The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a lovely conversation last night with a lovely man and I actually think I was being hit on .. lol. Seriously speaking not something I'm usually aware of if and when it does happen. At least he's not married .. lol . well I haven't gotten that full story yet. I know he's in transition.
The statement he made though pretty much boils down to do I want to be right or to I want to be happy? My response to this right now is why can't I be both? LOL! Obviously that is not always the case in terms of whatever situation is going on. There are times I am right and I am happy sticking to the principle over personality tradition. There are times my self will has run amuck and I'm not doing exactly what I should be doing. Which is staying in the moment with the God of my understanding.
We were talking about when to walk away and cut the losses. What he said was absolutely an accountant term. I look at the calculated loss and base my decision which is based upon my happiness, what will the calculated loss will be, I don't know why that struck me so hard last night. It did. We were talking about divorce, being a single parent, being the parent without custody trying to keep some kind of bond going on with the kids. It was a very enlightening light conversation believe it or not. It was interesting to look at it from that point of view. We talked about absent parenting and what that means. So I'm going to have to meditate on what my calculated losses are especially since I have invested the last 3 years of my life into all this.
I also read the best line ever .. I'm making it my own .. I'm a complicated woman trying to live a simple life. It's a very true statement .. any one looking for a simple woman is barking up the wrong tree .. lol .. I'm a hot mess in a good way. I'm definitely not the same woman I was even 8 months ago. The other thing is that when someone is going out with me they have instant family of 2 children as well as a 3rd child I didn't give birth to, I totally married though .. he's a package deal in all this mess. I do hope at some point we come to a place that we will get along even for the sake of the kids .. so not there at the moment it will probably be after the kids are grown.
So not lying .. lol .. I almost can't help myself I want to make the first move. I realize he's got my number and he can call me if he chooses so I'm just going to let it go. He's left a very big open offer, I know my worth and I know what I want. I really want an emotional/intellectual as well as a physical one. Usually the physical one is easy. It's the other two I have zero practice in Now I can choose to sit back and breathe.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey, Serenity, I love this share and do believe that you so deserve this opportunity. I like the term," calculated loss" and I like the term, "calculated risk" even better.
We are all pretty complicated people, but withthe help of program which is simple, we are able to manage life on life's terms. Keep doing your asset and gratitude list and decide on what" calculated risk" you are willing to take and what the calculated lossmight be.
Remember, you have new powerful tools to live by. It is progress not perfection that we seek,so keep us informed and good luck.
Go for it serenity. If you like him, go for it, ask him out, why not. The way i see it if your over 40 what is there to wait for? Waiting on the man to make the first move kind of thing is over rated in my eyes. the more i look at myself as strong the more i see that i can go out and get what i want, no more waiting. Its exciting, you so deserve it.x
Well there is more to be revealed and I'm definitely going to be the cougar in this situation by how much I'm unsure. I'm so totally chicken. I have time. At this point it is flirty.
I love the term calculated risk and calculated loss. I will have to decide what is what and it's a crazy full moon .. I totally got hit on again today!? Maybe I'm just noticing it now lol? I think it's the hair and red lipstick lol! They are all much younger!? I'm very confused .. Lol .. Fun however confused.
Hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey Serenity Please make your asset and gratitude list and read it often.
Remember you are an attractive compassionate, intelligent woman and any man would be fortunate to know
This is a "Big Lesson" post for me. Until I learned and accepted in recovery that "My only problem was me and my only solution was God" I got very gun shy with relationship decisions. No doubt I had major problems with all of my relationships...No doubt and coming to understand that the one common person in all of that was me while learning how to inventory my life with my choices was higher education...rocket science in fact. During the inventory process I was asked "who was the one common denominator during that period of time"? and the answer woke me the hell up. I didn't know anything about relationship choices and figured well if they like me it must be okay right...only coming to understand that especially with addicts and alcoholics I wasn't the top name on the list nor the most important relationship. I learned by experiences...listening to the fellowship and comparing the similarities and listening to my sponsor work my inventory with me. Even after the alcoholic/Addict was gone I got into "program" relationships thing it would be good because both of us were in program...after failures my sponsor reminded me that both myself and the "other" came from insanity what more would I expect. I tried relationships with others outside of program and that didn't work either...I wasn't ready...I was too young and too naïve. I had to learn where I came from originally...from inside the disease in order to see more clearly. My relationship today is a program relationship. We have a she and a me and we are not joined at the hip. We understand love as the "complete and total acceptance of everyone for exactly who we are at anyone time and have learned to be co-supportive without being co-dependent. Had I met my wife before program I would be in another disaster rather that another marriage. ((((hugs))))
After the last two relationships I am just looking to understand me and what I do at this point .. I'm going to be gun shy for a long time to come. It's not an accident I haven't gone out on a date. I'm still learning about me and that's a good thing. :) It has taken me a long time to get to the point of even being willing to be willing to be interested in the idea of dating. I'm grateful that I have this insight or I would have already had the moving van here and been packing things up with long term plans.
