The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading today is about focussing on others... I took on some of my parent's needs. My mum was far more capable than my dad, so it was dad's role I took on most... our "bathroom" was out in the horse paddock... and one night it blew over... my mum had to install a facility in a shed near to the house... about once a week she had to lug the contents out and bury them... I fell to helping her, and maybe took over the role...
...I think, at the edge of my thinking was where was my dad in all of this... in fact i ask myself: 'where was he?' Why didn't he take a turn, at the very least...?
So helping others, and taking a parental role myself, was a part of my training, my upbringing...
...fast forward to adulthood... I found myself falling over people to help them, or trying to... wasn't appreciated, in many cases...
...I would always get anxious when certain things weren't done; or weren't done right...
...over time I have learned to care for me... and for my immediate family... I had a whole heap of will, and energy for this... something I could turn to advantage... ...
Thanks David for your thoughts on this reading . I took on the role of helping others because i found it an easy way for me to look good, get what I wanted by manipulating a situation and it kept the focus off of me.
In alanon I learned a healthy way to interact with others and how to offer help and compassion while still taking care of myself and sharing my intimate thoughts .
Mahalo for the memories David...the enabling story which at one time revisited me with a lot of pain which came with enabling and the judging and critiquing which came along with it from those who did not or would not wear my shoes. I spoke this morning at the meeting about our kuleana to give away what we have been so blessed by being here and the kuleana doesn't include hanging around waiting for payment or applause. (((hugs)))
Thank you David....I was thinking today about a conversation I had with a friend who just left her 2 year relationship w an A bf. She was astounded that he was focused on the moment she left and I was saying in my experience As would find things to focus on (or their disease would) so they wouldn't have to stare at the big ticket item.. I am thinking now it is the same for me in terms of focusing on others--sometimes there's the positive only wanting to help nurturer and sometimes it's me focusing on others so I won't HAVE to focus on myself.
Thank you David from me as well. I use to mistaken empathy and compassion from the heart with the enabling helpful part of my personality, you know the "keep the peace" mindset that comes from living with an A. Now I am learning how to find myself and I like that alot. Al-Anon lessons have helped me find the real compassionate me and to lose the person who was continually hurt by the verbal abuse, now I know the difference between the enabling Debbie and the real Debbie!! Hope I made sense!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thankyou David ;) I understood well when you said helping others and trying to fix them and all my efforts being unappreciated. Good share . I didn't even know what I liked and disliked coming into the program. Alanon helped me figure out who I was, what my wants and needs are. I realized the other morning upon waking, that I want a lot of attention and nurturing in my love relationship. Luckily my significant other is wonderful at loving and nurturing. I'm thinking we are a perfect fit.. Lmao I wouldn't have told you that four n a half years ago. I'm still learning how to keep the focus on me and taking a healthy interest in others.. Being present. I have also learned I need to stay more active... Exercise.. Meetings... Online recovery. Thank you for letting me share. Thank you again David and everyone else who shared.
-- Edited by karma13 on Monday 9th of February 2015 02:46:12 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
The reading today is about focussing on others... I took on some of my parent's needs. My mum was far more capable than my dad, so it was dad's role I took on most... our "bathroom" was out in the horse paddock... and one night it blew over... my mum had to install a facility in a shed near to the house... about once a week she had to lug the contents out and bury them... I fell to helping her, and maybe took over the role...