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My ah is almost 90 days sober but has been very hard to deal with. Has anyone had a hard time with getting space to detach. I can detach with out a problem, really. But I have a hard time with the constant pity party. Today: I get several emails from my ah that he has to leave his job because he is an idiot that can't do it and he needs to leave before his reputation is damage beyond repair. After several emails he starts getting mad at me because I'm not responding. I ask him what does he need from me and he said to look at differnt job that he applied to and give him an opinion.. I am so over the neediness of this guy! I am trying to have a nice day and he is constantly in my cube or emailing me aBout his problems. Last night I came home and texted him on whether he wanted hamburgers or spagetti- he didn't respond back in time so I made spaghetti. He went off on between spaghetti and hamburgers Always do protein- SAY what? Then I asked him how is day was and he said it was good until i interrupted him with our boss so "I couldn't tell him the importance of the problem" which I am sure he knows. Our boss had people waiting in his office for a meeting. He saw my face and said great your mad. I am going upstairs. An hour later (I just cleaned up dinner) he says he is sorry and doesn't know what is wrong with him and blah, blah.. I said the pity party after this kinda stuff is really hard on me can't we just let it go an enjoy the rest if the night... Nope mad again and pity party continues. (I did say it nicer than what I'm writing). How can u detach when they basically follow you around because they r miserable and want very one else to solve or feel bad all the time too. I found out that he isn't going to all the aa meetings that he told me he was going to do and he refuses to do the service part of the aa meetings because he is so exhausted. When I mentioned that maybe he should start again an before he was happy he was doing it he went off on me again. So he is miserable and in the process I'm miserable and probably my daughter is noticing it too. Help!!
I understand how you feel. Its the self pity that i couldnt stand either, the great big chip on the shoulder. To be fair i had some recovery work to do on my own self pity. If hes only 90 days sober the hes only at the beginning of his head starting to clear. I ha e heard it said that the alcoholic brain is stunted from the time they start drinking so it must be like waking up from a coma and realising your a big grown up and need to get the maturity and skills to cope with adult life. I can imagine his neediness must be draining for you. Are you working on your own recovery? It might help you with how you have been affected. Its a family disease and we dont get away from having very similar symptoms.
Yes I'm working on it but having a hard time with whatever this is and where it fits with my recovery. Is it a boundary I am not setting? Or a detachment? If it is a boundary how do tell him when he flips out so easy?
Help Angel, the behavior in early sobriety is extremely difficult to comprehend. The alcoholic is attempting to build life without alcohol and doesn't have a clue how to do it.
The best we can do is to treat the situation with courtesy and respect and take care of ourselves. If he emails a hundred times a ay, respond to a few say I am busy. I love you, we'll talk later.
If he asked for you to check out job applications for him again I'm really busy will talk later.
If he has a sponsor and is in AA, I would recommend that you tell him to call hissponsor with these issues as that is what it's all about. You in turn could to get to a meeting or call your sponsor and discusse as well.
HotRod thank you again you are very wise. I'm reading and feel bad I can't help yet but I'll get there.
I have to ask if you email them and "put them off" what do you do later when they are still "needy" and still want you to help?
do you help when you can or
How do you NOT help them and yet appear supportive and loving?
hotrod wrote:
Help Angel, the behavior in early sobriety is extremely difficult to comprehend. The alcoholic is attempting to build life without alcohol and doesn't have a clue how to do it.
The best we can do is to treat the situation with courtesy and respect and take care of ourselves. If he emails a hundred times a ay, respond to a few say I am busy. I love you, we'll talk later.
If he asked for you to check out job applications for him again I'm really busy will talk later.
