness I really am turning into your grandmother" but the truth is, it's just insane fear passed from generation to generation and it's SO damaging to quality of life. My mind works in the exact same way; I take all of the variables in any given situation and construct the worst, most horrible scenario possible and that becomes my reference point; all of my actions become about avoiding the disaster. Don't do anything, don't go anywhere, don't try anything because what if?
The other habit I am seeing make an unwelcome return is my need to quantify everything. I sit down to watch tv and without even thinking about it, I have grabbed a pen, a notepad, my diary, phone (to use as a calculator), shopping catalogues and the newspaper. Lists, budgets, plans, endlessly trying to manipulate the numbers and items into a small managable future!!
These habits are so strong, so compelling and so destructive. I wonder if they are familiar to anyone else here? I think, when I look at the history of women in my family....violent alcoholic husbands and fathers, and fearful insecure women trying desperately to control the uncontrollable and make a "normal" home and life amidst the chaos...it makes sense. I can see how the fear began, and how it has nurtured itself and reproduced. But now that it is just me, no raging A to hide behind, I can't avoid my own scrutiny any longer. I want to be free to live in the moment, not projecting into a terrifying and tragic future and constantly planning to "avert" disaster. I am quite ready to stop living in fear and start living in now!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Dear Ms. M., Thanks for sharing your great awareness and your ability to see the destructive thoughts that are pervasive within your being. Before Al-Anon, I was completely unaware of the inner dialogue that I carried on with myself and did not see these destructive habits.. Being able to go inward and actually hear the messages and that I was delivering to myself was a significant recovery milestone. I am glad that you are able to do this and that is the first step in the three A's. You have the awareness and I see the acceptance.
I can identify with the anxiety and fear of leaving the home, as well as wanting to return home quickly. I still have difficulty going on vacation because I want to project disasters into the future and stay home just in case they happen.
Al-Anon tools gave me the courage, serenity and wisdom to be able to take actions and let go the results. I became confident enough in the 11th step and trusted that no matter what happened. I would have HP's support and I would be okay. This last vacation proved that fact. When I left on vacation. I knew my brother was ill, I had visited him several times in the hospital and then decided to go on my trip and let go the results. He passed away the day I left and although I was saddened that I was unable to return for his services, I trusted the inner guidance that assured me that my visits while he was alive were sufficient and that I could honor him in another way. When I returned his family contacted me and we had a special memorial service on his birthday so that I could attend. What a gift that was.
As you know, recovery is a process and your great awareness of the destructive thoughts that ramble through your head is the first step towards letting them go. It is also significant that you see the pattern in your grandmother and mother and understanding of irrational fears is just that -- irrational. That is why the Al-Anon tools are so powerful. They teach us to take action let go of the results, not to project into the future, trust that there is a higher power that can guide our actions and there were not alone.
Congratulations on your the courage to keep on keeping on and to keep giving yourself the freedom of this program. Glad you are able to relax in the bath and get the massage you so enjoy.
Thanks Betty.
It feels managable, do you know I think I was very afraid for a long time of how i would deal with having to face myself without A to hide behind. His dramas and behaviours were always so big and loud, it was so easy sweep my own under the carpet and pretend. But it isn't scary, coming face to face with myself. It's actually pretty awesome, knowing that I am not just stuck with my defects, I can work through them and even enjoy the process much of the time. Amazing!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
"Let it begin with me" comes to mind after reading your post. What a wonderful gift you will be giving your daughter by stopping the insanity of projecting fears. I came from the same background and I am working on letting go of my fears one day at a time. I only wish my siblings would get into Alanon and work on their fears.
The slogan that comes to my mind is - they will either drink or they won't, what will you do? I have found myself exchanging the drink thinking for whatever worry hits me - following it with, what will I do? If my car won't start, I'll call AAA, if it has to be towed and I need a ride home, I'll call this friend, etc. working it out in my head lets me let go of worrying about it, because I know what I will do.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Wow, what a powerful post! Thank you for sharing, and good for you for following through with you plans.
My wife seems to have a similar inner-monologue going on, and I didn't realize it at all.
Traffic was bad on my commute this morning, and when I finally found a parking spot, it was smaller than I like to parallel park in. (I do not have depth perception, so parallel parking is a nightmare at worst, and anxiety causing at best.) Needless to say, I was running late. I stopped at reception to let them know of an appointment I have today and that they could expect someone at 4 to check in to speak with me. Needless to say, I was about 10 minutes off schedule arriving at my office, where I received a frantic and angry call from my wife for not informing her when I arrived safely. I told her that I had just walked in, and hadn't even taken off my coat yet, that I was delayed because of traffic and parking, and that everything was fine. "Well, you do this. When you are upset with me, you refuse to tell me where you are, and there was a bad accident on the highway and I was sure that you were dead because you didn't bother to call. Now, my day is ruined."
