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I'm posting here instead of engaging with my active AH right now. He had been doing this 30 day no alcohol thing to prove that he didn't have a problem to me. Well tonight was day 27 and he went out to the bar. People on here had warned me that when As go back to drinking it is usually worse than before. I can say that is 100% true. He is belligerent and fell down the stairs. Haven't seen him like this in years. I video taped him so that I have it to show him when he tries to minimize the problem in the morning.
I'm so disappointed and trying to make this marriage work but tonight just felt like we took huge steps backwards. I don't even know what to say to him tomorrow morning.
Thanks for reading. I figure venting here is best for me right now.
I'm so sorry this is happening. It is very painful.
I don't know if you know the Three C's - you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. I imagine every single one of us on here have tried to make the destructive nature of drinking clear to our A's. The truth is that if they were capable of seeing it, they would have seen it long ago. Because it's obvious to anyone whose mind isn't messed up by denial or the insanity of drinking. In my experience, they get belligerent and dismissive when we try to confront them with the chaos their drinking has caused. Because the addiction will do anything to protect itself.
There's the Al-Anon saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?" Do you have a meeting? Maybe a sponsor? Nobody should have to live through this without support.
What I wish someone had asked me early in this journey is, "If he never stops drinking, what decisions would you make?" Because the truth is that the majority of them will never achieve longterm sobriety. Meetings and support should have been one of my first decisions, but when I finally got there, it was a life-saver.
Sounds horrible...Also sounds like you are caught on this merry go round. I don't think you need to "prove" anything to him. Sad as it is, he not going to respond to the video tape or any arguments until he is ready. I have learned that only alcoholics have to repeatedly do things to "prove" they are not alcoholics. Only alcoholics get stumbling drunk (except the rare occasion that normal drinkers accidentally drink too much). So he's an alcoholic that doesn't want to believe he is an alcoholic. Period. Sounds like you are wasting energy and focus trying to get him to accept something he doesn't want to and is not ready to accept. Have you tried alanon? It just might be your lifeline. My main point here is similar to Mattie's....he is going to drink or not...this will progress or not...He will go through all the denial and delusions that alcoholics go through until he's ready for recovery (if that ever happens)...There is nothing you can do to change it. What will you do with your life and your choices?
Hello flagabebe, I am so sorry if you have experienced this painful turn of events. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal, chronic disease that can be arrested and never cured. We who live with the disease develop many negative characteristics because of trying to cope in the insanity and also require a program of recovery.
We are powerless over alcoholism and the problem drinker, we do have a great deal of power over how we respond to it. Al-Anon offered be tools and the support I needed in order to regain my sanity, self-worth and ability to act and not react in my own best interest.
You asked what to say to live in the morning , and I would say I'm heading out to an Al-Anon meeting because I need help.living in this insanity and then I would go.
Please keep coming back here there is hope and help
So pleased that you brought your energy here Flagababe!
I'm sorry your husband drank before the thirty days were up but perhaps it is better than him drinking on day 31. He will probably notice! I felt much better about things once I stopped pointing out my husband's mistakes.
A's do what A's do, but what are you gonna do? It is great you are making the changes you can to work on your al-anon recovery. Keep up the good work, recovery looks good on you! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Im sorry your going through this. Its like being in a nightmare, going round and round in circles. Its too much for us to cope with alone. Your only one person. There is nothing you can do for your husband or say to him that will make him stop drinking but you can help yourself. Alanon is for the partners, children, parents of alcoholics and you will get the help you need at face to face meetings. You will find your nearest meeting at the alanon website.
I used to search for bottles, would take pictures of them to show wife how much of a 750 ml bottle she had downed the night before. Also would take a sharpie and put a line on them at the liquid level. I ended up not showing any of them to her. Still have them on my phone, someday when I really let go I will get rid of them I guess. I found that the morning after, for her anyway, was about the worst time to ever talk about it, other than to say it happened. It was full of denial, rationalization and yelling on her part, and she wasn't going to listen or look at a damn thing I showed said to her.
The only thing that convinced her she needed recovery was to spend time in jail. This becomes the importance of letting them feel the consequences of their actions. They are adults, even thought it may not seem like it, and they make their own choices. his right now is not to get into recovery, so if he falls down the stairs, he gets some consequences.
Once my wife finally gave up the struggle, was convinced she wouldn't see her son again for a long time, she was ready. When she went to inpatient and said "I'll do whatever you want me to do, whatever it takes", she lost ego and just did AA. And it worked, she is over a year sober now.
Keep coming back here, and go to some face to face meetings!
