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This is my first posting, after reading so many of the posts here over the last few months. I'm sure what I'm about to write will mirror so many of your experiences, but I feel the need to get it out there.
I've been in an on/off relationship with my HFA boyfriend for 8 years. I'm not even sure if he's high functioning anymore, as the lows in his life - and mine as a result - have become more frequent than the highs. It's taken me a long time to accept that he's sick and has no control over his disease. At times, I feel like he uses it as a crutch, or an excuse for his behavior when he can be bothered to even acknowledge what he's doing and how it affects our interaction. When I try to put loving detachment into action, he'll disappear for weeks on end, not respond to calls or texts, and then suddenly he does respond and wants to see me - at a time that's convenient for him with no regard to what's going on with my life. In the time that he's disappeared, I've gotten on with things - working, seeing friends and family, living my life the way I always have - and typically, lots has happened in the time he's avoided me. I signed up for a class that's going to take up the next 8 weeks of Tuesday evenings, and when I told him this, he didn't respond. At all. Nothing. This is typical of him, and you'd think I'd be used to it by now; he doesn't get his way and he sulks.
The last time this happened, he showed up at my place 2 hours after we were meant to go out, he'd been drinking and he brought more beer with him (I don't keep alcohol in my home - learned my lesson on that pretty early on). He sat in the living room until 3am drinking and when he came to bed and tried to touch me, I told him to sleep on the sofa. He got up, angry and yelling that he was tired of being judged and left. That was in late October, and I didn't hear from him again until just after Thanksgiving.
He hasn't been physically abusive toward me, but the way he treats me otherwise is appalling - and I've let it go on for far too long. I realize now (FINALLY!!) that every time I allow him back into my life I'm enabling his behavior, and that it won't change. All I can do is remove myself from the situation with as much compassion as I can muster, and if I'm being honest, it'll be hard to cut him out of my life permanently. I will always worry about him, and I will always care about him - but I care more about myself. And what I worry more for is when he decides to pop his head up and try to come back into my life; will I allow it or will I stick to my guns and say no? Has anyone ever put a no-contact rule into place, and if so - has it worked?
Thanks for reading, I know that there's no advice to be sought here, just support. Somehow, just writing it all out has helped.
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It's not the way we make up, it's the way we make amends.
Sometimes writing it all out helps, yes. Sometimes coming back to it a day later and re-reading what you have written, and pretending that your best friend wrote it help as well. you might want to try that.
Welcome ;) you sound strong.. I hear that you don't need him.. The answer is within you and you are pretty clear on what you need to do... You have good intuition and strength if it were me I would use them. Big hugs n support .. Keep coming back if you need a place to vent or for support
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
When I first came here the phrase "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes" rang church bells in my head - I knew pretty quickly that things HAD to change, I didn't want to keep doing the same things and getting to the same place. I also realized that the only thing I could change in the equation, was ME. I had no control over HIM and what he chose to do.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I used to do the back and forth with my exAh and I finally saw for me it held us both back from what we needed. I always felt like I was waiting for him and he knew he didn't want to have the relationship I wanted. The healthiest thing I did for myself was dive into al-anon face to face meetings and got a sponsor. I come here to MIP and listen and give ESH when I feel I have something useful to say. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me early on in a big way! I am glad you are here and like what I hear in your new found journey! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks to everyone - he's still MIA, which isn't at all a surprise to me. It's difficult to not have any expectations or even anticipate when he'll show up again; but I'm praying for the strength to tell him no. It's sad to say that even though I appear strong, he's my weakness.
Breakingfree, thanks for the book recommendation - and I'm going to my first Alanon meeting on Monday night. Question for anyone: how do you approach someone to be your sponsor?
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It's not the way we make up, it's the way we make amends.
my first thought was "Never make a rule you can't or are not able to back up with your actions. IF you know deep down your not ready to have a NO contact rule.. don't make it.
My second thought the minute I detached and backed off from my ex alcoholic in any way he knew exactly what to do to suck me back in ,, then when I moved back in emotionally he would push me away hard and act like I was the crazy one...
do be careful, you sound like you are not yet too far gone to take care of yourself first... those who really love you will be drawn to this and not go MIA or push you away ever!!
