The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH's dad ( who is an active long time drinker) has been married for 30 years to a woman who is physically abusive. Friday night she pummeled him pretty good - apparently because he was drinking. His head is swollen and it looks like she was especially brutal.
So clearly - these are two sick people. They've been married in a symbiotic relationship of dysfunction for a LONG time. I'm not here to change that. I am concerned though that as he nears 70 (She's 57) he's not going to be able to take the beatings like he did in younger years. I am concerned if she got too crazy, she may accidentally cause permanent harm.
When this happens normally - all the kids and grand kids get riled up and sucked into the drama and chaos, and no real plan is ever enacted. I am choosing not to participate in that, but am wondering if anyone has some real life experience here? If there is an agency that was particularly helpful ( APS, "welfare checks", police?) I would appreciate hearing your ESH.
I have chosen not to make any decisions today, but am surrendering this and will sleep on it before taking any action.
Thank you for reading this and sharing any thoughts from your own experience.
PS - the AH is at a meeting and is handling this better than I ever could have imagined. So grateful!
Hard question. I have an aunt and uncle advancing in years, both alcoholic drug abusers with mental health problems consequently. He used to beat her, as they got older it slowed to yearly beatings, very severe. Knowing what I know now, I'd call the police on him. Why? Simply because we live in a world made up of each other. I'd be discreet if possible to avoid the family drama. Doing nothing is also an option. Who will support him through the process? There's stigma attached to being a victim, is there a men's dv support service around? At the end of the day, you aren't responsible, but nor are you a traitor etc should you choose to act. Hard situation. Good luck.
Jenny, domestic violence is horrid enough, but I need to tell you this transcends that because it is also now qualifying as elder abuse due to his age (over 65). That is a 3rd degree felony and any health care professional would be mandated to report it. Regardless of his drinking, DV and added to it, elder abuse is horrid. I would say that a good course of action would be to look up the national center for elder abuse online, call the hotline, and probably report it. You are right that the older he gets, plus the more he drinks, the more frail he will be. We are as responsible for protecting the elderly as we are in protecting children. Reporting it may be kinder to her also because she will wind up in prison if this gets even a shred worse...or even just continues.
I wanted to add...I understand if you choose not to report it. You are not a mandatory reporter. I did want to say that reports to the abuse hotline can be made anonymously and any concern of abuse can be reported. It's not your duty to prove it or inspect it. That is their job after it is reported.
There are elder abuse agencies in my state and anyone reporting this abuse to a hot line can remain anonymous. I would investigate the agencies for elders in your community and proceed
Wow, that's a hard one. I agree that an elder abuse hotline might be the best way to proceed.
My dad spent over a year trying to get social services involved with his step-father, who needed a safe living space and memory care, after my grandmother died. It was a very difficult process for the whole family, especially since the children didn't want to get involved and didn't think he needed help. Persistence is what finally paid off, got him a court appointed guardian, and a placement in a locked memory care facility. I know it was really hard on my dad to push for this, despite everyone, county included, working against him.
I guess that is the benefit of an anonymous report: you don't have to follow up on it. It is up to someone else to follow up if you chose to report it.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks everyone... And Pinkchip - I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on the board before or not... but I am in Healthcare and am in fact a mandatory reporter. The laws mandate I report suspected abuse or if I believe someone is a harm to themselves or others - but it does not clearly articulate which agency to report TO in a situation such as this.
This is why everyone's input and ESH has been so helpful. I now feel like I have a clearer direction of where to make that call than I had even hours ago when posting this. We are reaching out to the elder abuse agency in our area.
So... again, thank you for extending your experience and your journey here today. I know we can't give advice, but I really believe that HP works in mysterious ways and that after taking in everyone's input we ( the family ) have a much better plan outlined.
HP's grace, the program, and the tools are available for them as well. Our hope is that they take advantage of the help extended and that there is a happier ending for all. My AH and myself will continue to work our program as we extend intervention and services to them in a healthy way.
Thats awful. It would be the police for me asap. This is abuse, it doesnt magically end. Iwould call the police and the social work and thats that.a 70 yr old alcoholic is pretty vulnerable, what gives her the right to beat him, its almost like beating a helpless child.
I agree on the elder abuse reporting. I never would have thought of that,
I am in home health care. I would report something if i felt i had to. Mostly
If i question something i report to my manager for direction. I have never
had to Report anything, there are questionable cases though.
We have historically called the police. Typically my father in law becomes belligerent, says he fell down the stairs, refuses to make a report and once he himself even got hauled off to jail to sit in the drunk tank over night. This is why I need a new approach....
