The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, it has been five days since the accident now. I discovered that the insurance we had was not the "right" kind of insurance, and I have a $407 tow and storage bill for the car. The salvage yard offered $200 for it. At least it is off my hands. And, I fixed the ground in my truck, so now the taillights work and the blinkers work, even when the headlights are on. I consider that a major victory, especially considering the 7 degree outside temp I had during the repair.
My wife hasn't had a drink in that time, mostly because the doctors told her that she was killing herself with alcohol, and her liver was going to give out if she kept it up. Probably partly because she can't leave the house in her current condition, and I will not bring her anything. She keeps telling me that "it is different this time" and she "needs me to trust her". I tell her that she has to prove it to me, because we have been here before. Once with her second DUI, once when I asked my parents to help me move out and found I had no where to go if I was going to keep my dogs.
I tossed and turned most of the night thinking about our financial situation. She doesn't work right now, but I hope she is applying for a job. We have, in addition to the tow bill, some medical bills in an amount yet to be determined and whatever fines she ends up with. I am so tired of living check-to-check with nothing set aside for emergencies. Thus far, we have been relying on our parents to help us out when we get in a bind, but we are adults and need to start relying on ourselves. (Past time for that, if you ask me.) I took the time to consider that I was financially stable with a modest but respectable savings account before we met, and each year, my financial situation has gotten worse. My credit score has gotten worse, and I am more and more dependent on things staying as they are. I tried to discuss this with my wife this morning. I suggested that, instead of having one join account, we have the joint account for bills and we each have a separate account with budgeted spending money. She flipped out, said I was kicking her when she was down, and that it felt like I was leaving her, and it felt like I was trying to keep her under my thumb. That she is DONE with my "secret accounts" and my stashing of money away from her. I tried to explain that I am just trying to protect myself and our household financially, that we deal with money in different ways, and that my basic needs are not being met with the system we have used for the past eight years. I tried to explain that I tried it her way, and that it wasn't working for me, because I do not feel safe, and I do not feel secure. And, what would we have done if my parents had not been able to help us out at the drop of a hat last Friday? We had nothing in savings, and I only get paid on the first of the month. I would not have been able to pick her up from the hospital, take care of the totaled car, or even get to work. She wasn't hearing me, and she was just talking about how she felt and what she wanted and what she was willing to do. I finally lost my temper and said "This isn't about you. This is about me, what I need, and how I feel." She couldn't hear that, either, because she was too focused on how she was going to be controlled by me if she didn't have access to ALL of our joint financial resources. I am going to have to revisit this in couples therapy, should I ever be able to get her to go. The bottom line is, with the joint account, I always consult with her before I spend any money on anything. She just spends what she wants when she wants. And, I pointed out to her, this system is no longer going to fly. Not sure what to do next, but at least I broached the topic and can think about what I should do about it.
Still thankful that this group is here, and that I can come back when I need a bit of support, no matter what time of day or night it is.
-- Edited by Skorpi on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 06:00:30 PM
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
JADE: No need to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain doing the sensible, safe and right thing to an unstable, irrational alcoholic. Just do it and do it for you. Only an alcoholic will lecture you about how "done" they are with your behaviors and how bad you are making them feel after having been on a repeated course of testing you with outrageous behaviors such that most people would be "done" ten times over with them....and "wah...you make me feel bad about myself..." also as if they didn't dish that out and try to shred your self-esteem constantly. Avoid the traps, side step the disease, go to alanon and work your own program. And you are right to keep your expectations low. I would have virtually no expectation of recovery until I saw her going to daily meetings, calling her sponsor, and working the steps on her own without you intervening.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of February 2015 06:18:55 PM
We arent supposed to give advice here, but I do have one piece here - be very dispassionate about money. As you are experiencing, you can be ruined in a moment, and it sounds like the wife isnt buying into that notion.
I like that you are able to talk about yourself and your needs. You do need to listen to hers, but conversely, if she cant listen to yiurs, things arent going to get too far. My marrriage pre-recovery was a lot like that. We couldnt listen to each other, I was too intimidated to express my needs, it was all very dysfunctional.
I shouldnalso caution you thay you have no control over her, so hoping that you get her to couples counseling one day is an expectation thst may very well end in disappointment. I had to keep my expectations of my wife very low when she was active. Otherwise, resentment is the co-alcoholic's hangover.
Please do keep coming back, im glad you are feeling the support!
Wow, JADE, makes a lot of sense. I need to get better at not expecting a rational response, I think. And, I need to get better at not buying into her justifications and explanations about why my idea is a bad one. Your comment about shredding my self-esteem really hits home with me.
I cannot believe how helpful this group is for me. It is so nice to hear what other people who have gone through similar experiences have to say.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Glad your getting help here Skorpi. I agree with everyone. I had to begin to see the alcoholic as a sick person who cant be trusted while active in their disease. I had to protect myself, thats my first job and duty to myself. Alcoholics often need to reach a bottom that is very low for some and so the choice for us sober ones is whether we will reach that bottom with them or whether we get to make decisions for our own life. She will use every trick in the book to get you not to make changes. Changes threaten her current drinking mindset, its manipulation. Her reaction would be an indication to me that this is truly the right thing for you and in a way for her too. It threatens the disease and the ease of which she gets to drink and do exactly what she pleases whether it hurts others or not. Face to face meetings will get you the literature you need and the support network you need. Its too difficult and too much for most of us to live with alone.
Time to protect yourself both emotionally and financially. She is not going to be happy no matter what you do. Set up the separate accounts so that you have some peace in knowing that she will not go through everything you have. Right now she appears to be running the whole show with no accountability while you shoulder the whole load. Time to take care of yourself.
((Skorpi )) Thanks for sharing your concrens and feelings Alanon tools really do help in all these situaitons and trusting that HP will guide you though the the insanity helps as well.
