The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The Courage to Change today speaks about progress not perfection. It reinforces the idea that Al-Anon works slowly and surely as we use the tools each day one day at a time.
The reading points out that many times we have unhealthy attitudes as to how quickly we should grow and change, and become disappointed when we do not see immediate results.
If we accept that Al-Anon is a process and that we aim for progress not perfection, we will trust that as the result of hard work in Al-Anon and the willingness to change we are moving in a positive direction.
We can easily measure our recovery by looking back over the course of the year and seeing how our attitudes have changed and how we respond differently to different situations. It points out that we may sometimes still act on and use the old negative defects, but we don't do it as often and that is progress.
The quote is from a Latin proverb that says:"Keep adding little by little and you'll soon have a big board."
After so many years in Al-Anon I can say that this is absolutely true. I know that many of my defects are flying overhead waiting for me to pull them in. Today I rarely do, because I realize how they hurt me and are destructive to my serenity and mental health.
Thank you Betty for posting the topic and sharing. Your share made me think of awareness and Gods will. If I am in Gods will for me..like you said my defects are flying overhead and if I am in self will I am latching on to them. I am wanting my will and way again. Thank god it is not as often and I have many days of peace and serenity. Looking back to when I came in I did not even know what quiet, peace and serenity was. I also thought of all the times I beat myself up in the past when I had a slip. I didn't allow myself any mistakes. I had to nail recovery, be perfect. Over time I became more gentle with myself and most days I just let my recovery flow now. If I make a mistake it's ok, I am human and in turn I allow others to be human as well. I don't have the huge expectations that I once did. I understand it's a disease and it's not personal. At one time in my life my honesty injured me by trusting others that let me down. Now my honesty is more of a asset, because I can share what happened, what I did to become sane and how life is now as a result of working the steps and having a program. I am attempting to ask for what I want and keep my communication open this staves off resentment for me. I also am learning sometimes I need to try new things, new ideas, that things need to be discussed in our home and sometimes they need to be adjusted a bit...much like a meeting for the greater good of all in our home. Thank you for letting me share and thanks again for your service Betty.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
After this weekend, I feel like today's reading is speaking directly to me. Keep adding, little by little, and allow my efforts to be labeled as successful progress in the program. I need to be patient with myself and not expect myself to be perfect all the time, or at all. The key is sticking with it, coming back to it, and being willing to make mistakes because they offer me opportunities to learn and grow.
As I was thinking about this on my drive in today, I felt like I was able to come to more peace with my feelings about my wife as well. This weekend, after the Friday wine, was full of full on dry drunk temper tantrums over the slightest things. (i.e. Me putting salsa in a small bowl instead of eating out of the container because I created a dish that needed to be washed, or the pancakes not turning out because she used steel cut oats instead of the usual oats...) I stayed focused on my thesis, and kept working throughout. This paid off for me, because I wrapped up reading and notes on an article and a large book, and I am ready to get to edits now, armed with the most recent research.
But, I was feeling resentment toward my wife for trying to drag me into her temper tantrums. After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that, just like I cannot expect perfection from myself, and that any effort I make toward recovery is progress that I can be proud of, I also cannot expect perfection from my wife. And, she made progress toward recovery by staying home, not walking to town to get alcohol, and by doing her spring weekend things (making pancakes and grilling) without alcohol for the first time in years. While it is true that she isn't in a program right now and hasn't stopped drinking, This is the first weekend she has actually personally chosen to stay sober for in a long time, and although she didn't do it perfectly, it is progress that she can be proud of. And, as it is her journey, I can instead focus my thoughts on myself and what I am doing/did do.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you, Karma and Skorpi for adding your powerful ES H on today's reading.
I know that it is difficult in the beginning to not expect perfection, but with practice, practice, practice, I found allowing myself to be human, was a great gift that I cherished. I also found that when I allowed myself to be human, I was also less hard on others and accepted their humanity with courtesy and respect. That was a far cry from the way I was when I first came into program.
I noted that Skorpi shared the same awareness's he processed his weekend. If we let ourselves be human and make mistakes, it is so interesting to see that we are not as hard on others and our expectations, lesson. It is a win-win all around. Thanks for sharing the journey
Yep, Betty, feel like as the weeks pass I am evolving into a wiser and stronger person because of Al-Anon and MIP. The only thing I don't like is that as time marches on and I am getting wiser I am also getting older!!!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I agree Deb but like a fine wine you/we are aging with much dignity and grace.