Hmmm. This conversation is a recurring event for us, and I have no idea how to deal with it. In the past, I agreed to not do certain things to ease her mind (like not taking the campus bus, because it drives up a hill near the lake, and she envisions the bus missing the cutback and driving over the edge, drowning everyone trapped inside).
Thanks to Alanon, today I left the conversation with: Well, this is obviously something that we both need to work on, because you feel like I am intentionally worrying you when I am running late because of things outside of my control, and I feel like you are trying to monitor and control me.
Maybe not the BEST ending to the conversation, but a lot more positive than agreeing not to take the bus up a hill in case it misses the turn and falls down the cliff to the lake. (Which, for the record, has not happened in the history of the campus bus system.)
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I admit to giggling out loud at your last line Skorpi. I can relate though, even nowdays my daughter knows she has to email me when she arrives safely at school (the bus stop is on our street, and it's a 5 minute bus ride) or I start deciding something dramatic has occurred and go into a panic.
I also have no depth perception and suck at parking. I have to go back and repark multiple times because I am always sure I have parked inadequately. My mother does the same thing; we stop, we are all ready to get out and she says no, put your seat belts back on, I have to straighten up 5 times and then worry all day about how we parked. Aren't we weird wonderful creatures!?!
lol.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
lol! OK, here is my parallel parking strategy:
1. locate a spot.
2. decide the spot is too small, move on to the next spot. Repeat as many times as needed to get to step 3
3. realize that this is the last parking spot anywhere near to where I need to be: frantically put on blinker and pray there are no cars behind me.
4. roll down the window to wave cars to pass me so I can park in peace.
5. back up at a crawling pace until I think I should turn my wheels. turn wheels and inch backward, stopping every few seconds to be sure that I am not going to hit the car in front of me or behind me.
6. when the car is sort-of in the spot, get out and check how much space I have in front of and behind the car.
7. get back in the care and shuffle forwards and backwards in a desperate attempt to get closer to the curb.
8. get out and check again
9. get back in the car and continue the shuffle
10. scrape tires against the curb because I am now too close, or get out, double check, and determine that I am close enough to not get a ticket, and give up on the perfect parking job entirely.
11. rationalize for the rest of the day that parking enforcement really does have better things to do than measure to see if I am precisely 12 inches from the curb.
We really ARE weird, wonderful creatures!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Lol,that's just like my strategy except that after step 10, I...
11. Drive back out of the spot, and keep driving until I am so far from where I need to be I might as well have set out on foot from my home.
12. Park in a side street where there are no other cars.
13. Spend the day contemplating how much more likely my car is to be broken into in a deserted street and wishing I had stayed parked in the first spot.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Wow Missmeliss, I wonder if our mother's are somehow related?? ;) Yes, my mom lives in constant fear, planning and agonizing over the "what if's". We speak very little and keep it light, because if I mention any real feelings or issues with the kids at school or what have you - she will spin herself into a knot with worry.
I remember my dad wanted to take the grandkids for a drive around the block in his old convertible. It sits covered in the carport and he rarely allows himself to drive it except on special occasions.
Mom had a fit! "is the insurance up to date? what about the tags? what if you can't find the insurance card and you have an accident?! We would be sued and they'd take everything we've worked so hard for our entire lives!"
On and on it went, until my dad looked so deflated and the kids were so disappointed, they decided not to drive around the block with the top down in the first sunshine of spring... because of the "what if" boogie man of fear that lives in her head. That beautiful car still sits covered in the drive way year after year.
I think about how much fear, shame and guilt have been the measuring stick by which my family makes any decision.
It has sucked all the joy and the life out of our relationship.
There are so many missed opportunities when we let fear move in and take up precious realestate in our head.
I'm so glad you got the massage and took care of yourself.
Learn to parallel park a bus, after that, cars are a piece of cake! hmmm how did they teach me how? lets see, pull up until your body is even with the back wheel of the car in front, start turning the wheel and pulling back slowly until you see the whole front end of the car in back, back up and straighten out making sure you can see the driver's seat of the car in back (lines you up right). and remember the lline from one of those race across the country breaking as many traffic laws as you can - this foreign accent guy tears off the rear view mirror saying, "what's behind me, is not important!" guess they can back up eh?
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
That sounds so very, very familiar Jenny! Frighteningly so.
So much life wasted being too afraid to do anything...
I will know I have conquered it when I can ride a motorbike. That has been my benchmark for a long time
One day.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
AH, the motorbike! I loved riding mine. At the reasonable and safe speed of 25, of course! Another thing I gave up because, what if a bus hit me? IT could happen. A car hit a friend of mine, that could be me...
But the freedom of it all! I loved it.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
