Hi Marie,

Bear in mind that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It can go for long periods of staying the same, and can also sometimes progress very quickly to a further stage. But without recovery it won't get better. You will want yo be prepared for when your husband gets "worse", and would you be willing to deal with that.

Kenny

Hmmm .... This one is hard for me because you absolutely deserve to have a family, however you absolutely deserve to have a family with someone healthy. In my experience, you will be a single parent. They are not capable of being parents in that state. It will hurt to hear that and accept that though.

Hello Maria, welcome to Miracles in Progress, I do believe I could've written the exact same post many years ago. That is exactly how I felt deep down and believed that my love for my husband was strong enough to withstand the disease of alcoholism. I thought I knew what the disease was all about and I was strong enough to have a family and live with it. I was wrong.

I never envisioned the consequences of this disease and how it would affect not only myself but my family. My love was distorted by this disease, and If I have not found Al-Anon I do believe I would've gone to jail for killing him.

Truthfully, you need to go within, as has been suggested, check your inner voice and then proceed. Please stay with Al-Anon, using the tools to maintain your sanity and serenity.

In my case , my hubby did find sobriety in AA and I found Al-Anon. Thank God for these programs.

I'm sorry you're faced with these worries.

It is a sad fact that alcoholics are not in control of their actions.  The alcoholism gets worse (it is progressive), and they do things they would never do when sober.

My alcoholic husband loved our little boy dearly.  Nevertheless I came home one day to find that he had endangered our toddler's life.  (By leaving wide open a large window that went down to the floor, on the third story of a building).  My husband had passed out.  By a miracle of God, our boy had not wandered over to the window and fallen out.  Yet. 

That was when I realized I couldn't leave him in charge of our child.

He also drives drunk, despite swearing that he never would and never will.  But his drunk mind makes decisions that his sober mind wouldn't.  He doesn't care who's in the car with him when he does it.

It is terrible to face up to the fact that an alcoholic is basically an insane person and cannot make sound decisions.

I hope for the sake of your future child/children you'll think very seriously before embarking on this road.  There are good men out there who are capable of being safe around children and good fathers.  They are hoping to find good women to bring up a family with.

Hugs.

Hi Marie,

I knowingly married and had a child with an alcoholic. I was sick of waiting, too. I reasoned that there would never be a perfect time or circumstance and that neither my husband or I was getting any younger. I don't know if it was right or wrong, but I don't think that you and I are awful people for wanting a child at all. When I look at my baby, I know that I will never regret the decision I made to have him.

That being said, there were some things that happened that I did not really anticipate. You know how much you love your husband? Multiply it by about a thousand and that is how much you will love your child. Also, the tendencies of your alcoholic spouse that simply annoy or worry you now will turn in to huge issues once a child is in the picture.

For example, I know that my husband sometimes sneaks alcohol at inappropriate times during the day. When it was just us, I worried about him driving afterwards and possibly getting to an accident or getting arrested. But, since I had already started Al-anon, I decided that if something like that happened, it would be a natural consequence and was beyond my control. Now that I have a child, I don't trust my husband to drive him anywhere at any time because I don't always know when my husband chooses to sneak his alcohol. I could bury my head in the sand and say that he would never put our son in danger like that, but I'd be really kidding myself. This disease is beyond his control and an alcoholic will always reason that they are in their right mind and are perfectly fine to do anything, including driving with an infant in the car. So, that means I drive my son EVERYWHERE, even though I go in to work earlier and stay later than my husband. If I have to work even later, then it is up to me to either work with the babysitter or find someone else to get him. I know that it doesn't sound like a big deal in theory, but in practice, it is very tiring and it inconveniences me and just about everyone involved with the exception of my husband. He gets to go home from work at his usual time and take a nap. It is hard not to resent the fact that he gets to skate on these responsibilities and then gets to play with our son and be the fun parent when we get home. It's kind of like I'm a single parent sometimes.

