The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading speaks to the roles we may have played as people affected by alcoholism. Caretaker, fixer, nurturer, guard?
I grew up in a large family--I am the youngest of six children. Besides being the baby, there were enough years between my siblings and me (the surprise at the end of the line!) that I grew up feeling I had several sets of parents. The role of caretaker went to my oldest brother and sister, but the adjective 'ever-vigilant' stopped me in my tracks! Oh boy that was me. At the same time that I was raised with love, unconditional love from a lot of warm Italians, I also was on my guard at all times. I felt, often, even as a little one, that I was 'waiting for the other show to drop'. It's strange to me now, thinking of a little girl who on the outside would have no reason for that type of vigilance! An irony that developed later in my life is that as an adult I attempted to wait out many situations that were very clearly--the shoes dropping! I am thinking of the old nursery rhyme 'the sky is falling the sky is falling!' and thinking 'the shoes are dropping! the shoes are dropping!' As I have gotten older and especially since coming to the program I can see that yes, sometimes the sky is raining shoes but things can be dealt with, one situation and one day at a time. Learning that I can only control myself and the best thing I can do is care for myself has been so freeing.
I am learning that there is a difference between being loving, a nurturer, and losing oneself in someone else--whether it is a parent, sibling, husband, wife, friend or child. I remind myself that I have a life to live that my HP intended for me....what will it be?
Well--yesterday the sky in CT gave us snow, not shoes....but I will be clearing some of that now as I get ready for the day. Hope you all have a great Tuesday!
My role that I adopted is "fixer". Except these days I'm trying really hard to be aware of my motives. I currently have a reminder in front of me, Let Go, Let God, it's written in black magic marker!
Hi Mary~What a great share! The only way I knew how to have a relationship was to be enmeshed and codependent. OMG what a painful way to live a life. I learned this in childhood and continued it with platonic friends as well as two marriages. It is only through program that I have learned the freedom to be me, and I am so much happier. My A still does alot of secret stuff and I am not in pain over it. My A does not know how to have a healthy relationship as I am learning to do. All I can focus on is getting myself healthy and making better plans for my future. Safe day to all who are coping with snow, Lyne
Thank you for sharing this, i got a lot out of what you said. I often find myself holding my breath for the next crisis to hit, never happy in the peace just waiting. I try to think of one day at a time. I only need to keep myself in this day, i look around and just for today everybody is healthy, no big dramas and i just need to keep myself in this day. Its freeing. If i forget then thats me back in the past feeling the horrid feelings or way into the future feeling the horrid feelings yet to come. I can give myself permission to be where my body is and be happy with what i have right now.
Great shares ;) I was the youngest... So I was the mascot or fixer. My brother and sister was much older and just visited. The family was pretty enmeshed. If there was tension, I remember it was my job to be a clown and make everyone happy again. I had this radar going where I was constantly feeling out the vibrations of others and looking for tension. Somewhere along the way I got so focused on others and fixing that I forgot who I was. Ever vigilant those two words resonated with me. Thank god for Alanon and learning how to take care of self. It's still such ongoing process replacing old outdated behaviors and responses. It gets easier every year and life is satisfying and comfortable most of the time now. Not all the drama or dancing around others ;) Thankyou for letting me share
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 10th of February 2015 06:27:20 PM
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 10th of February 2015 06:27:51 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
