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OK so my daughter's father pays his court-ordered child support. To the exact cent, not a penny more or a penny less and that is IT. It's not much, it maybe pays for about 1/4 of her most essential and basic expenses, but it does help a bit. At the same time he has refused to EVER pay for anything beyond this court ordered weekly amount but feels he can call me and tell me what I SHOULD be buying for her and he demands that he should have a say, since he pays child support you know and I should be spending it on what HE SAYS. Uhuh. When she was young I tried for years to have him take partial custody even for just a few afternoons a week or even just on saturdays so I could work and make some money but he refused and through years of her being too sick to go to school I just stuck it out while he made his fortune and bought a house and multiple cars and a motorbike and holidays and paid for his new family and had a great time. So I'm sorry, I don't have resentment I don't think, because i got to enjoy my girls childhood while he pursued a lot of plastic garbage and a big bank balance. But I do think he's extremely rude when he tries to question my parenting or tell me how I should be spending "his money" (what he pays is about enough to order 2 large pizzas a week, to put it into perspective. Meanwhile he owns his own home, a lot of assets and goes overseas on holiday at least once a ear, should i go on....)
Anyway there is a lot of history, he did go through a stage recently where he was talkative and kind to me and I maybe got lulled into a false sense of security but the gloves have come back off and it's tiring and making me sad.
He has always done this thing where he excludes our daughter (to please his wife who really clashes with her) and then tells daughter it was my fault.
Example...about 4 years ago he asked if he could please, please spend a whole Christmas with our daughter, he had such nice things planned. said OK, I was feeling low on myself, I'm a boring single mum, she wil have more fun with him. So she came home and told me, Dad said I had to spend Christmas with him because you didn't want me there". OK, kids misinterpreting stuff that is said? It turns out, no, not at al, it has been a constant thing. No matter what, he tells her anything bad that appens is because "your mum said it had to be this way".
So heres an example.
A year ago, he decided to go on a trip to his country of origin and he was going to take our daughter. She was so freaking excited. Then his new wife decided she was going too and the kids and it would be a family affair. OK, no problem. I know his family in New Zealand, I know his wife, I knew it would be fine and safe and good and she would have a great time. So they needed a new passport for her and asked could I meet them to sign the papers. I said yes absolutely and we made a time to go to the passport office. Then on the day, they didn't turn up, they made excuses, and then she went for her fortnightly visit and they told her, it was too late, they couldnt get her a ticket anymore and it was because "her mum didn't want her to go". Even daughter knew it was a lie, she was so sad and hurt, they were even away for her birthday overseas with his 2 new kids and wife and not her.
Anyway. The theme repeats. he lets her down and tells her it was because 'your mum wouldn't let me". I know t is lies, daughter seems to instinctively know it is lies, so whatever.
So tonight, at 8:30pm on a friday night, I am on a bus with daughter and my phone rings. it is daughter's father. He announces he is going for a week to the same country in May. It s for a week during her school term, and he says he will book m daughter a ticket if i can organise and pay for a passport and show him proof it will be done BY FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING.
Firstly he has refused to contribute a single cent to her high school expenses. I already want to break his face. Why the hell would i pay for a passport so he can take her on holidays for a week? Secondly he called when everything was shut on friday and wants an answer before the passport office opens again on Monday. Er, is this supposed to be not obvious? Once again he is engineering a situation where he can say to daughter, "well I wanted to take you with me but your mum stopped me".
Daughter was sitting beside me. I didn't know why he was calling so I had him on speaker thinking he was calling to talk to her. So now she knows. I didn't know what to say, I just felt sick after the phone call. She didn't say much, she showed me some teddy bear pictures he had sent her earlier and said "I wasn't sure why he was sending me this stupid cutesy crap today but now I get it. I am sick of him he can &^$#$&&^&^&^&". Who am I to argue.
But she's been so quiet all night and then retreated to bed in silence, I was worried and went in and her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She's a closed book, she doesn't let me in much.
I hate him for hurting her over and over and over and for his stupid pretend bull^%^$ act that he and his family are all wonderful saints and his constant pretence that "I wish I could be a good dad sweetheart but your mum is crazy and she wont let me".
I know daughter sees through the act, but how does that help her, she feels so hurt and let down, its just games and nonsense and she constantly misses out while he treats his new family to everything, its just the same as how I grew up, will the cycle never end???????
My heart is very heavy tonight.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 13th of February 2015 12:33:32 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I was also sad when I read your post. She is lucky to have you. You may not have a lot of money and "things" but unconditional love is worth so much more than that. ((((Melly))))
I guess your only hope is that she stops wanting to see this man and spends all her time with you and sees him for what he is.
Being a single mum is the hardest job!
