The material presented
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I just tried to end my relationship with my ah who is 80 days sober and is a dry drunk. God help me I tried and then when he started flipping out I backed down and told him I don't want to live like this anymore and that every 10 days he picks a fight. How do u do this? Does it have to end so badly? How do you do it when they are breaking down and u think great here is his excuse for them to drink again. Why can't they stay in the self absorption and end it why do they have to take us down with them. If they want to feel bad about themselves why can't they go off and leave us alone.. How do I do this??
If this is what you really want, you hold your head up and say "Bye. Not my problem. You are a grown up." And then you keep on truckin'. He can't take you down unless you let it happen. Be assertive...Most of us come into alanon very codependent and it feels like we are horrible people for putting ourself first and ending bad relationships. Fact of the matter is all of us adults need to be able to function on our own, and if we cant, we don't have much business being in a relationship. We enter into relationships knowing they can and will end in some way. Learning how to break up with someone unhealthy for me was a huge skill. It's actually more empathic to cut a person loose than to stay with them out of guilt, fear, or pity. Lastly, as a sober alcoholic, I will tell you, if he drinks over breaking up, he will drink over something else. Alcoholics typically do not have mature relationships. They hold people hostage and it's really sad...and it is self absorbed because if he really loved you maturely, he would set you free when you asked.
I left my exAH at 30 days sober because I was finally done and it may not have been great timing for him or his Mom, but my life is about making me happy and healthier and that is when I timed out. In the 15 years there were worse days and worse moments that I could of left, but I did it when I was ready and when I knew it was time I would not back down to him finally. I had one false start, but it helped me plan it out better for the final run. If and when he chose to drink again it still was not my fault like all the years he drank before he met me or after I left. I did not cause his drinking, could not cure his drinking and I definitely couldn't control his drinking (3 C's) he couldn't even control his drinking. I was tired of our unhealthy cycles that only got worse with each year. I am cleaning up myself from the inside out of the dysfunctions of old and breathing the fresh air of life now. My face to face meetings, reading al-anon literature, my sponsor and MIP keep me heading towards a healthier and happier me. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I didn't have the experience of leaving someone who was 'dry' although when it got close to official divorce time, he was attempting to stay dry without a program and at that point although my old patterns of guilt were there I knew it would be a disaster if I turned around based on just that. I really like what pink chip wrote about adults being able to manage life on their own before being able to contribute meaningfully to a relationship. I think we have tried to make up the balance for some who are unable to do that.
You have a right to make decisions for your life regardless of what is happening with others.
I wasted too many times talking to my wife about her drinking when she was active, and it always became about what she said and felt, trying to negate any feelings I had on the matter. I finally got to the point where, if I couldn't say my peace, I would detach, because if she isn't going to listen to my feelings, it's just pearls before swine.
I can't really say it any better than Pinkchip did. I do know also that the slogan "Mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean" is really about what YOU have to say, and how YOU feel. You don't have to listen to anything afterwards about how he thinks you should feel, about how he feels, about how others think you should feel, about how he thinks others will think you should feel, about how others think he should fell, etc Only one person can tell how you fell, and that is YOU. So there is really no need to listen to anything else once you have said your peace, as Pinkchip said, just turn around and keep truckin'
