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As I have mentioned before,my AH drove drunk and flipped our car with us in it. Since then, many members of my family have not wanted contact with him. Which I understand.
I have a niece and nephew who are the light of my world. My sister told me she doesn't want my AH around the kids. I have regular sleepovers with the kiddos and my nephew has been asking. I would never let ANYTHING happen to those kids- and neither would my AH. He is not a violent or mean drunk, and has been doing well with his sobriety.
I reached out to my family and asked them to consider being open to welcoming Brock back into the family and trying to rebuild trust. I even invited them to my al-anon meeting. I guess I'm just very sad that my sister doesn't trust me or my husband to have the kids at my house.
Can you offer alternatives like coming to her house or getting together at an entertainment venue... some new way to stay connected to family. If you can make that happen you might try staying positive and away from negative talk about alcoholism. I've found other people do not understand anyway.
I'm sorry for your struggles,
With that said I wouldn't want my kids around an alcoholic knowing what I know now about how negatively alcoholics dry, recovering or drunk hurt the ones around them. I regret letting my ex A bf be around my daughter when she was a teen. It only hurt my relationship with her.
This is why it is called a family dis-ease. When my wife's alcoholism came out, there was a variety of reactions to it. Many of outr friends were supportive, some of our acquaintances just turned nasty, and various familyl members fell in-between. Time has healed some of those wounds. The problem Iofund is that Idon't know how anybody else has been affected in the past by alcoholism, and that often determines peoples' reactions to it.
My sister-in-law had extensive pasts with relapsing alcoholics, and didn't trust an alcoholic. Also has black and white vision from it. So my wife became cut off from her only niece for a year or so. It still isn't real good, but things are healing with time and sobriety. If she were to relapse, it's hard telling what would happen.
Hopefully time and sobriety can heal this for you as well. Perhaps going over to their house is the only way you will be able to see them for awhiole. This is just another example of a part of alcohol over which we don't have control, and it can really be hard.
Thats a sore one for you i imagine. I think your sister is a courageous woman even though this must hurt you and her too.
Alcoholism does isolate us. I isolated myself because i was ashamed of my exahs drinking, so it was a bit more subtle than what you are describing here. Alcoholism is not socially acceptable. Its difficult to accept an active drinker or dry drinker into our lives. They cant be trusted, not while drink is the motivator and in charge. It could be that your family life is seperate from your married life, its a hard one to accept. As kenny said, people have their own issues with alcoholism and react according to those experiences. If my daughter married an alcoholic i dont think i could pretend and play happy families either not knowing what i know now. Although, i would always be there for my daughter.x
It is definitely isolating. My sister welcomes me with open arms to her house. We spend our summer at the cabin and she said she didn't want my AH there. I think whats hard is he is SO LOVING to the kids. He's a big ol kid and collects transformers and plays video games and my nephew ADORES him. He's never negative and mean around them. But of course the family doesn't always see that.
My AH seems different than a lot of the stories I hear. He's never mean, harsh, verbally abusive, etc. The only person he hurts his himself (minus the car accident I guess.)
I don't know. I definitely won't disconnect from the family.
Thanks for the wisdom, everyone. It is a sad and confusing situation that I haven't quite been able to sort out in my head yet.
I think if my family found out my husband drove drunk and flipped a car that I was in, they would be angry. These are your husband's amends to make, not yours. And he will make them by being sober and consistent for a long period of time...not a couple weeks.
Your sister is doing what a mom does- she is protecting her children. They have to come first with her always. And she is also probably furious that he endangered your life because of his addiction. As always, Pink chip's advice is so spot on.
As for your AH's never being mean or hurtful. My husband was the nicest, sweetest guy when he was younger. He made and kept friends easily, was one of the favourite uncles, and was always kind to me. However in the last three years, if he drinks he is not so nice, not so kind and broods over past slights. The disease progresses and takes their personality with it. That is why my boundary is that, if he drinks again, we are through.
Keep going to meetings and learn about the condition of alcoholism and how we enable it by making excuses for them.
My ex-AH would never have intentionally hurt our child either. The trouble is that alcoholics cannot control the unintentional things.
I know what you mean when you say that your A would never hurt the kids. But - he would hurt (almost kill) you, wouldn't he? Because he did. Is there a dividing line in his mind between you (would nearly kill) and them (wouldn't hurt)? Because that would be very worrying - that it's okay with him that he would almost kill you. And yet he did. Has he entered a program of recovery and started working it seriously? If not, then he's in a position to almost kill you (and anyone he drives) again.
A's are in denial about the danger and the consequences of their drinking. That's what the disease does. When others set boundaries about the drinking, the A's are baffled and resentful. They dismiss any problems that have resulted as minor, inconsequential things.
Because we get sucked into the disease too, we also tend to lose pespective about the consequences of their drinking. When others set boundaries about the drinking, we can be baffled and resentful. But those consequences are there so that the A's, and we, can see the real effects of the drinking. On this case the real effects are that your A has endangered the lives of people he cares about, and that your sister drew boundaries to protect her children.