You always seem to be doing the right thing and altho I don't have any advice I have confidence your daughter will see this and you will be all she wants and needs x
Actually David, the first time i met his Ma and Da, Ma tried to talk to me while his Da was drunk and kept throwing peanuts down my cleavage and throwing his hands up and yelling "YESSSSSS!!! any time he scored. His Ma and Da are both very far advanced alcoholics and no help to anyone. I assume this trip to NZ is because one of them has experienced a serious health decline and will not be with us much longer, God rest he or she.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Aright, Mel... that figures... that kiwi dad with his thumbs in his braces, and mom with the flower on her pinny... I suppose I have tried to be like that, even tho. A. wears the braces sometimes... ... oh why do I hate those 'fun times' people thought they were having... yuck! ...
But here is the thing,
She's doing the whole teen spirit thing, she's mad at me, MUM, GRRRRR
I don't have a lot to come back with. I feel weak, kind of ashamed. She seems so embarrased of me, treats me like a piece of trash in front of her friends. But good LORD I'm not dead yet. I'm not some old lady in slippers, I'm still alive. Like today i met her after school and she was rude as hell to me when her friends were there and then when they left she was as sweet as pie, and wanted me to do her hair and makeup and take her somewhere. I guess it is going to be like this a lot, for a few years to come.
wow.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ah, welcome to the teenage years... but it is worth it in the long run, believe me... ... this is what parenting is... and as parents there is no harm in us supporting each other... ...
Melly, I don't know how old your girl is .. As sad as it is we do rigorous honesty .. The kids know what is what .. I don't go out to hurt them we do talk about positives of their dad. It's just not my job to participate in a fantasy that he tries to spin. Your girl is very lucky to have you. All I can do is be their soft place to come. The kids love their dad they don't like his behavior. It just is what it is .. Big hugs look at all the amazing positives that you bring your girl. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Theres not a lot we can do about who the fathers are. If we lay down the law and start a war, the children get hurt more and we are to blame. If we say anything bad but true about the father the kids dont like it one bit and stop talking to us. He is her father, the whole lot, its for her to decide if she goes or stays. All you can do is offer her reassurance that this is about his issues within himself and not her. She is old enough to decide when and if she wants to stop being a part of his games. Im no expert on this though.
As for her disrespectjng you in front of her friends, to me, that is unacceptable, she needs and wants to respect you. You can say quietly, do not speqk to me like that in front of your friends or they wont be comjng over here or meeting us etc again and stick to it, she is bright, you most likely will only have to do this once and she will get it, but she will test you on it, its not easy, they are good at amateur dramatics, the whole hate you, then poor me. Its your job to show her how to behave. If you allow this to go on, in my experience it progresses, you might be lucky and it wont but it did for me.x
I remember the rude teen years, remember shrugging off a lot of it but having a limit to my patience and she knew it. We tell people how to treat us, our kids included. I go into this quietly disappointed mom mode without meaning to when I felt pushed to far - scared her because I wasn't blowing up mad. Then I would sit and speak very controlled outlining what was on my mind. She always heard me when the quiet mom spoke! You don't have to hug and gush over me in front of your friends, but you don't get to treat me like s*** either or I will stop doing all those mom extras you like. I rarely cussed so using cuss words and the quiet voice really reached her.
Also thinking - is there Al- Ateen available there? I wonder if she would benefit from it?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I like that a lot like my heart. Low voices or quiet tones are powerful. I also go with saying it once then putting the consequence into place. I would take my sons internet cable to work with me and he knew that no internet was a consequence for not behqving himself. I would also take his playstation and leave it at my friends. He got the message. Much better than my previous, nagging and threats with very little action. He was ahappier boy when he knew i was in charge. I truly think they need that in their lifes.
It is sad the hear how he manipulates these situations. As far as the child support goes, it's been my experience that I need to cover my children's expenses without relying on their fathers. I realize it is a father's duty to help support his child, it is often beyond our control whether they pay or not, or how much. now that your daughter is in school, is it possible for you to work? I struggle with money, so I understand. I just don't rely on my ex and soon to be ex for money. I figure it's a bonus if I get any help at all. I was getting about the same amount of money you are for one daughter...so I get it. A job is a necessity for me....and it helps keep my mind of my problems.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 15th of February 2015 12:28:47 AM
Apparently I need more meetings .. Lol .. If a parent is responsible for support the state can get involved. I let them deal and he has his consequences with them. Not my problem .. He doesn't pay .. His problem. As far as how I spend the money I borrow from the Japanese culture my new favorite saying that's not his business. I have no issue by allowing my silence to speak volumes. My XAH believes he's taking the kids to Florida over the summer. Um. No. They haven't spent the night for over a year. His issue not mine plus they are talking about driving. My daughter looked at me and said mom I will physically hurt him if we have to go. I told her she's to young for prison Orange and he's just blowing smoke. Yes .. Manipulative is minor. As far as attitude .. Again say what you mean mean what you say don't say it mean. I allow my kids to get out the garbage and we are talking about appropriate ways to deal with their complicated feelings regarding their dad. They need an outlet and because I'm here I'm the safe acting out person. It's always addressed and sometimes we agree to disagree. I do have the final say like it or not. Everything is weighed and measured and if either of them have a point then we talk about it. I'm not perfect. I am here.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
... oh why do I hate those 'fun times' people thought they were having... yuck! ...
but it is worth it in the long run, believe me... 
...