The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the 4.5 years I have been with my AH I have never seen him take a drink. Not. Once. And we are talking an alcoholic who drinks listerine and rubbing alcohol when hes desperate. He's hardcore.
This means I have chronic anxiety about whether or not he's drunk. A month ago, he crashed our car and blew a .18 and NOBODY knew he had even been drinking. That's how well it is hidden. I constantly wonder if he is drunk or not. If he is tired, I wonder if he's drunk. If he's emotional, I wonder if he's drunk. If he blinks slower than usual, I wonder if he's drunk. And I will try to manipulate him into telling me if he has been drinking. And you know what? It has never ONCE worked. I know in that moment he is incapable of telling me the truth about it. But maybe this time I will say the right thing- aha! You were honest! We had a breakthrough!
But I can't say the right thing. And ultimately, I have to say to myself....does it matter if he's drunk tonight? I already know he's an alcoholic. Active alcoholics drink. Dry alcoholics don't drink, but act the same way. I need to detach and get myself out of that thought process.
I am just so angry about life right now. I am unemployed, my husband is in legal trouble up to his eyeballs, and he is incapable of being honest with me. Fortunately, it's out of my control. I just need to keep that in mind.
I have been better about using my tools lately. I listen to al-anon speakers on youtube, and use the questions in my al-anon book as writing prompts. And here I am, reaching out.
I rarely see my AH drink, either, and I struggle similarly to you. I recently copped on to the signs he has been drinking (his eyes get squinty and he starts telling me dumb stories he's told me a million times before). Now recognizing these signs, I go do something else, like go to an open AA meeting (ironic when I'm not the alcoholic, but hearing them speak helps me feel compassion here at home) or take my dog out snow shoeing or meet a friend for coffee. My AH drinks in the bathroom, which is the silliest thing to me. I no longer use or clean that bathroom-- I have his daughter do it-- because seeing empties sends me into a rage.
Hello bloodshotbetty, I can understand your anger,and concern and have been there. Glad that you are reading alanon literature and listening to alanon tapes. Good work.
The most important tool that I learned in Al-Anon was how to take my focus off the alcoholic, placeit on my life, ask myself how I felt and what I needed and then to give it to myself. In other words focus on myself.
I am very glad that you came here and shared and hope, you'll search out face-to-face meetings and additional literature to help you on your journey.
This is a hard situation. Anyone drinking Listerine and rubbing alcohol is a very very sick A :(. I agree with Hotrod, time to take a few deep breaths, a step back and focus on self care.
It's a sticky web that we're entangled in and hard to break free enough to see how trapped we are, but you strike me as a bright woman with a lot of guts! And I'm glad, because that's the fortitude it takes to push out of the "ick" and chaos ( and car wrecking .18 blowing bs) and into sanity, serenity and healing.
My AH was exactly the same way. I never, ever saw him take a drink. He didn't drink Listerine, though. His drink of choice was NyQuil.
I finally figured this out: whether he was "drunk" or not was up to how you defined the word. But was he drinking? Answer: Yes. Always yes. He was drinking all day long. Little by little, secretly. Always drinking. There wasn't even any need to ask myself the question. I proved it to myself so many times, because it took a long time for me to believe it.
I wonder if we need to take so long to convince ourselves "He is" because we're putting off the next step, which is "What do I do now that I know this for sure?"
That was true for me, anyway. My next step was to separate, and it took me literally years and years to gather my resources and my courage.
But everyone's path is different. Just take very good care of yourself.
