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This morning I talked to my boyfriend for the first time after his slip up the other night. I talked to him the day after but he was still drunk so i don't really consider that "talking to him". I've heard from people who had seen him so I knew he was alive and actually they all said he didn't seem drink when they saw him. He told me today he was just giving me my space cause he knew he had messed up and he knew I was going to put him out So rather than the other times which always turned into a fight he just kept his distance. he said he hadn't been drinking except the 7beers he had that night and I actually believe him. Idk how I believe him cause I've been lied to so many times before, but this time i do. I'm still stuck on whether or not to let him come back home. it's hard for me not to "rule with an iron fist" per say because I feel like the reason he's drank for so long was because I allowed it. It always seemed like if I didn't say anything about it it got worse. If I put my foot down, he slowed down. And even now his not drinking or desire to try to stop is from me giving him the ultimatum ur family or it beer. He never even wanted to try to quit until I told him that. I do think this time is different just from his actions but a part of me is still like dont believe it. Right now he is staying with a friend who is also an alcoholic, who drinks all day vodka & beer, even at work and refuses to change. My boyfriend has managed to go 3 days without drinking even with this guy drinking around him. This is a first time ever. He's worried about Friday because fridays have always been a trigger. I've been reading a lot on here and the biggest thing I'm seeing is I'm not alone, so many things are similar to my boyfriends behaviors, so many of the comments, actions and reactions. So many of u have the same thoughts and feelings I have. It feels really good to not be alone. I hate this disease.
Hi, . You are correct we have all been there. Talking it over making rules , that are broken, living in fear and resentment.
Until I accepted that the the alcoholic had a disease and that talking about it will not cure it , I wasted precious time and energy in trying to make adjustments so he would drink less.
I finally accepted that I needed to treat my reaction to the disease in order for my life to improve. Alanon meetings, using the tools working the steps will help
when my husband got arrested on January 5th I let him go easily
when he had a bail bondsman call me 2 days later to ask if i was going to help with bail. I SET MY BOUNDARY with him. "yes IF you choose to go to detox and then right to rehab and you must COMPLETE rehab and be working A PROGRAM before you can come home" I did not say WHICH program. I did not say he had to go to rehab. I only say
IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I REQUIRE FOR MY PEACE OF MIND.
He kept saying "whatever you want" so I believed him. since I had never said anything about it before hand (I waited till I was at my last straw) HE KNOWS I am not backing down. He has been told... you may drink. IF You choose to drink (YOUR CHOICE) it means you choose NOT TO BE WITH ME.
I am not saying you can't drink and be with me. that's a different thing. I am saying "MY BOUNDARY is I WILL NOT be with YOU If YOU choose to drink"
today he is 50 days sober. He knows if he takes so much as ONE beer... we are DONE.
tell him if he is worried to GO TO A MEETING. CALL HIS SPONSOR (or go work to find one)
I'm getting a new tattoo.. I've decided. it's going to say NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS.
YOU cannot allow his drinking you can only allow yourself to accept it. IF He drinks that's HIS CHOICE... YOUR choice is what you do about it.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Yes, I think most if not all of us have been there. Guessing at motivations of our As. Wondering if "will this time be different?" looking for clues in their behavior, checking their circumstances. We say here that an active alcoholic's gonna drink, what are you gonna do? Hanging on all these things that we not only don't have control over, but really don't even know. We don't know if they are really motivated to do things, not by words anyway, only bu a history of actions.
I could easily turn around this statement:
"Right now he is staying with a friend who is also an alcoholic, who drinks all day vodka & beer, even at work and refuses to change. My boyfriend has managed to go 3 days without drinking even with this guy drinking around him. This is a first time ever."
because I would ask why is he hanging around with a known, totally unrelenting alcoholic? All of the alcohol is right there, friend probably telling him he's a wuss for not drinking, who knows? Can he keep it up for another 3 days around this guy? Why not hang around with people who are in recovery, who have the same goal that he purportedly has?
But again, we could go on and on with these questions. This is where our first step comes in, where we say that we acknowledge that we have no control over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. This to me is unmanageability, spending so much time on the person that our daily responsibilities go undone, bills go unpaid, sleepless nights ensue, our jobs suffer, health problems occur. I lived through that for a long a couple of years off and on, and finally once I acknowledged the first step I could get to the point to say that my wife is responsible for her recovery, and I am responsible for mine. If there is something I can help her with I will, but my acknowledgment of the first step makes me realize that the things I can help her with are much fewer than my heard wants to admit.
If my wife were to ask me a question "is this good for me, does it promote my recovery?" I might give her my opinion, but then I would refer her to her sponsor. If she doesn't ask me, I will not opine, and I won't devote the thought required to making an opinion. I have enough problems of my own in my recovery, and just in plain old day-to-day life!
Keep coming back here and posting, and get to some meetings too!
