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My ah is about 70 days sober and we have been getting along well which seems to be a cycle for us. I have noticed that their is a cycle where we get along, he gets more and more moody, then the verbal bash comes and then we have recovery and then good again. It seems to be a two to three week cycle. Example is tonight he comes in after taking daughter to tutor has flowers for me, groceries and then the complaining of his stomach hurts and he is tired then my daughter biological dad calls and my ah says "I need to teach her to not use the speaker because I hate his voice (so glad my daughter was talking and didn't hear him). I said I will teach her, he got made and said I didn't say you and then stormed upstairs. Wow! normally I would go suck up to him, and go up to him. To be honest I am tired of him being offended at everyday life. How can they be so sweet and terrible and switch so fast. What is the best way to handle their "mood swings"? will this get better the longer he stays sober? He is seeing a therapist once a week but sometimes he is just so negative..and other times so sweet can peace and contempt be with someone like this ever? We are suppose to go away as a family this weekend I guess I just realized I am still scared of his moodswings and try and fix things. Should I really teach my daughter or tell him to shove it ( like I want to). I'm noticing this week he has been really moody and I have been trying to fix or limit what he hears All week, am I enabling him? Is this a form of abuse? any insight would be great. He came downstairs and now he is in the sulking phase (he feels bad) do I just ignore it and forget this or what is the best thing to do? Is this why people leave even When they are sober?
-- Edited by Helpangel on Tuesday 10th of February 2015 08:23:05 PM
Hi, Helpangel. It is not unusual for an alcoholic in early recovery to be very moody. But yes, it does count as abuse, depending on how rough it is.
As you know, you can't change it. He probably has a long way to go if he is going to get past it, but the only way is forward.
The best way we can handle it is to use the tools of Al-Anon, such as cultivating our own serenity, QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally), Don't React, and others.
That said, it is very hard for children to be around this kind of thing. They don't have the maturity to use the tools as we do, even if they have access to them. In addition they learn that this is the way that intimate partners behave - they may repeat the patterns when they grow up and choose someone who belittles them, expresses rage, has violent mood swings, etc. So if this is a longterm thing, you may want to think about how much you want your child to be exposed to it.
If your A shows some awareness of the problem with the anger and mood swings, that's a good sign, even if he can't control them yet. If he's defensive and dismissive, you may want to think about how much longer you'll give him to start behaving the way a loving partner behaves more of the time. Some people separate and get back together when they're healthier. Of course some people separate and don't get back together. And some recovering A's do their level best to grow. You'll know better than anyone which is the best scenario for you.
Thank you Mattie! I guess that is the hard part if he wasn't aware and wasn't trying I would and did tell him to leave. He is trying and is aware and that is why I am having a hard time knowing what to do. There is a line and I am just not sure where it is or how much I should allow to happen in front of my daughter. I am very protective of her and I want to do whatever is best but I am not sure what that is. I just finished a five year battle with my exhusband in which I got sole custody because of his behavior. Not sure if I jumped out of the frying pan and ran into a fire with a recovering alcoholic.because of my exhusband behavior toward my daughter she is very close to my ah. I didn't realize he was a alcoholic when I married him... I thought he was a hero coming in and helping a single mom... I know stupid.. But I was so low and manipulated by my 1st husband anything looked good hence mistake number 2! however he is really trying so because my daughter is very close to my ah I am hesitate to rock the boat again.
-- Edited by Helpangel on Tuesday 10th of February 2015 08:41:36 PM
Helpangel, take it a day at a time. Go to alanon meetings, get an alanon sponsor...you will find more answers there. Mattie gave you an excellent response that this is not unusual behavior for someone in early sobriety. Regardless, the best suggestion I could make is to step up you alanon program to help deal with this. It is super challenging to be with an active drunk and equally if not more challenging in some ways to be with one in early sobriety.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 10th of February 2015 08:38:24 PM
When this type of alcoholic behavior went on in my relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife I devoted more time to my program because the situation was teaching me that I needed to know more, learn more and respond better than just reacting to it. I learned that the program was "the" solution for me and not only with the alcoholic/addict...it helped me in all aspects of my life. I read your post and I see how the alcoholic personality is so manipulative on the enabler. I once heard the statement that where ever the alcoholic goes they create a vacuum behind them like a tornado that sucks everyone and all kinds of stuff into it. Factual manipulation or habitual manipulation is what I kept in mind so that just before it would start I knew what was coming and "didn't react". For now expect a dry drunk and it won't surprise you when one shows up and throw you way off. Learn from your fellowship and sponsor what they do and did under the condition just as you are here at MIP. (((((hugs)))))
This seems to me to be the typical behaviour that comes with the disease. You describe my old life so well in your post. Before i got to alanon i would do something similar as you, maybe worse, i would tip toe round, sooth him, baby him, mother him, try really hard to be a good wife and mother. I think somewhere in my mind i blamed myself and the kids. We werent enough to keep him sober or keep him happy. I knew he wanted to drink, he was dry for 6 yrs and i was so grateful that he didnt i would ditch any self respect and practically pander to every need i perceived he had.
