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I only joined here the other day for advice on my other half but as I type this I am in absolute tears.
Growing up I always knew my mother was different, she would always make everything be about her, every time she fell out with her sis and brother it was always their fault never hers, as that transpired she actually falsely accused my uncle , her sisters husband of molesting her. This was proven to be false as she was drunk at the time. She never apologised and as a result lost her brother, sister, and four nephews. I always remained in contact with them and now it's making sense why I did.
Before getting with my partner I didn't know anything about addiction and very naively thought once fixed you were fixed like magic. Obviously I know now that is not the case.
-rewind ten years and my younger sister is addicted to cocaine, gets herself into tens of thousands of pounds of debt and out parents pay it off for her so mother can protect her precious reputation, even when sisters boss came to mother saying she had stolen money and he was reporting her mother begged him not to saying I taught your son please think of the detrimental effect it will have on me and my job....me me me me. Never facing up to the fact jo was drinking and taking drugs and also sleeping with dealers to pay off debts.
i at the time tried to intervene but was pregnant and organising my wedding with jo as bridesmaid so didn't want her to go anywhere. She kept mysteriously leaving jobs to start elsewhere but she was getting sacked for stealing out the till.
No one except me knew it was willing to admit she had a problem so I was the big bad one and therefore dropped it,
fast fwd ten years her two kids and fiancé later, joint business with my alcoholic(not admitted this) mother which worryingly is a childminding business. She offers a client her body instead of paying for the care, however gets caught not only with this man but also her fiances uncle which he has forgiven her for anyway she's now going out in the very small town telling people god knows what and is now receiving hate hand written letters to her door.
I don't have anything to do with the family as I was ostracised a long time ago for getting a divorce and dating to bring up sis coke use. My friend who jo has confided me in told me of all these goings on and instead of feeling smug and karma finally got her etc all I feel is pity for them. She's going down the same route mother has chosen and I'm worried she's going to lose absolutely everything and everyone.
having spoken to my partner who obviously understands all of this and understandably wants us to keep out distance says there isn't anything I can do because she won't admit she has a problem but everytime I think of her wee face getting another one of these letters I'm heartbroken.
Lola you can only help yourself. Go to alanon meetings and listen
And learn the wisdom. I too come from a dysfunctional family and
I can not fix them only they can fix themselves with the help of
Their own HP. So much destruction comes from alcoholism it harms
Everything it comes in contact with. Learn as much as you can about
The disease and your powerlessness over it. Alanon is a great place
To start your healing journey for yourself with the help of your HP.
Yeah I'm getting this. I think it's just more of the shock how these revelations made me feel. They were so horrible to me and bullied me yet I feel sympathy and put for especially my sister.
Never thought that would happen after all these years. We are staying well away that's for sure. Have had no contact since aug last year and thTs the way it will stay, cAnt get partner involved in this when he has his own issues to deal with.
Making me despise alcohol.
Lola i kept my family dysfunction out of my life as best
As i could for years. It still did not matter in the end my
Ah is dry but still an alcoholic. His family has their dysfunctions
From alcoholism also.
We can only get healthy for ourselves in spite of all the
Dysfunction around us. We can not change them only
Ourselves that where powerlessness comes in.
This is a long hard journey to emotional and spiritual
Health. I am still grieving and healing daily, I also face
my emotions, feelings and truths and Process them
With the help of God and alanon.
I'm so sorry that your sister is making these choices. That is what they are is choices. She could choose to be paid one way, but chooses another way. If she suffers no consequences to those choices, she will continue to act that way.
Can you change her? My experience is that letting them feel the consequences of their actions is the only thing that will change an adult. Telling them they are wrong, showing them they are wrong, lecturing, nagging, making one quick telephone call, rarely changes them. That's because they have freedom of choice, In letting them have their consequences we are giving them that freedom.
Isn't it strange how a family can ostracize you for telling the truth? I know that hurts. In my experience it is telling how much dysfunction is in a family, how much they vilify the truth. My family vilified the truth for a while, which really was just a form of enabling of the alcoholic dysfunction that was going on. Once we decided to recover we decided that honesty is the best policy, and truth is now loved. If my extended family can't handle that truth, then we detach from them.