I have watched way to many people crash and burn in terms of relationship hopping, just not interested, I think long run it will be a good thing for me to take a calculated risk and try vs living in fear of what if I (and then just fill in the blank).
I'm just going to kick back and relax at this point and that's a good thing.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I like that Serenity ... That is where I am at too. I don't need to jump at the first person interested. There will be a lot more. There are 7 Billion people in this world
Jerry - reading your post gives me hope and clarity. Serenity- glad you are getting to know you! It's the BEST relationship of all :) and TRUTH- yes, there are A LOT of fish in the big sea ;)
Wow, love what Jerry shared above. I am opening up more to men, in general, just as friends (of course) and it's interesting to see a different dynamic and to see how I interact with them. I love it because I know I won't get into a relationship any time soon and it's actually eye opening to see how much I've learned in recovery. I have a long way to go, but I am so grateful for this journey.
Serenity, what you are doing sounds very wise and you know what it is you need out of life. My grandmother always said, "Men are like buses. One pulls out of the station and another one is sure to be right behind. You don't have to hop on the next bus, you can wait and see which destination appeals to you."
Ok, I know that was a bit cliche but it actually helped me when I was guy hopping in college, LOL, and I would get upset when I got dumped. And, sure enough, she was right, haha.
For me, I know that my relationship with my HP comes first and foremost. An old boyfriend of mine has been flirting with me (believe it or not I had to make amends to him and he decided he wanted to keep in touch) and I have to say that he hasn't changed much since college. His mind is still in the gutter despite having 2 kids, a successful financial planning business, a place in Aruba, and now a divorce under his belt. Nice guy, but it's interesting to note how people change and grow and to be able to use intuition and program tools to know that someone isn't probably a good match no matter how you slice it. You just can't fit a square peg into a round hole. Of course, he's in Aruba right now and texted me from there yesterday to tell me about his scuba trip and I was super jealous. Sigh...too bad he's still a little boy in a grown man's body, LOL. OK, hope you found some humor in this, my friend. Sending you much support and love today!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I never waited more than a month or two after a break up before starting to get involved with others again. Being honest, I think much of it was sexually driven and in the gay community "real dating" is something that often occurs after already having sex with a person and if you still like them. It's messed up. The plus is that it's obvious when someone wants to become physically involved with you and it's easy to do that with no strings, but that is also the minus because it's more difficult to find guys that want to actually date and have serious relationships. I only write all this because of being in communication with several of you that are newly single and watching the dynamics and it's so different. Seems like such a dance....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 8th of March 2015 07:51:12 AM
That's interesting, Pink. I know that, in college years and shortly thereafter, that was the way I did things specifically because it was easy and I liked having no strings attached. Just went right from one guy to the next and slept with a few of them right away and then made the decision if I wanted to date him. My old college bf and I were just talking about that last week before he left for Aruba because he had a date with a lady and I was teasing him about whether he got lucky or not. We discussed how we (and others) dated back in college and how completely different the environment was. Other than my STBXAH, this guy was my only other long term relationship.
If I (or any lady) decided to act on every occasion where a guy wanted to become physically involved with me/us......that would have some serious complications, LOL. Well, I guess I'd have to do daily STD testing anyway.
As for Serenity's theme here on this thread, I know that single men in our age bracket are easy to find. Heck, the guy across the street is a single dad and has already made it known to me that he's 'available'. Finding single men who have their sh*t together and are emotionally and spiritually sound, that's a totally different story! Let alone finding one who doesn't have addiction issues or mental illness, that probably cuts out about half of them, possibly more, LOL. And, the same probably goes for women, too. I have some single guy friends who complain about the women they date in the same way. It's a crazy world out there and I'm perfectly happy being single as I know Serenity is for now, too. Right, girlfriend?