Thank u for all the comments. I am amazed at the feeling I get reading these, like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I literally have no one to talk to and have just held everything in. He's currently staying with the friend cause I told him not to come back here if he ever drank again. He drank and I put down my iron fist ruling. He has nowhere else to go, we don't have family here, all his friends are drinking buddies. I feel now though by not allowing him to come home I am actually setting him up for failure. I had already set the rule he is not allowed to drink here, not come here while he is still intoxicated and he hasn't drank here for several years. Now we went several days to weeks of not seeing him but he always came back when his drunk wore off. After dealing with the ups/downs of that part of the cycle we went through a separation and it's only been about 3mo that he's been back in the home. The stipulation was that of he drank again he was out. So that's why he's been staying with this friend the past few days. We live in a rural area and AA meetings are about an hr from us, no clue where the closest alanon face to face is. We have called numbers we found in the phone book but they've been disconnected or just ring. His trigger this time was he couldn't see his older kids cause his ex-wife tries keeping them away from him, he believes if he had another outlet, someone to talk to or even other friends other than drinking buddies he'd be more successful but he also has social anxiety so making friends is a challenge. This time I've told him despite the hr drive, we will go to the meetings, I'll go with if that's what it takes. I'm starting to wonder if me trying to iron hand the situation is setting him up for failure rather than help him with the recovery. But I always second guess myself as to am I enabaling or helping?
An alcoholic who wants to be in recovery will do it despite obstacles. Because there are always obstacles.
In my experience, there is always a part of an A's brain that's saying, "How much can I get away with? Will my partner really do what she's threatening, or can I get around the consequences of drinking? That's what I'd like best - to get around the consequences - even if I have to beg and plead or apologize or look hopeless and helpless. When I'm back in her good graces, I can carry on as usual."
They're also thinking, "Is drinking really harming me? Or is it just a temporary inconvenience, a few nights on someone's sofa? That would be an inconvenience I could deal with. Here's hoping it's no more than that! 'Cause I don't want alcholism to slow me down!"
He's looking at your behavior for the answers. His disease is very much hoping that you won't follow through on the boundaries you set.
An alcoholic who wants to be in recovery will do it despite obstacles. Because there are always obstacles.
In my experience, there is always a part of an A's brain that's saying, "How much can I get away with? Will my partner really do what she's threatening, or can I get around the consequences of drinking? That's what I'd like best - to get around the consequences - even if I have to beg and plead or apologize or look hopeless and helpless. When I'm back in her good graces, I can carry on as usual."
They're also thinking, "Is drinking really harming me? Or is it just a temporary inconvenience, a few nights on someone's sofa? That would be an inconvenience I could deal with. Here's hoping it's no more than that! 'Cause I don't want alcholism to slow me down!"
He's looking at your behavior for the answers. His disease is very much hoping that you won't follow through on the boundaries you set.
That's my experience. Take good care of yourself.
Mattie, thanks for sharing this (just came from a f2f meeting that rocked)
and yes if they WANT to do it because the OTHER option is not to their liking, it's amazing how motivated they can be.
My husband has been an A since i have known him. I would say things now and then. we tried this that and the other.
I never threatened him with ending the marriage.
I explained it to him this way :
I have a VERY wide line. It will take you a VERY LONG TIME to cross that line, BUT ONCE you have crossed it, there is NO GOING BACK.
My husband swears to the doctors right and left that he has no cravings for alcohol and I believe him. He KNOWS if he EVER takes a drink again he will be divorced and alone because no one else will even tolerate his level of broken but someone with my level of crazy....
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Ditto mattie. And in my experience, social anxiety, isolation, and making excuses to not reach out for any help were problems caused by alcoholism and worsened by it. They were never legit reasons for drinking or avoiding AA. An active drunk will often have you believing they have mental problems or some stressful job that makes it so much harder for them to get into recovery than anyone else. It is just about always smoke and mirrors and denial as the disease is running the show and not the person. Most people I know in AA all came in with social anxiety and stress they couldn't manage. Of course they did...that is what alcoholism does to a person. You absolutely are not setting him up for failure. Considering the extreme lengths he goes to do drink, how would he not be capable of going to extreme lengths to get sober? When I got sober, I left my alcoholic partner at the time and stayed with my 1 friend left in the world. She drank and smoked a lot of pot but knew I wanted to get sober and was starting AA. I drove all over the place going to meetings daily. Getting sober was top priority and i absolutely had nothing better to do. I did whatever folks in AA said basically because I wanted it that bad. Nothing you do or don't do will set him up for failure. He will either have a moment of clarity and some divine awakening that motivates him to work his ass off to get sober, or he will not. In the meanwhile, focus on you. Save yourself. Do you think he's worrying about setting you up for failure with his choices and behaviors? Nope. Take all that concern you have for him and nurture yourself. YOU owe so much more to yourself than to him partially because nobody is taking care of you while you are so focused on him and his disease which you have zero control over. He has a higher power of his own and you are not it. It is conceivable that stepping out of the way of his disease will actually give him a clearer path to his higher power. As an alcoholic, I promise you that nobody ever made me drink. I drank because I wanted to, because I was addicted, full of fear, and because I didn't want to surrender and do the work that actual recovery required.