I hope you can get to meetings, those are good places, a topic often discussed at F2F meetings is "unacceptable behavior" and it comes in all forms, and we deal with it in different ways. Most of those ways come down to how do we stop dealing with unacceptable behavior, even when it comes from loved ones.
It needs to stay out my life it needs to stay out ap life too so as to aid his recovery altho sober 12years he still has episodes but he is very good to talk to about this. In a weird way it's bringing us closer as he's sharing more with me, I didn't know him
When he was drinking.
I know it's choices, she's choosing to drink. Just worried she's going to get herself raped or murdered especially if she is receiving hate mail and god love my two nieces.
Yeah ostracised for telling the truth was hard but they said I was just bitter and jealous and hated it when I found my happiness.
I've never relied on anyone for anything, when I was a sine parent I worked ft, looked after my son, ran a house, had a social life and they looked down on me for it. Guess because I didn't ask them for anything!
I am understanding that it's all about self obsession and fact mother as more concerned about this than helping her daughter speaks volumes. She's also covering up these letters altho doesn't know the content of them.
What kind if mother tells her daughter to keep secrets from their partner?!
He god love him thinks it's him with the issues and has been going for counselling due to his "trust" issues.
It's a big mess and I will be staying away and going to al anon.
The support on here is immense and my partner knows I'm here and welcomes it.
Even he says I am a people pleaser and peace keeper but I have been affected by alcoholism even before himxx
Sounds like lots of family dysfunction. I have it in spades on my
Side and also on my ah side. My side my A father abandoned us
and my mother Is highly dysfunctional. My Ah side his mother
states she was not Affected by Alcoholism, her father was an A,
she married at 16 to get of the house but it did not affect her
one bit. She has Two sons that are A's but denies my ah is one
because he is dry.
And on and on the cycle goes it is depressing its called lies and
Denies. I try to let it all go but with the divorce ongoing and my
Mother in law enabling,codependent, enmeshed with my ah it
Is tough one. One day i will hand it all over to God!
Hang in there and get yourself healthy for yourself!
Yeah it's def dysfunctional but I managed to see that after three years of trying to fix it.
Now I concentrate on us. As I said in previous post 1%of the time every few months with partner can be challenging but im learning to deal with this I think.
Family issues well my friend told me in best interests she never meant any harm, I won't get involved again but everytime I think of sis and her wee face when that letter hits the doormat, I ache and I didn't think I was possible
Of that with the family anymore.
I am def a people pleaser so to leave is difficult but I did try before and lost so I learnt the hard way.
Thank you for all your continued support x
Are you scottish to be loved? A bit off topic. My suggestion would be to go to an alanon meeting. If your mother is an alcoholic then you and your sister havebeen affected. you cant force her to get help but you can get some help for yourself.
El-Cree, I am indeed. There was one last night but couldn't get a sitter so I'm going to one on sat afternoon.
She is yes but in denial and my poor dad has always covered her tracks.
I think I'm ok. I just feel so sorry for my sister and even tho her choice what she must be going thro x
Yes, thats the one. I was there at the weekend, its a good meeting, big mix of people. You will get a lovely welcome. If you find alanon is for you, we will most likely meet. Its a bit exciting.x
"having spoken to my partner who obviously understands all of this and understandably wants us to keep out distance says there isn't anything I can do because she won't admit she has a problem but everytime I think of her wee face getting another one of these letters I'm heartbroken" I believe that is the answer to your question however I know about listening and not hearing. I followed thru on the suggestions given here by others about getting into Al-Anon and the result was I got my sanity and life back.
Please go and please...when you meet El Cee...giver her a big Hawaiian hug for me. Its kinda sorta like a Scottish wee hug only much much bigger. Ken?
I ken aye!
Yeah I know. I'm def going to go and hopefully will meet el cee!
We are practically neighbours . I'll up
My running to 16 miles ha!
Addiction is horrible and to think I was so ignorant to it! X
And an elcee hug for me and vice versa! Glad you guys may be able to connect. Sounds like a lot of drama Lola. The more time you get in Alanon, the better you might get at detaching and bowing out to preserve your sanity and serenity.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 10th of February 2015 08:43:41 PM