In alanon, i learned that my ex ah had a disease and i didnt cause it, couldnt control it or cure it. I learned its a thinking disease. His thi king was disturbed and distorted. It was always bigger than me. More importantly i learned that my thinking had become distroted and disturbed through living with alcoholism. My thinking became extremeley negative and fearful. I was full of resenment and anger. Im getting better. Ive been a member of alanon for almost 3 years and ive changed my life and my thinking a whole lot. im still working through it but i couldnt do it alone. Keep coming back.x
Good morning everyone! Thank you for the responses. I am definetly getting better at responding. Last night we both went our separate ways in the house. He knew what he did was wrong and this morning he left me a note saying he was so sorry and that he is aware that his rant is wrong and that he wishes he wouldn't do that. Normally, last night would have been really bad and i would have felt it was my fault and not slept trying to fix it. I know it is the disease and very aware of the cycles last night I blurred out I would fix it when I knew that I wasn't going to because he was the one with the problem. I am worried about what this can do to my daughter. I ask her all the time if she is happy, is there anything with her step dad that scares her or worries her and that she can talk to me about anything. I am wondering what is the line since he is trying...I believe I am slowly figuring it out. I hope.. I think I am going to put in a contract a couple of things and see if that helps. Does it??
Im glad you had a better night last night. Children are definately affected by alcoholism. They might not be able to express it but my 3 kids have their own issues and i know its to do with alcoholism and the fact that both parents were not rational most of the time. Im not sure what your question is.
It's so uncanny you just told my story. For me it has been a few years now that he has been dry and behaves like this mind you he has other issues also but his thinking is in fact insane sometimes. I am so emotionally beat up that I have just made a plan of how I am able to live financially with my children without him in the house. Neither one of us is healing and I'm no expert but he's been in therapy now for more than 6 months this time and he's still as miserable as ever so I don't think he will get better being here with us. He doesn't want to go to AA and doesn't change his thinking or behaviors and believes it's OK to treat me the way he does most of the time, there are times he realizes it's not but not often. Right now we are living like roommates who share children it's sad. Keep taking care of you and your daughter he is the only one who can take care of himself.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
I don't know what a relationship contract is, but I would have doubts that an A would have enough self-awareness and self-control to abide by any agreement. Is your therapist thoroughly familiar with alcoholism? In my experience, lots of therapists say they know about alcoholism, but unless they've had real experience of alcoholics, they have very unrealistic expectations. Been There Done That. Another thing about a relationship contract would be what happens if your A doesn't live up to the terms of the contract. Consequences are something we have to be ready and able to do (for instance "if you drink around the children we will move out" - you have to be ready to move out). Because they can and will test our willingness, and if we don't follow through on what we said, they'll figure they're free to do anything without consequence.
As I say, I don't know your exact situation, just that those are some things to think about.
A contract is a therapeutic tool assuming the person has the maturity and reason to stick to the contract. Not saying it will not be useful, but I am really not in favor of that. Usually, contracts are used in therapy as like "a behavior contract" and it is for children and unruly teenagers. It sounds demeaning to me but maybe that's just because of the places I've seen where contracts have been used.
To me, it sounds like your A is in recovery for now, he is trying as you say....He at least is apologizing when he knows he did wrong. That is pretty good progress for 70 days. Not telling you to stick with him or to leave him, but I am just cautioning against trying to rush his recovery beyond the pace it is going to go. I would take all that energy and concern about the relationship, and throw it into your alanon program.
The common advise i have heard, was do not try to work on the Relationship till both of you are healthy enough. In Another Words work on yourself and let him work on himself. You Can not fix him only yourself.
He needs to fix himself Hopefully with the help of AA,Other addicts helping Each other.
Use boundaries, consequences and detachment. All very Tough with someone acting like a angry teenager. Also I find i am not sane or rational where my ah is concerned. Generally my hurt button pops on and i react. Not good!
My dry ah started attending AA and our marriage was in Trouble the ideal situation was he live on his own go to AA and work on his issues with the help of a male sponsor. I go to alanon and do the same with a female sponsor.
Then when we both are heathy we work on the marriage,
it did not play out that way.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Thursday 12th of February 2015 09:05:10 AM
