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I have done well in letting my husband take on his own issues, but those around me often step on my toes. Just when I think that maybe, just maybe this disease will finally slap him in the face, someone else intervenes and cleans up the mess. Last week my husband went out with his friend and came home drunk. He had no business driving (and he took my car no less). He was supposed to be in to work the next day at 6am. He didn't wake up until 7am and went to work still staggering. He was late and received points. I was up when he should have been, but let it go and went back to bed. In the mindset that natural consequences often work best, I let it roll and it didn't bother me like it used to years ago. I've made progress with these issues, and only intervene when he is acting dangerously around the kids (a whole line of other stories...).
Despite my progress, his family often steps in and creates havoc on his progress. The latest example was last week when his mother stepped in to save the day with regard to his probation and required community service hours. He needs to complete 24 hrs. He was placed on probation in January of 2014. His probation is up in June, but he needs to have this completed at least 60 days prior to the end date. I have stepped back and let him deal with it on his own, but his mother was very worried that he hadn't done what he needed to yet. We did talk about it, and I thought she was on the same page as she had stated that it may be a good idea for her to let him deal with it himself and actually complete the hours. Of course that did not happen. She currently works for a school district in our area, and she was able to get a letter head from the school and write up a bunch of bogus hours and activities stating that my husband completed the services there. She signed off on it no less and provided her contact information. (Keep in mind that she did this once before when my husband was on probation for a dui-she stated that he helped out with girl scouts which my sister in law was involved in at the time). I would think that the probation officer would be wise enough to notice that the last names are the same and make him actually do it, but the luck this man has is quite incredible. The judge told him flat out that if he didn't comply with the requirements that he was going to jail. (he had one prior on his record where he basically got a get out of jail free card, and then this theft incident happened and the judge gave him another get out of jail free card---meanwhile stating that he never grants more than one...). I guess I have at least made progress as I'm not freaking out about it, and I'm prepared to deal with whatever comes of this and what I have to do on my end. I suppose indifference is a good thing at this point.
My problem though is the constant clean-up crew that he has hanging in the shadows. When he was younger, he wrecked his truck because he was intoxicated. He hit a tree and completely totaled it. At that point he ran and hid and called his parents; they came an picked him up in order to hide him from the police. He was only charged with leaving the scene of an accident and they paid his fines. Then he got a dui and also had marijuana charges. They dropped the marijuana charges, and had him go through the ARD class and do community service (girl scouts aka mommy's cover...). He got his truck stuck a few times thereafter where his father came and pulled him out before the police were called. He also wrecked my jeep and ran from that as well. Long story short, my father-in-law actually called the police station and said that he was driving it, swerved to miss a deer, and the jeep rolled over (mind you his father tried making me tell the police that I was driving--NO). He had to call because it was impounded this time. My father-in-law was charged with fines for this. Fast forward through many other similar situations, and here he is having his mother bail him out again.
I don't know what my point is or what question I'm trying to ask here, but I'm just frustrated. It seems like we wait and wait and wait, and that moment of clarity that I'm waiting for my husband to have may never come. I just hope when his luck finally runs out it isn't also his end point. I suppose that even when we do what we need to for ourselves, there is no way to mend a heart that aches for something that may never come.
It is certainly frustrating watching the enablers. It does help us see the sickness that alcoholism can induce in everyone around it.
And it's very tempting to think that if it weren't for the enablers, the A would hit rock bottom and decide to reform. I know I was always thinking, "If it weren't for X, he'd see the light ... if only Y, he'd see the light ... when Z happens, he'll see the light ..."
Eventually most of those things did happen and mine did not see the light - that's how powerful the disease is. Statistically speaking, most of them never see the light. Instead we're often on tenterhooks for years, thinking that the big change could be just around the corner...
I want to suggest something gently that might throw a different light on it. But I am not telling you what to do, because you know your situation better than we ever can, and you know what's best for you. This is only something that occurred to me. It is always so tempting (I know because I've done it so many times) to think, 'If only he didn't have that soft cushion that so-and-so is offering him, he would realize the bad consquences of his drinking...' But at the same time that I was wishing my A would experience all these real and bad consequences, I was staying with him. The bad and realistic and reasonable consequence of losing his relationship, because of the pain and hardship he was causing me, were not consequences I let him have. I protected him from that consequence for years. He got to be unreasonable, incoherent, drunken, spendthrift, money-losing, and badly behaved all round for years, but I was still there when he came home, I still cooked and cleaned, I helped keep a roof over his head. And even though I told him I hated his drinking, I clearly didn't hate it very much, the way he saw it, because I stuck with him for all that time. All my husband's other enablers only enabled now and then. They might well have been thinking of me, 'If only she wouldn't enable him every day by staying around, then he'd really see the consequences of his drinking.' So we were both thinking the key was in the other person's hands, very probably.
Meanwhile he got enabled from all sides. Who knows what would have happened to his drinking if we had all stopped enabling. Probably nothing. Because eventually many did, and he never stopped. But all of us enablers suffered for a long time.
