The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
oohhhh. Acceptance stage. Im going to have to work through that some. Some of the feedback i recd about acceptance and expectations were spot on but hard to figure out. . In practice, in life. I need to process this mire. But right now to vent. My ah actually wonders why the tension level.goes up when he comes home. . Welll lets see. . He jyst walked in. . Let the dog out of her kennel(i put her there bc she was being naughty), he immeduately asked wheres the remote and when daughter said im watching this he replied, im not watching this crap(bc why would the ten yo and the wife get a choice) & then he said to her, spend time with me watch what i watch(ummm and he wonders why we leave room or read books). . I truly cant imagine being THAT selfish. Really. Its truly amazing. Now ive learned/chosen to "live with it" by sadly quechling my own likes and dislikes but what is a ten yr old to do. . How am i supposed to parent around his alcoholism AND selfishness. . Good grief. . More soon. . Maybe i should copy this to the boards to see how other parents cope. . this makesh sound awful. . He really isnt but man is it maddening how selfish he can be and factor in the drinking and have mercy. . Thanks for listening
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Vent away, TOC! That's one thing I didn't have, my AW wasn't aggressively selfish, it was more passive - she would drink until passed out, then hog up the couch while we tried to watch what my son and I wanted. I introduced him to the Thunderbirds in those days - an old stop-motion kid's show from the early 60s.
There have been a lot of posts on detaching with love today, I hope you can get to them. This really is difficult, I couldn't imagine living with a selfish person, even when my wife was drinking she wasn't really selfish in that way.
I've told my daughter that her father loves her but is emotionally limited. In other words, he loves her as much as he's capable of loving anyone, but he's very self focused on himself and what he wants. I've told her let's take the best we can from the situation--like the fact he lets her have sweets, which is not allowed at our house, and he never nags her to take a shower like I do . My daughter is also 10 and seems to have a pretty good understanding of these various situations. Good luck, and please let us know how you handle it with her and how it goes.
Being honest with children is a great idea. I also would allow her to have her own TV and watch her own shows ,in her room, and not insist that we have "family time" when he wants to watch his shows.
As for yourself.,OCM please know that making your needs invisible and going along to get along is damaging your self esteem and self worth.
I also made myself invisible, in order to not create a crisis and discovered that by so doing, I not only lost myself, who I was and what I liked, I alsoallowed the alcoholicto believe that all was well and I was happy. This wass far from the truth, and I needed to learn how to validate my needs without causing a crisis.
Al-Anon gave me the tools that asked me to define my principles and then place those principles above all else and act to validate my needs.. I began by making gratitude and assets lists daily and when I felt overwhelmed, I would read these lists over and then taking constructive action on my behalf,
. My daughter is also 10 and seems to have a pretty good understanding of these various situations. Good luck, and please let us know how you handle it with her and how it goes.