The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The O D A T for today, February 23 speaks about my favorite subject; "Detachment". The reading goes on to explain that detachment, in the Al-Anon sense does not mean separating ourselves or our love and compassion from people. It simply means that we bring the focus back within ourselves, realize that we are individuals and not bound, morally to shoulder anyone else's responsibilities.
This concept was difficult for me to accept and to practice early on in program. I was so wrapped up with the behavior and actions of the alcoholic, that I felt it was my responsibility to fix all the problems caused by the disease, pretend I was happy living in the insanity, and denied the reality of what was going on. I had no other tools at that time.
Entering Al-Anon. It was explained to me that I had become enmeshed with the alcoholic and had lost myself in the process. My focus had been always outside myself, trying to fix others, make others happy, and I had neglected my own needs and made myself invisible.
Detachment simply asked that I go within and nurture myself, while still being kind and courteous to others. This sounded like a huge order but when I had to attempt.
Keeping the focus on myself, living one day at a time, stopping blaming and criticizing others by using the slogans of the serenity prayer, refusing to project into the future, all helped me to understand and use this important tool. When I was busy focusing on myself, taking care of my emotional and physical needs, I found I had little time to focus on others and their lives and how not a clue how to solve their problems. This is the gift of detachment.
The reading points out that each of us in a relationship and marriage is a free individual, that neither one is in control of the other and that detachment is essential to a healthy relationship.
The quote from Corinthians reads; "for what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? Or what knowest thou ol man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? As the Lord hath called everyone, so let him walk.".
the two topics I picked up first, when I came to Alanon were ~detachment~ and ~feelings~. with Detachment my first impulse was to try and pass it on to others, that apply it to myself!
Then I felt that is I got my head into gear, and learned to detach perfectly, my efforts to detach would get the alcoholic into recovery! Not caretaking was going to facilitate this... I learned to care~give rather than care-x-take... or at least I thought I did...
...I could not divorce the alcoholic because he was a parent... but over time, as I changed I did become divorced from the family, and the family culture. I know that this does not happen to everyone... ...some people do get a response from the alcoholic, and sometimes the family applauds the initiative to change.
As I have shared b4 I made Lois and Bill my mum and dad... they were star pointers to our higher power... and when I visited their/our home I did have an epiphany where i saw everyone in Alanon and AA as my sister and brother... I wept tears of gratitude...
...learning to focus on my own needs led me to healthy detachment... it is impossible for the mind to work alone...
minding my own business and learning what my own business is makes detachment as easy as falling off a log....
And again... seeing detachment demonstrated by other Alanon members is a really good guide!
Thanks for sharing your wisdom David I love how you referenced the change with in you as you practiced program.
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Your "care taking" became "care giving". What a difference . We take care of ourselves first and then give the same care others.