Thank you Watchdog for posting this - it is a really good illustration of my thinking for a long long time. I love Mattie's gentle idea. It is a dastardly disease isn't it?!
I so relate watchdog, the very same thing has been driving me crazy for a long, long time. I love Matties take on this, I have never seen it quite that way before.
I do feel that although it drives me crazy to watch my A do whatever he wants again and again and never suffer any obvious consequences, thats because what he has chosen to value is freedom from consequences. I cant know what he wants really but his actions suggest that he currently values a life that never changes or gets messed up by pesky things like consequences. And that seems to be exactly what he gets, he gets away with murder again and again.. I on the other hand value spiritual growth, freedom from destructive habits and new ways of doing things and being a better me. Which involves a lot of pain and a lot of facing consequences, with amazing rewards. Just like him, i am getting what i want in spades. I cant choose for him what he wants, I can just focus in me and my own path and trust that he will find his, whatever it might be.
its not easy but then again, would you WANT to do all of those stupid things you described him doing and get away with them? Or do you want something bigger that might be harder to get?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I remember what it felt like to watch another person go through life treating other people like crap and not getting the consequences I thought they deserved. In retrospect, I wonder now what was the point of me being with someone I thought was that selfish, that needed to go to jail to learn a lesson, that should probably get fired or will never live up to their potential because of drinking and having other enablers in their life. I also think, to some degree I was that person myself. In retrospect, I know it weighed heavy on my heart...even when I said I was used to it and didn't care. I was still living with a person and trying to have an intimate partnership with someone I had zero respect for and even some contempt for the way they copped out of responsibility and skated through life without thinking of others. Somewhere along the line, I accepted that this was love? Of course now, years later, I am married to someone who I watch being kind to others, working hard, worrying about our future, our retirement, planning trips for us, sharing responsibilities daily, reaching out to his family. Someone I can admire and respect. I never deserved less and, honestly, my ex-A deserved better than my scorn and annoyance at the way he lived his life (regardless of how wrong it really may have been on many levels).
I also know it's complicated for all families - spouses and parents of an addict. Parents almost instinctively protect...They fear their child being homeless, in jail, losing contact with the grandkids and that cuts like a knife...that fear. So it's not like I don't have compassion for all parties. Such a sad and awful disease that erodes a person's moral fabric and then pulls hard for family members and others to try and make things right out of horrible fear...
You sound very healthy with lots of wisdom. Im a mother that enabled for years but have stopped now mostly. I understand the feelings behind it with your own children. Helping and mothering can be really dangerous for your husband. You are showing him love by allowing the natural consequences of his behaviour. I think the consequences will come for everyone concerned. Your mother in law using her position in a school to lie like this surely is a sackable offence? Its fraud surely? You are powerless over him, them and whatever is for him. I think you doing what your doing is the best you can do. You could talk to the parents and see if they can understand how their behaviour is not good for your husband but im not sure its an easy thing to understand and its a hard habit to break. The program tells us not to cause a crisis or prevent it so maybe the slogan, live and let live is the one to use here. Getting on with your own life and not waiting for the crisis might be the goal that gets you serenity and thats all you can really work towards.
Thanks so much Mattie. I have read many of your posts and see the similarities between us. Unfortunately I often do not get time to respond because when I finally get time to sit down and read here, one of the kids wakes up, etc.
You have made some very good points here and I completely agree that my staying is in fact enabling him. I have sat in the turmoil in my head for years trying to figure out the best things to do for everyone. I did leave once, and he did settle down for a few months and things were decent. As the story goes, that didn't last forever. At the time my son was about two years old. The hardest part for me was thinking about what would happen with my son if I left. If my husband was granted some form of custody, he would surely hurt him. In retrospect, I probably should have stayed away, but I love him whole heartedly (the sober husband of course). At that point I still had hope I guess.
I'm currently in a place where my indifference to the situation is not doing a darn thing but helping me to keep my sanity. I abandon the alcoholic and welcome my husband in the morning with open arms. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work. I'm at the point now where I'm also toying with the idea that my staying may be halting his progress. I have looked into drawing up divorce papers to use as a scare tactic, and am preparing for the worst should that come. However, it does cost more than I thought it would, and I have much more planning to do for it than I even imagined. I will figure it out I suppose.
Thank you for your honesty and concern :) It means a lot to have someone there who knows the ropes of this difficult situation. Most often my own supports look at me like I have four heads and they are often judgmental. No one really understands how hard it is to live with an alcoholic monster just to see your normal husband once and awhile.
Thank you MissMeliss. You are so very right about getting what you want. I am trying so hard to focus on what I want, and trying to let what he is doing take its course. I think it's a good thing to try to climb the mountain yourself; that's what I'm working on too. For years I climbed a mountain with a 200 some odd pound man on my shoulders, and had to keep stopping my journey because I had to turn around and pick him up and put him back on my shoulders. Letting him fall behind and continuing uphill has been refreshing. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the rest.