If he has a sponsor and is in AA, I would recommend that you tell him to call hissponsor with these issues as that is what it's all about. You in turn could to get to a meeting or call your sponsor and discusse as well.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
We have a few slogans that could be of help here. JADE is one - you don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Engage with an active alcoholic. If I am busy, then I am busy. If I asked something and never got an answer, then I get to make the choice. Beyond that, it's all justification for why I did a perfectly rational thing. I won't be baited into debating when I make a perfectly rational decision with someone who has a sick mind and can't comprehend its rationality. It becomes very much like mud wrestling with the a pig, where you get all dirty and the pig has fun anyway!
Also, "'No' is a complete sentence". This goes along with not engaging or justifying
Lastly, keeping my side of the street clean. My A has her side of the street he needs to keep clean, and I have mine. I keep mine clean by going to meetings, not engaging in mouthiness or meanness, supporting my wife even when drunk, not enabling her so that she can feel the consequences of her own choices. Her side of the street is hers. If I don't keep my side of the street clean, I certainly don't get to look over there, because I should be looking at my side to get it clean. So I stay up on the forum here, and get to meetings as much as possible.
How do you NOT help them and yet appear supportive and loving?
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You can always say "I know you are smart. I know you will figure out what you want/like/need because you are so smart. You can do this!" Lots of flattery. Et cetera. And then say you are busy and you have to go. Stay busy yourself so that you are not in the firing range of their temper when they get mad. They will want to pull you into their stuff because it has always worked before. If you are working your program and busy at it, they will finally realize that you are not the person you used to be. It may feel cold and heartless at first but keep reminding yourself that 'normal' people have no problem with this. You are not in a normal relationship.
Thank you so much for so many wonderful comments. My anxiety came way down when I heard from everyone! I do have one more question. He has a really good job and they have been so great about him going into rehab and such and yet he wants to leave... I am not sure if this is the alcoholic mind and if so should I try and tell him that it is not a good idea or just let him figure it out and just let it go. He is applying for jobs two hours away which means he would be only home on weekends. In a lot of ways I am like YES!!! Maybe he will move up there and leave me alone and then we will just separate and he can have is life And I can have mine. Or should I say anything like " I thought aa says not to change jobs for a year.. I have to say I would be relieved if he left but am having this he is going to regret it if he does moment. Especially how he has so many ups and downs - how can that be a healthy decision to move away?? Do we just keep it about us and our recovery or do we guide them when we know they r being a bit crazy?? Some of these choices can and will have permanent consequences.
What happened in my life: When my now sober hubby lost his job (he got a DUI in the company car- ugh) he found a new one in North Carolina. It paid fantastic, but it was 1000 miles away. He worked that job for 2 years, going on Monday morning and coming home on Thursday night. He worked from home on Friday and Saturday to make up for the travel time. It was nice for me, but I had to adjust to the freedom. It didn't feel like freedom because I was so fearful and I had a real abandonment issue. It was during that time in AlAnon for me that I finally realized that I WAS GOING TO BE OK. Life went on with him there or with him not there. And I was OK.
Thank you. I realized after I wrote it that I can't control what he does and that to just let go of all that I have been holding onto. I can't control it, didn't cause it! I am getting there! :)
I'm hearing spouses trying to utilize you as an AA sponsor but being lazy, not wanting to be vulnerable, and pushing their neediness off on you. Supportive without helping is also saying "Call your sponsor. I can empathize somewhat, but your sponsor will be of better use." Alcoholics in early recovery really need help from other alcoholics...The spouse is too close and enmeshed to be wrapped up in that BS. Also the spouse needs healing in alanon too as we know. If they give drama about not finding a sponsor, not trusting one, or other BS about being too exhausted for meetings..."Sorry to hear that, help is out there for you when you are ready." Not advocating you saying the following because this is what a sponsor can do that a spouse can't: If I tried to tell my sponsor I was too exhausted to go to meetings at 90 days sober, he would have told me "You were pretty much never too exhausted to drink. That is relapse talk" and then I would suck it up and stop my bullcrap amd go to meetings. So in sum, newly recovering A's need sponsors and it IS good boundaries for spouses to not try to sponsor their A's.