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I will chime in my two cents. I for one do not plan on dating until
I am healed totally. You just bring your baggage into the next
relationship. No matter how good the guy/ girl is. You are not
whole yet!
I love men and interact with many in my daily life. Do i want to
Date any no. Not even as friends for a couple of years. I go on
girl dates if i want to Go out, No stress and pressure that way.
My X SIL just got remarried. She is totally happy but she never
Put her marriage to bed. I can feel and see her pain when her
Xah is mentioned. There was a lot of abuse there. The guy she
Married was a mutual friend whose wife died. They had a good
Happy marriage my SIL did not. Will her pain interfer in her new
Marriage i believe it will. She just stuffed it all down and i think
They both drink, Her and new husband. Not helpful at all. I dont
say anything about her healing especially if she is Actively drinking.
We just discuss my basic problems and She doesnt say much about
the past. She wants to forget All the bad and think about all the
Good she has now!
Where I am the older men want much younger women. I'm in the positron of two minor children most men my age are not into raising someone else's kids. My youngest being 10 is not what most men are looking for. On a funny side note someone indicated they were interested on a dating site .. Ok ... We get to the last set of questions and answer 1. Shooting Answer 2. I have no close friends because we have all grown up and moved on. Answer 3. I'm still focused on answers 1 and 2 thinking oh yeah this guy is going to hide my body in the woods .. No more communicating with this crazy. When it comes to options like that seriously .. I'm good being single. I was coming out of a bar I was looking for a specific product lol middle of the day .. They didn't have it .. Saw a young man .. Have I mentioned I don't think he could shave if he wanted to .. I say excuse me as I bolt out the door and hear well hello sweetheart .. I'm thinking no no no .. Lol I'm so outta here! I don't know. I agree my dating views have drastically changed as I've gotten older. It's just not worth it.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I didn't have time before my phone battery died to add this little nugget .. LOL .. my daughter and I were joking around and there is a Song I don't know the name however one of the lines is My milkshake brings all the boys around and I changed that to be:
My Milkshake brings all the neurotic, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, mentally unstable, boys around (there was more to it .. lol), we were laughing especially after that last go around I described above .. I was like seriously? I might not be close friends with high school friends however I have close friends .. LOL.
Anyway, I was just being silly and we had a good laugh.
S :)
PS - they aren't all like that however again with the sweetheart today and seriously I look like a hot mess hair up in a ponytail, t-shirt and ratty jeans. The guy was like 25 .. made me LOL! Not at a bar though so I guess that's ok .. LOL!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Pink lmao i try to have standards .. If I could have given birth to them they are off the market for me! Besides burger king toys are way overrated I'm mmcdonald's all the way! Phhhffftttt ;)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hahaha, my milkshake did bring those types to the yard but ive got my armour now.lol. your brilliant serenity. 25, oh no, im thinking a grey haired sauve, sophisticated man like james bond for you.x
Ha ha ha .. I wish .. I also realize I need mental stimulation .. Lol .. I want to talk books movies theater philosophy .. I would not mind younger NOT that much younger! Lol! Plus I don't think that guy was looking to talk lol!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey Serenity. I do know a number of people who have used dating sites and have been successful.
My husband died when I was 46 and had a 15-year-old son to raise. I decided there and then to get ass healthy as I could, use Al-Anon principles and tools, in order to get to know myself before I jumped into any new relationship.
I focused on my career, and learning how to do it alone and then three years later ventured into dating. By then I knew the type of person I was and the type of person I was willing to let into my life. I dated an Al-Anon member and I am happy to say it worked out/is continuing to work very well.
Please get to know yourself, trust the process and know that you are enough
Lol LC check my post a couple up that was my recent experience regarding dating sites. I'm good with talking .. Better than being found in a shallow grave. That guy sent out the creepy vibe.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Lol, that is a bit scary mind you. People i know just dont wait around to meet someone the normal way. Maybe not normal but they take charge and go on constant dates. A woman i know has dates that last 30 mins because she knows right away and makes her excuses and leaves. Lol. She is ruthless in her quest.Its just not my style i dont think. Dont know what my style is mind you but i think it might be i the hands of my higher power. I dont know.