Also, when my husband behaves meanly or foolishly while intoxicated, I know my son is watching him. When he cracks open another beer, I know my son heard it and is watching him. Since becoming a parent, I have become increasingly aware that my child is always watching us, even though he's only nine months old. He is already looking to us as models for behavior. For that reason, I have begun to find the disease intolerable and the odds are that I'm going to have to face a divorce from the man I love in the not to distant future.

I'm not trying to discourage you from having a child at all. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. But it will force you to take a good long look at yourself, your husband, the disease, and your part in it.

I have no ESH on this, but am amazed by the ESH you got from some wise folks. Wow.

dear Marie,
you will have the ultimate decision and responsibility on your choice of life and that of a maybe-baby.
Nevertheless I wanted to give you my point of view and recent experience. You will take what you need and leave the rest.
I was with my A for 2 yearsmadly in love at first, then desperately lost at the end.
I wanted a baby too , a family as a whole I thought like you, I would manage.if it would happen, I would manage..all of it. He seemed to be better as well, health wise. But he lied to me, and I had lied to myself too, wanting so much a family, being a caring parent.
I became pregnant, and what developed then was beyond my imagination. His anxiety came back full speed, he didn't know how to handle his feelings, he preview on fatherhood, he basically turned into a baby himself, wanting my full attention to his problems. What I didn't know before, is, when you become pregnant, you yourself evolve into somebody different, with all the hormones.. you feel happiness of course, but as well a whole bunch of insecurities, your body plays tricks on you, your stamina lets you down, and you therefore need somebody by your side that is balanced, calm, loving, and caring at times. It doesn't matter if you are normally and naturally the nurturing type of person, and giving and caring yourself. In that moment when these changes happen within you, you will need somebody standing strong by your sideor at least not pushing nor pulling you down. Now that is exactly what As do, isn't it. My A couldn't stand the idea of my focus being shifted from him towards the babyhe became jealous, more insecure, mean.. not able to handle the situation at alland guess what? he went back to drinking, whereas before he handled quite well. that's what life does to them when hardships come up.they haven't got the tools.and they are quite self-centered, so they won't see what's going on with you. and you will want that at that time. you will need that at that time. Your baby is with you from day 1 of being conceived, which means it will feel through you, experiences chemicals through you. you will want these chemicals to be the good ones, produced in your body by joy, peace and happiness. those produced by anxiety and stress will create some life lasting features in your baby, which it will struggle with overcoming the rest of its life. Being a healthy mother was for me the highest responsibility.and I couldn't be with A around me. Also, in my case, he hit me hard, physically. so the baby was welcomes already in initial stages with fears, pain, suffering.not a good start. Sure I could have moved away, and have th baby on my own. But my heart was broken, for I couldn't understand how he could not stand beside us. I would have turned into a self-pitying depressed mother, probably my child would have felt this more than once in its evolution.. which thought also was too painful.
I aborted the pregnancy, and this too is something i will tell you straight forward, it is NOT something you want to have to deal with for the rest of your life, especially if you want children and love children and think of yourself of a capable mother. It is hard hard work.
So please consider all this, think , and think rationally, not emotionally, be responsible already for your unconceived children. It is quite a selfish act, and I tell this to myself, to become pregnant just for the romantic idea of being a mother. there is so much more to that. Of course there is nothing wrong, and it's our right to wish for, to have children, a family. But we have to be conscious about the choices of when, how , with whom. Think of the long runit's not only a baby that is coming, it's also a 10 year old, a teenager, who grows up and needs to live his/her own life the best they can. YOu want them to have at least a good luggage to start withand hopefully 2 loving parents. Being a single mum can of course be down, if needed, I have seen it many times. But you have still other choices, you can be more aware and limiting some of the damages there are many people who suffer out there, and main reason for this suffering lies in childhood and upbringing
Think it through.and then do what you need to do for yourself.
Just think: if you are already suffering as an adult next to an addict (you came to Al Anon and do all your personal work), think how a child suffers, who doesn't understand much of psychology in initial stage of its life)

as i said, just my experience, take what you need and leave the rest.
Wishing you all the best and the strength to move forward.