The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son (29) pings me periodically, like tonight, usually via a text or a very brief call - sometimes it's just to say "Hi", but most times it's to allude to some type of impending problem ("stuff I can't talk about with you, or anyone else in our family") - I finally found the strength to stop subsidizing \ enabling him, financially, about 6 months ago, and so far he hasn't asked for money or described his problem such that I'll jump in with money to fix things - shame on me for 11 years of enabling him - I never fixed one single thing.
Aside from giving thanks for a lot of good things in my life, I only ask God to show my son a better path, and that God give him the courage to get on that better path - that's all I ever ask for - I don't even pretend to know what that better path might look like - I'm trying to to have faith that God will take care of him - I certainly haven't been able to take care of him.
He's suffering from a disease that drives and controls almost every aspect of his life - I accept that 100%, and I guess that these alcoholics \ addicts simply can't discuss things objectively and factually - and I know that me trying to be reasonable and discuss something with him rationally and factually is doomed to failure - but dammit, he's my son and I wish with all my heart and soul that it'd work - but I know it won't - I am thankful that tonight I didn't try and force the situation and take one more chance and disappoint myself once again.
There's always hope TY. I didn't get sober til I was 36. Just keep trying to do right by you and by your HP and that is all you can do. I feel horrible for parents going through this with their kids. No easy answers. What I hope is that you are able to get joy and satisfaction out of life even though your son may be stumbling and having to learn through some degree of suffering and pain.
Thanks, pinkchip - you are right, there is always hope - and I've been working "hope" for all I'm worth - but while I'm not participating directly or indirectly any more in my son's train wreck of a life, as his Father, I just can't completely disengage - I wanna know how he is - it's that "hope" thing working on me - I just don't have it in me to say something like "I don't wanna hear from ya until you've turned things around" - I've stopped enabling him - for me, THAT was a huge step - the right thing to do - but watching the same kinda stuff happen over and over in his life is wearing me down - like carrying a backpack that just keeps getting heavier, somehow - I do find strength from not enabling him financially any more - I know that I did the right thing for him, and for me, but when does it get easier?
I don't enable, I don't create problems to bring him to sobriety, I don't beg, plead, or threaten - I think I'm doing what I need to be doing - I'm going to SO many meetings and praying constantly - what am I doing wrong? Why isn't it getting easier? Why is he still in my mind (almost) all the time? How do I turn THAT off ?
-- Edited by texas yankee on Sunday 8th of February 2015 10:49:33 PM
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Letting go is painful as hell and you are feeling it without leaping in and rescuing to ease your own anxiety. That IS being better even though it feels crappy. I asked the same question of my sponsor many times in the first couple years of recovery especially. I hated hearing "you are right where you are supposed to be" each time I asked why I wasnt better. I had painful stuff to work through and I was just feeling it. Have faith. You are DOING the right things. Feeling better will come. It will be on your HP's time though.
TY Acceptance is the key!!! I do so understand your desire to "fix it" say the "right thing "and "change things. You are a mom and that i understandable Glad that you are using your tools and taking care of yourself. I have found that prayers for courage, and wisdom never go unanswered.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your family.
TY keep coming back and for me it isn't about getting easier it is about not getting into it as often. We had an event this afternoon. My wife went to lunch with our daughter-in-law who is involuntarily separated from my eldest alcoholic/addict son. He is almost 50 going on 16 again. Of course she brought their conversations back home and I attempt to practice that part of the closing of our meeting that says, "....let there be no gossip or criticism about one another". I can get that idea and have to work at the practice. MYOB...mind my own business comes up easily and then I fumble with it for a while as it gets out of reach and then comes back and finally after a few knowing comments I let it rest to the side. Before bed I'll probably have it stashed good and then that will be after conversation with my Higher Power. Alcoholism is such a mind and mood altering disease. I'm glad recovery is about progress not perfection. I am powerless and I need to practice powerlessness...practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))
Of course it is very troubling and painful. It is a puzzle how we can have things that are troubling and painful in our lives, and yet be okay and have serenity. Yet without being dismissive about the pain of having a loved one with alcoholism, I think in a way we're all in that situation - some things are troubling and painful, and yet we need to find a way to find contentment and the joy of life as well.
I wonder if your situation is a "thought problem" as mine was - for so long I couldn't keep myself from dwelling on my A and the disaster his life had become. I had long conversations in my mind in which I explained things eloquently, and yet in my mind (as in real life) he never listened and it never made any difference.
Part of the problem is that we can't do their lives for them, of course. I think part of it is also our own addiction and attachment to turmoil. I remember the saying 'Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else." I believe that comes from Harriet Lerner. What was I underfocusing on? So many things. I had an idea that if only my A would get sober, my life would be "solved." My A is pretty much out of my life right now - he was my husband so I could leave him to his own devices in a way that is different from a parent and a child. But anyway, lo and behold, my life still has a lot of issues that I was avoiding thinking of by being so absorbed in my A's situation. And it's even hard to get used to the idea that things are okay and I really don't have to spend my life being on high alert. I am totally not used to that.
I remember Jerry F quoting that "Serenity is when your mind and your body are in the same place at the same time." When we're worrying about our A's, our minds are elsewhere. It's a daily discipline to get my mind back on the here and now in front of me. It's scary, even. But also so rewarding when I can do it.
TY, I have to say that once I accepted the fact that alcoholism is a disease, by working the Al-Anon steps.......
(and that the only way an alcoholic will stop drinking is if they admit they have a disease and seek help on their own) ....
it became much easier to love the alcoholic and and myself. I no longer struggle, I just accept and place the present
and future in the hands of my HP. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I hope that you will/can find that same peace and serenity.
Thank you TY for sharing.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks, all - I am still reading through your ESH - I got another call from my son this afternoon, telling me that he was probably going to be homeless again, while he was in between living situations - that he "got screwed" where he was (no details, of course), and that he was moving into a place where an HOA had to approve his application - background checks, probably a credit check, and he has a large dog - all of which could be problems, but I'm proud of myself for not trying to solve those problems for him - he also told me that he is trying to arrange for temporary accommodations with friends - I also didn't try and solve that problem for him - LOL, I am glad that he didn't ask.