Pinkchip, thank you so much for your response. I love reading your posts as we have quite a bit in common. I also work in therapy and have all of those fun degrees in Psychology (although sometimes I think they come back to bite me in the butt...). My parents were also big advocates of my brother, and I was always the one who could never do enough. My father was abusive back then, and I turned to Psychology while my brother turned to drugs and alcohol. Today my father has reformed since he watched my brother behave in similar ways, and my brother is barely functioning. I'm still called out on my inability to do the impossible, like being president is in the cards or something, but I've learned to take that in stride just as you have.
I have thought about you often since I read one of your posts regarding the job situation and wondered how you made out with that. I know you were beating yourself up about the money and the potential pitfall of falling into the same behavioral patterns of trying to impress your parents. I can't help but wonder though if your rationalization here was to curb a potential maladaptive behavior, when in fact you may have been drawn to this job because of the difficult situations these individuals faced, and the fact that you yourself faced similar hardships and managed to prosper despite the perceived inability to do so. If the individuals you are speaking of are the ones that no one feels will ever make progress, then perhaps you are drawn to them because you were also in a situation where people thought you weren't going anywhere. Maybe this position isn't right for you, I don't know the exact nature of the job; however, it may be more personally driven than maladaptive and that's where your battles are lying. Trying to move forward without falling into the same patterns takes a lot of work, but it also may inhibit you from doing something that may be very rewarding. I know I get tangled in my web of "why am I really doing this" confusion as well. It's certainly very interesting how progress works. We work so hard to curb maladaptive behaviors that we sometimes miss what we are really driven by. Perhaps you were driven by your own personal experiences and successes rather than your inner demons. Given what you went through in your life, I think you are pretty amazing to be sitting here helping us.
I enjoy reading about your new relationship as well. You so much deserve a happy ending and I'm so happy for you that you achieved it. It sounds like something I hope for often, and I often think I'm kidding myself that I will get my happy ending staying here. I also beat myself up for thinking and wishing bad things to happen to wake him up, and I do think that this isn't fair to him. However, on the flip side, I also think that if he were to move on he would only choose someone who is fine with his drinking and his choices, which would only lead him to regress further (I'd be out a husband, and he'd be worse than he is now). I tell myself daily that my tough love is not a sign of poor spousal behavior, but rather one of support and compassion. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but my indifference here has lead me to reevaluate what I'm doing as nothing is working. In thinking about my role in this, I'm still only thinking about him. I really need to step out of my shoes for a bit and reflect. While I've been working on what I want in life and what the kids need, I'm still his foundation and leg to stand on I suppose. I love him, and have loved him for most of my life, but I don't know that I'm willing to sacrifice my happy ending forever. That's were my head spins sprouting the grey hairs....
My homework this week was to find a new support system that does not look at me with the four heads lol ... So I set boundaries with the rest and told them I am willing to let them go. My body instantly relaxed as soon as the words came out of my mouth.
El cee, I have read so many of your posts and can very much relate to what you are going through. My brother is an alcoholic, and I spent most of my teenage years living in turmoil trying to help my parents sift through the chaos and pick up the pieces. I know how hard it is to watch a child go through this because I've cradled my mother in my arms on more than one occasion. I think I'd rather have an alcoholic spouse than an alcoholic child. I feel for you, and commend you on your ability to love and detach. I don't know that I could be so strong.
I may have sounded a bit inconsiderate when I posted here because I was emotionally charged when I wrote it. I do understand my mother-in-law and her choices. She too suffered in silence when she was younger, as her brother was killed as a teenager by a drunk driver, and her father died in his early 60's as a result of cirrhosis of the liver. I see where she is coming from, and she has told me a few times that she doesn't want to know what is going on with him because not knowing allows her to think that he is ok. I've tried to talk to her; let's face it, I need her help. Unfortunately, I think she saves him pretty consistently in an effort to protect herself from the dark places that she's been. I get it completely, but I just get a little frustrated.
I love your insights watchdog. I always have to question my motives. At any given time, some of my behavior is likely driven by unhealthy motives. It's a lot better than it used to be, as I know I am a healthier person, but there is always residue. This recovery thing is for life a day at a time. If I don't stay up on it, it will turn sour and I will be convincing myself otherwise until something slaps me in the face to get honest and get back to work. I have to ask myself what I really want and to pray and meditate a lot so I don't go after things because of impatience, insecurities, or greed (this is mostly in reference to career). I've done lots of work on my major issues, but there will always be some family of origin stuff because my whole framework for unsterstanding the world was built on that.
I also learn from you guys that my goals in life and my journey are not necessarily the "right" ones for others. My longest relationship has been just shy of 7 years (that was also the sickest one with another alcoholic). So...as hard as I clung to that with no kids, no legal marriage at the time, I can only imagine when you have 10, 15, 20 or more years with someone and they are the father/mother of your children. I'm sure your husband is not the devil and in no way are you a fool for being with him. I'm betting he's a lot like me prior to getting sober. I had potential, I was smart...but was self sabotaging and I forced my parents to enable me also. My mom was a teacher and I was the kid that wouldn't grow up. They bailed me out way too much...mostly financially and emotionally.
