Mercedes this is a good post and I hope others in our MIP jump in with their ESH.  I'm still learning.   What I have arrived at in detachment is that I am just one person in a world-wide family and I am not the king, I am as "just as or just like" person with a job...me.  I keep myself remembering that along with a saying that as sister in recovery gave to me.   "My only problem is me and my only solution God".  That stuck with me from first telling.

In Al-Anon I learned the lessons on interference and enabling and taking it personal and attempting control which include the inventories about the consequences of my actions.  Detachment became very important when I found out that most often my getting involved in other peoples affairs didn't produce positive results as I saw it and not a whole lot of those I tried to fix offered gifts of praise.  I also found that when I spent time trying to fix them no one was fixing my life.  In detachment I get to watch mostly and acknowledge that what I was watching might need help...or not and not from me.\

The question, "Do you need help with that" regardless of what I perceive needs support, is necessary and the next necessary thing is waiting for the answer.   One step at a time.

Today I love detachment and along with that your reminder that the tool is available.  At the end of the lets see if I took care of my needs or some one else's.   Thanks for the post.  (((((hugs)))))

Hey Mercedes, I think I read two different situations unfolding in your posting. The first being that your husband neglected to tell you about your stepson, because he thought you might say something negative, and the second you're feeling that your stepson and partner may not like you so that you are reaching out trying to help find a position.

First of all I would look at the statement that your partner made regarding how you might have responded to the loss of job.

If he is correct, and you see that it is true that you might have not been supportive and said something other than a positive, uplifting response than I would acknowledge that and say okay I understand. If that isn't true. I would validate myself and my position and state what I would've said.

As far as his stepson and partner liking you. I think that the reading in today's Courage to Change might be helpful. It speaks about living in the day and the slogan. "Think."

The reading points out that before we get into trouble, and react or get lost in obsessive thoughts or worry.--- we can stop ourselves ---look at what is going on, our part in it. After we have taken the time to process the situation, we can listen for spiritual guidance from within.

This spiritual guidance will remind us of our options and help us to find the actions and words that helps to put principles above personalities.

In other words I can stop look and listen before I respond to any issue that might challenge me.

I guess this is another way of saying respond don't react.

I guess I would use the tool of detachment. In order to be able to use the slogan." Think".

Thanks for processing the tools you are using and your journey.

Hi Mercedes (and everyone)!

I'm new to the group, but not new to the work of being well. Your story resonated so much with me. I understand what it feels like to be pouring yourself out into others, extending a hand, a shoulder, an ear - all of me. And then what inevitably happened ( over and over because I'm not necessarily a fast learner!) is that I was without time, strength, or ability to live my own life, because I spent so much time trying to help others live theirs. Of course this was a disservice to them as well. Because they never had an opportunity to fail if I rescued them. They never learned to use their own gifts if I offered all of mine as an excellent (perhaps "better"?) replacement....

Then I got sick. I think the mind body connection is a real thing...Our bodies hear our "stinkin' thinkin'" and it feels the affects of our busy-ness in other's business.

Lupus has been a good teacher to me, as is Al-Anon and counseling. These things have taught me how to stop "doing" and begin "being".

I guess the ultimate question though is - why did I start this behavior at all? What inside of me has me so scared of internal investigation that I would spend my days focused and invested on anyone but myself?

I haven't uncovered that yet.

Thank you for sharing your story - I know this is a hard situation, but I'm glad you've got the courage to look at all the moving parts.

I learned a lot from the post .... including the part about proactive people!!! I feel that from my ex-A that somehow my positive trait is the reason for his problems lol Also, I realized I have a trigger around the word "baby mama".

HOW STUPID AM I AND WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? I contacted the baby mama this morning. I told her that I wanted to print some of the pictures that she had taken of the baby by a professional photographer. I asked her for a disk from the photographer. My husband had already asked for the disk when it was ready and he had been told that was fine.

I wanted them for my husband's dad and aunt. She wrote me back and told me she would email the pictures to them (dad and aunt) if I would give her their email addresses. I explained to her that they don't do email.

I then explained that I wanted to print them and give them as gifts that I had tried to print them but they did not turn out well, print them from their shared email drive.

She then told me to print them at Walgreen's they were only .15. I told her that is where I printed them and they turned out really bad.

OK WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF.?I TOLD HER NEVERMIND. I WOULD JUST TAKE SOME PICTURES NEXT TIME WE GOT TOGETHER. I AM SO DONE. I need some ES&H. It's always an arguement. Why do I feel so disrespected? Why am I so angry?

There is just something going on with me today, just got off the phone with the third person who wanted to argue with me. I guess I need to go home and go back to bed.....LOL....have to just laugh, say the serenity prayer...........

I called a young friend in the program, she helped me and I feel better....thank god for the program.

 

 

M beating your self up and using language like stupid I learned doesn't free me from the problem in fact it makes it worse almost confirming that I am not healable.  In the ending statement of our meetings we hear the statement "We are not perfect..."  Since hearing it that statement I have learned self empathy and compassion and have come to allow me my mistakes or human errors.  I have also come to understand that I have time, ability and facility to change for the better into the person I desire to be.  When I add to that statement another closing statement,  "If I keep and open mind I will find help" I don't get lodged in my mistakes which are temporary.  Often times the person and behaviors we need to detach from is our own.  Go easy on Mercedes she isn't perfect and is a caring, loving, child of God.   Give her wide room to grow and become the woman she is.    (((((hugs)))))

 

Just because I haven't learned yet does not mean I will never arrive at where I need to be.  

Mercedes I agree "How important is it" answers many questions for me -- as far as the term "Baby Mama is concerned, I too hate it and simply refer to the person by their name with no title,
Good luck