One thing to think about is: if your sister's husband were an alcoholic, and had nearly killed her in a car accident, how would you feel about her continuing to be with him? And about your children being around him?
Some one above said recovering alcoholics also negatively treat those around them. That is not true any more than non alcoholics or people in alanon hurt people...Those working a good program of recovery are probably less likely to hurt loved ones than your average person because we do a 10th step. And me being a recovering alcoholic and caring for kids? Well I have 24 of them that I am responsible for daily as I oversee, ensure, supervise, and am ultimately responsible for their treatment. An alcoholic can absolutely redeem him or herself, but it has to be earned and worked for and it doesn't happen over night.
My husband is working a program- has a sponsor and is going to meetings.
I completely understand where my sister is coming from and don't hold it against her. We came up with some alternatives. I am just very sad about it. Those kids are my life and I LOVE having them over. AH will build trust with time and all I ask of my family is to maybe eventually be open to letting him do that.
No one is ready for that and thats okay. I think they only know angry, isolated, alcoholic B and not the B that I love and see.
Hello. I understand your feelings and your desire to smooth things over between your husband and others. Unfortunately those are his relationships to repair and no matter what you say, many people have to SEE change to trust it. I am currently going through many issues within my own home. We are in very recent recovery, my husband just being home from treatment less than a week, and I myself have to SEE change to feel safe. I also know that he never intentionally hurt anyone but the hurt his actions have unintentionally caused us are deep and raw. I'm curious to know how you've regained trust and faith in your husband afree what happened? As a mom, I'm struggling to reopen the door and risk being vulerable to the hurt again.
I am still working on trust. What is making it easier is I see a dramatic change in his attitude. I think he was very humbled. He is at AA every night and has a sponsor. I am not deluded to the fact that this means he is going to get better, but...we are both taking better care of ourselves and definitely had our eyes open to some major issues.
I don't trust what he says to me, ever. The lies have gotten so out of control. And I have set boundaries- I will never step foot in a car when he is driving. He will NOT have access to my car (my dad cosigned with me- AH name is not anywhere on it.) And when I give him rides home from work my last stop is the AA house.
Some people are upset with me for giving him rides to and from work. But- A) I am unemployed and have the time, B) it gets me out of bed C) I get to listen to NPR and keep up on the news, and D) I rely on his income, too and there is no bus that runs out that way.
I have been blessed in my life with an incredible amount of patience, empathy, and self awareness. This has gone a long way in protecting myself and being loving towards my very sick husband.
My father and husband are alcoholics. My sister hates my father and has refused to ever make amends with him or forgive him. She has a lot of hate. My husband never did anything to my sister, but she did not like him at first because he's an alcoholic and she could tell from the moment she met him.
Anyway, when my husband and I decided to marry, my sister was not overjoyed by any means, but she had no reason to hate my hubby. She did, however, hate my dad so much that she refused to go to my wedding because my dad was there. I was so mad at her for missing out on the most important moment in my life because she hates my dad (who by the way has apologized for his drinking and all he did while drinking when we were kids). My sister seemed to care less about what it did to me. She was so blinded by her past experiences, she could not come.
Some people, especially close family members, can be unintentionally hurtful because of their fears. They have a right to be scared, but it doesn't make it right. Sometimes the only thing to do is find a way to keep yourself happy through it. Whatever you need to do in order to keep your positive relationships with your family is worth it. Just know that your sister may never accept or forgive like you do, but that's not your job to fix. Live knowing you are doing what you can to keep communication open in your family.
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Marie McD
"You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it."
if hubby is Truly working recovery & you are working Yours Trust higher power.. God or whomever that may be for you .. Things have a way of Healing in the steps .. it all begins with Truth .. admitting our wrongs .. if hubby is sincere and you are too chances are this may not be the way it will be forever .. if you get to face to face meetings ? when we hit step 3 and turn over our Entire lives to the care of god as we understand him (God who understands us) we turn over our Entire lives .. us our partners kids relatives family job you name it .. Everyone in it .. finding my children and i are in much safer hands in the care of god than we will ever be in our own ..
I can understand your hurt feelings and disappointment. I think it's great that you invited family to attend your Alanon meeting and that you've made your feelings known concerning your own trust and love for Brock. It may take time and experience with seeing Brock today as a sober person and consistently seeing that to rebuild the lost trust.
The flipping of the car was a very traumatic incident and their children are precious to them. They're probably just scared. If you think of how much you enjoy and love the kids you likely can imagine the depth of their parents love for them.
Sometimes people who aren't in recovery either in Alanon or AA don't really understand what sobriety is about. Sometimes they don't understand why you love an alcoholic. For those of us who are in recovery with one another, it can be an incredible unified journey but a lonely when it comes to some family members.
I'm sorry you and the children are missing out on good times with one another in your home. I hope in time their parents allow them to stay with you again. We know we can't change others thinking but it's sad when we experience fall out from that thinking.
This is from a favorite page from one of my favorite books.
Today I will move forward with my life no matter what others are doing or not doing. I know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.
Feb 12 Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
Keep coming back, you're worth it. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
