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So i have bee all over the place for the last two weeks. Partner away working and atto tide towards me changed which is again this 1%.
He is being distant, hasnt said he loves me or misses me which he always usually does but asks what I want to do when he gets home, booming gig tickets and telling me to tell him what I want from our intimate side so I guess that maybe means he's not planning on leaving us however he will ignore messages he doesn't want to answer, and as I said won't say he loves or misses me.
I feel like he punishing me for somethin what i do not know. He says he is fine but I am a mess. Can't eat and feel very shaky obviously as I am very anxious.
hes not being abusive or anything just feel like he can't be bothered with me or is sick of looking at me! Like one min he says one thing then when I suggest we do x y or z related to what he wants he says no he can't be bothered.
this is feeling like hard work and his 1% has never gone on this long before. Is this normal? as I've said before he's been sober almost 12 years.
i am in total turmoil. I'm praying everyday and night he comes out this dark place and fast x
I do but can't get to it til next wkend as I'm home alone with the wee ones!
I have a friend from here helping me tho so I'm not alone and thank you.
He keeps talking about us as awe and family just not loving! X
Lola just keep working on you. There is not Much more you can do. You are only in control Of you not him. Keep reading online get your Daily readers to give you strength. The more you focus on the A And their behavior it will drive you crazy.
Get to as many alanon Meeting as possible for you. You will Learn to make yourself happy. Learn the tools on loving detachment And boundaries plus much more.
In order to be emotionally sober alcoholics need to attend AA, They need total ego squashing to become teachable and humble Then they need to hand their will over to God and be brutally honest. That is huge for An A. Then they work the steps with a sponsor and then make amends to those that they harmed. Then after all that They get spiritually sober. It is daunting especially the ego and Brutal honesty.
My ah has been dry for 30 years. The disease progresses if left Untreated. It is never cured only arrested with total abstinence. My ah is a dry drunk, that is an alcoholic that no longer drinks Anymore but that is not emotionally sober. They need to face Themselves and their demons that made them a drunk in the First place.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 21st of February 2015 07:45:19 AM
Lola -- This has happened often in my realationships with an alcoholic-sober or not. The best we can do is keep using the alanon tools,detach, keep the focus on ourselves, vaidate our own needs and wants and take care of our own emotional health. It is not easy but it is possible and you will find you are happier, and more at peace then ever before.
Thank you. I am going to head out with the kids on their bikes to the park Nd freeze our wee asses off!
I absolutely love him with all my heart and want to be with him forever .
I know I need to work on me and today I did realise I never do anything just for me so I am going to try and do that when he comes home I can get out running more, just me the open road and music. And no doubt the snow and rain!
It is difficult indeed, I'd love him whether he was or wasn't an alcoholic that much I know. He's the first I've ever had mind you and I want him to be my absolute last man! Xx
To be loved: You have referred to "his 1%" in reference to little parts of him that you wish would change to make him perfect and to make you happy.
I can identify with that, but I also know now that it was never the other person's 1% that needed changing. It was more like my 90% insecurity, low self-esteem, and obsession on another's actions, guessing their moods, what they might be thinking, and pleasing them in order to make me feel my world was okay. The problem was never them. It was always me. It was never that someone didn't fit 100 percent as a perfect puzzle piece to fit with me. It was that I was very scared, insecure, and I didn't have a good idea of who I was apart from the relationship I was in. I stayed "other focused" for many reasons....many. Some of it was because I didn't like myself and didn't want to look at myself. Some was, that I didn't know what direction I wanted to take in life and I used the relationship to buffer me making needed changes. And then some was that I was actually afraid that if I became less needy and clingy, I would stop loving my partner at the time and we would break up and I was really scared of that.
It has been hard to grow into my own person. When I first started reading books like "Codependent No more" and "The language of letting go" the passages hit me like a ton of bricks. I did not want to think that the way I loved people needed work because of some deeper sickness with regard to me not fully loving myself first. I now know that nobody is a 100 percent fit with me at all times. I would never put a satisfaction number on my current relationship/marriage because I am 100 percent me and he is 100 percent him and that is how I want it to be. If I am less than fulfilled and happy, that is 100 percent my problem and my issue to deal with. I spent my entire life latching on to partners who were emotionally distant at times (or much of the time). Some of that was because they found it refreshing and appealing to be with someone so emotional (at least at first) because I would drag the emotions out of them and I was like the feeling/emotional side to their action oriented/thinking/"strong" side. Usually they got tired of me being so emotional and needy and I got tired of them stonewalling and being emotionally distant. In the beginning it was always good though. They always thought I was so empathic and caring (which I am but it was coming at the expense of other parts of me that were underdeveloped). I really thought this was the reason I repeatedly got into relationships where I was constantly craving attention and affection that I wasn't getting. Now I know it was really that I was overly emotional and they were emotionally underdeveloped/stifled....I spent YEARS locked in that relationship pattern and focused on making the other person more emotionally available when really it was all about me...it always was. It was all about me changing, growing, and becoming confident in myself such that I could have a partner who complemented me rather than completing me.
So, I invite you to ditch the idea that your partner or relationship is 99% perfect because, it sounds like you spend way more than 1 percent of the time concerned about this dynamic but also just based on my experience, it was never about the relationship or them. It was me. I got into AA and then alanon to change my drinking and to change my relationships and wound up changing me....and I couldn't be more pleased with that result even though it is not what I expected at all.
To be loved, well done for reaching out, thats part of recovery. There are meetings here, we are 5 hours ahead time wise, im not sure of the times to be honest, can anyone help with times?
The meetings here are good. Also, the search box on this page lets you search any topic. Detaching with love might be helpful here. I do this with the alcoholics in my life. If i get the emotional unavailable behaviour i dont question it or try to sooth them anymore. I let them have their own feelings, i am courteous and pleasant but its not my job to improve anyone elses mental state, im powerless over that. I can only be in charge of my mental state, i also dont let others moods dictate my moods. Its not easy at first but accepting im powerless means i can let go of the persons behaviour, know i didnt cause it cant control it or cure it so i dont give it that much thought.
You are doing brilliant, taking the kids to the park is detaching. Remember your partner suffers from a disease that he has had for many years and this is most likely the behaviours he has always displayed on and off. Enjoy the park then think about dojng another nice thing for you and the kids, and then another. Be nice and kind to you today, show you the love you deserve.x
Pinkchip. My god! It's like you literally wrote that about me!
You have absolutely hit the nail on the head! I do spend more time worrying and I do honour of my way to please and try and be perfect not once did I even look at that til you just said it!
It is 100%me and my insecurities. I have issues from my past I've buried and had the onwards and upwards attitude, never taking the time to deal with these issues which hopeful I can with al anon! And this forum.
I don't think I've ever related so much to anything as much as your post in my life.
El cee, thank you. Rain is now on so off to softplay we go! I will take my book and escape for an hour or so.
Your support is endless on here and means so much. Altho I am getting greedy and already want to be at the thinking differently stage!
I'm confident it will come tho xx
Anyway Alcoholics play weird games.. looking back I remember my ex A, being distant, ignoring my need literally leaving me stranded and injured on a highway when he had access to vehicles to come help me and had skills with cars. Then I'd find a note that said " I love you" nothing else.
Back and forth playing with my mind...
Still don't know what all that craziness was about except I now realize he was using pills and drinking.
I'm so thankful I'm out! not feeling loved was my life until the last few years, first I learned to truly love me on my own, then God blessed me with a non alcoholic loving person in my life...
Higher Power loved me all along and I knew it, that should be all I need, but I feel secure and happy to have human love too. He made us that way.
