The material presented
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I'm new here, and am in need of serious direction. I'm 32, just finished graduate school, and am still at home because of it. Now, my father is a hardcore alcoholic. He's always been a drinker, but now it's the hard stuff. He has pretty much destroyed my entire family. I truly feel he has lost touch with reality. He is verbally abusive to my mom, and has been since they got married. She can't even go shopping or to a work party without being interrogated or even stalked by him. My brother got married in August, and he ruined the whole thing for my mom. He has alienated my brother, mom, and now me.
He's walked out of detox twice after less then 24 hours each. He lying beyond what words can explain. I could go all day, but as bad as I make him sound, multiply it by one million.
I'm really lost. I am now past the point of trying to help. I have to worry about me. My concern is my mom. Him getting help is out of the question. We're going to meetings, etc. It's not enough. I guess I'm scared for me, because I'm afraid I'll turn into him one day. Does anyone have any ideas?
Phinatic Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You are not alone. Many here and at ACOA meetings share your fear , concerns and anxiety. We too lived with the disease of alcoholism in a parent and developed coping tools that no longer serve us. I found that I needed additional support to not only survive but thrive .
Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities an I am glad you and your Mom are attending.
Working the Steps, meetings, living one day at a time focus on myself finally helped me to change the direction of my life and gain the courage, serenity and wisdom to move forward.
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Please. keep coming back and keep on working the program it works if you work it.
P the last word of the second step is "sanity". We can be restored to sanity which for me became defined as "a continuous and orderly process of thought" one night at my home group. When I heard that definition I knew I had never had sanity before as described and I wanted to be able to have it and do it. It's okay to drop the weight from your shoulders and allow your father full responsibility for h is disease and the outcomes of it and his decisions. Its okay. I loved hearing that and learning how to do it when I first found Al-Anon and I love hearing it still here in MIP also. The direction I needed was the new set of steps from the program...that saved my life and my sanity. Keep coming back often...read and learn and practice. (((((hugs)))))
Congratulations on finishing Graduate School, I imagine it was quite hard to concentrate at times with all that was going on at home.
It sounds to me as though you are on a good track - you know what you don't want to be, and you know that, like everyone else in the world, you have the potential to go down paths that are unhealthy for you. The flip side of that thinking is 'what do you want to be/do?' How good is that!!!
As others have said, your fathers behaviour belongs to him. You do not have to stay at home for your mother's sake either - although it sounds as if you are good friends for each other. But leading by example is sometimes a great lesson as well. If you get on with your own life and thrive, that is a great message for others don't you think?
My husband is an alcoholic and despite everyone telling me that I can leave him and thrive on my own I still hesitate to believe that I won't mess my life up even more. It is rubbish thinking, but it is in my head none the less! It is a common effect of the disease of alcoholism. Apart from Alanon, which I recommend, meditation has helped me to think more rationally.
Someone reminded me recently that children are made up of two parents so you have your mum in you too. I think that if you were an alcoholic maybe by your age there would be signs already. I think your right to be thinkjng about saving yourself. Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. There is help for you and your mum but you have got to want it and you are powerless over both your mum and dad. Alanon will help you get a clearer perspective on the reality of the situation. You cant save anyone but yourself and your not responsible for either parent. If you dont make changes you could find yourself in this situation in another 10 yrs, nothing changed. The alanon website will show you where you can go to a meeting.
Your last sentence said it all. Your tired and when your tired of be tired is when you seek help for yourself. Maybe mom and son need to work together to seek the help of others...like in Al-anon. This fellowship has so much experience in what you and your family are going though...I mean like 60 + years so your not alone.
Keep coming back because there is 24/7 ESH that will greatly improve your situation....I promise
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks for all your input and advice. I am continuing to go to meetings(as soon as the flu goes away), but there have been developments the last few hours. My alcoholic father checked himself into a hospital for medical reasons Friday. I guess he was supposed to come home later Sunday, but I woke up this morning to see my mom with a funny look on her face. As I suspected, he walked out at 5:15; IV port still in him and all. My mom gave him the option of inpatient treatment, but he is adamantly against it. I knew that this hospital thing was just a way for him to get an excuse for the days of work he missed. Nobody believed me, but I'm right again. I would at least think I have some idea about this since I have a Master's in social work and have studied this stuff.
Now, I think my mom has finally snapped. I ppartly blame this on her, because every time something like this happens it's the silent treatment for a few days, the ice starts to thaw, and it's back to normal. There's no negative reinforcement or punishment involved/he learns that he can be a terrorist for a while, but eventually he'll be forgiven and all will be well.
How I can get my mom to finally take the needed steps? She says she's ready for divorce, and at this point there isn't anything worth saving. How can my brother and I push her to finally take care of herself? How do I stop myself from not killing him?
Hi P It is extrememly important to understand that no matter how much we know our understand the disease, we are sitll powerless over it..
Your mom also needs to recover from the devastating affects of this disease. Alanon meetings will be a great benefit to her as she will be given the understanding and support she needs to reclaim her life, serenity and courage.
Being powerless is....being powerless over people (including your mom), places and things. You can make suggestions as we do with others members in the program and which was done for us and then beyond the suggestion we are still powerless if they respond in a way we understand or not. The master's degree gives you a certain level of education and understanding and still...you are powerless. When I had a greater level of understanding and the problem still continued it almost drove me mad until I learned the skills of letting go....letting go and letting God...going to meetings and speaking with my sponsorship....that stuff which speaks to my powerlessness and need for help. The direction therefore is Al-Anon literature, meetings, phone numbers (MIP), sponsorship and HP. I am a former therapist with most work done in the recovery field of drugs and alcohol and I also had a counselor and sponsor and all of the other tools...which helped me to be a good therapist. We get to work what we suggest. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
It seemed so odd to me when I first heard someone say I can only take care of myself and by doing so others would then likely be in a better position to take care of themselves. To let go.. it just wasn't in my nature, still isn't in my natural nature.. but it works.
when I first heard of all this Let go and let God it was if someone was speaking from way down in a barrel, muffled and didn't really come in clearly.
You education probably won't change anything when it comes to your own feelings and your own life, granted it means a great deal professionally!!! and I am proud of/ for you!!! But now what are you going to do to make sure all that doesn't go to waste in your life.
I know I spent over 10 years of my life living on this merry go round of alcoholism. Now I see that I missed some great steps in my career, I can't imagine where I might be in my career and financially if I had made different decisions.
Please do whatever is best for you, don't abandon your Mom of course but make suggestions, offer assistance and THEN TAKE CARE OF YOU!!
Others in your life, your mom or your brother etc may very likely see the change in you and then want to change themselves, or maybe not maybe they would even try to stand in your way, humans hate change even if the change is for the good, but TAKE CARE OF YOU!
My sponsor would say "If nothing changes, nothing changes" YOU only have control of you, you can only change you, other efforts are negative for you and for those you may be trying to "help" ie control. YOU can only control yourself.
Take it day by day and let al anon help you see what next little step you might take to help yourself,, they add up quickly and remember progress not perfection...
I don't know how you should get your mom to finally take care of herself. I know I had the same problem with my mom, a wife of a non-alcoholic, but very narcissistic man. She wouldn't do it, even though I gave her lots of reason why. It sounds like she is going to the same meetings as you, so she is hearing the same things, but perhaps comprehending them differently.
In fact, we really are powerless over others. All we can do really is so state our peace, check in with them, and leave the rest to them and to our HP. But you have lots of power over you. Working our steps and having a sponsor will help you immensely in approaching all of this.
