The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi,I feel like the only way I can maintain joy is to give up and just stay away from this person long enough to stop aching and start living. ten years of roller coaster with my adult daughter has been exhausting and as I hear from yet another affected person (they always end up calling me) expressing concern, from the other side of the country, I realize this could last a life time. My daughter was such a source of happiness and joy. I love her so much! It breaks my heart everytime she gets a few months of sobriety, and once again, relapses. it breaks my heart to know she may be one who doesn't make it. What is so hard about hope, is how painful it is, when they fall. but really, i guess the act of hoping does not take more energy then despairing. and who knows what lies in store. One day when she was in clear sobriety, I let her know, that I realized that I could not continue to bail her out of the results of her drinking, that I would not be there for her the next time. And I loved her and always would. I know she knows that. That is what comforts me now. As I learn she is gone off again. I love my daughter. She is so much more than this disease.
yes, they are all so much more than the disease. My wife reminds me of this every once in a while, now that she is sober, but when she was active, it was so hard to see that.
Have you been to an Al Anon meeting? I know so many moms and dads that have been helped by Al Anon. So many start off in despair like you, and are able to come back to life, including being able to experience hope without expectations. My meeting has a number of folks in this situation, and many of them are the most serene, peaceful people I know.
Keep coming back here, there are a lot of people in your same situation here. There is hope, especially hope for you.
I have been to Al anon. I have been so comforted there, and able to find some relief from my own obsessiveness.I will come back here. Don't quite understand how the online real time meetings work, but there are some face to face that I should get to. Darn it though. I want my life back. quite lost these days. mom died, lost two adult children back to this disease (both still alive but in the problem), and just separated from partner.
lost is probably a safe place for me right now...don't have any answers, just a strong desire to escape everything.
Thanks for getting back to me. I like to hear about hope. I know that might not be my daughter's case but also know that I can't control it. hurts. I am praying and knowing after seeing some of the other folks posts on this sight, that I certainly am not alone.
Yes.. she is so much more than her disease and worthy of her mother's love. There are all types of Alanon meetings out there and I know some have a particular emphasis on recovery for parents of alcoholics. People often say it's a different situation if it's your child, how do you let go, how do you detach? If you haven't already attending such meetings, maybe those might offer an extra bit of comfort and mutual support. Boundaries and detachment are likely two of the most difficult tools to put in place and keep. My heart goes out to you as you struggle to come to terms with this baffling disease. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Im sorry this disease has affected you and your family. Detaching with love is a kind and loving way to behave with an alcoholic. Its about trusting their journey and trusting that they have a higher power who wont give them more than they can handle. its hard for us to watch with our sober clarity but their journey is lived out anaesthetised, pain free a lot of the time.
The danger times for us to rush in and rescue is often when the person is sober and feeling guilty, miserable, feeling feelings they dont want to be feeling. Detaching with love is recognising that its the hard experiences the painful feelings that need to be experienced if they are to get sick of being sick. If we cushion them in any way, we could be stealing valuable lessons. All we can do i think, is curteous and respectful, telli g them we have faith they can help themselves by reaching out for help in the right places, aa.
Theres nothing we can do, any attempts we make to help usually have consequences for everyone. Mothers feel like they should be the ones to help but they are not. I suppose thats abother cunning part of the disease. The only ones that can help are others who have walked the same path, other alcoholics. The same goes for us, we get the help we need from others in the same situation as us. Alanon will offer you the help and support you need which in turn will help your daughter.
Being in the same situation, I can relate to your posting. Detachment with love is a life saver for me; prior to coming to alanon, I thought that detachment meant cutting off physically, mentally and emotionally, and I felt real guilt about it. But, the "with love" part saved me. I will always love my daughter, I can tell her that I love her, I can treat her with compassion, but I cannot save her or make her get better with wise, motherly words. She has to do it, while I just love her. I am in the process of decluttering, cleaning out drawers, desks, etc. I have checks dating back to when this started, 14 years ago. As I go through them, I see a lot of them made out to places that she owed money to, my bailing her out, thinking I was helping. Prior to this program, I would have been crying like a baby, pitying myself, berating myself for not doing more. Now I look at them and I think that while I did the best I could at the time, it was not was was good for her or me. It just keep the disease going. I was not helpful in any way shape or form. I loved her then, I love her now, but it is time for the focus to be put on me.
The day I went to my son's bail hearing and it was set at 500 dollars was the day I felt I could truly let go with love and kindness giving him back the consequences for his choices in life. After the hearing I went over to the jail and asked to see him. As we looked at each other between the glass he cried and asked me to please bail him out.....
Oh did I cry that day when I had to say " no my son "
I love him dearly and I see him about every three weeks in prison as he spends 2 years there learning what his drinking has done to him. Everything he has lost in life and maybe what he will do in the future. 2 years in prison has given me the relief to learn about me, my enabling and me trying to save him for 6 long years. Nothing ever worked and I'm grateful for where he is because I think he would be dead by now.
Take care of you and keep coming back because you are not alone
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
