The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think this is totally an al anon share as was Miss Mel's today! All I ever wanted was for someone to label me as acceptable, a "keeper" and I have always been destroyed when that doesn't happen... I'm not sure why but Mel's post gave me things to think about.
I can relate to the family thing in a similar but not exact way... if I'm doing what they think is acceptable I'm the "good daughter" if I'm not I'm so messed up and disgraceful.
I recently stood my ground with my elderly parents and didn't do what they wanted, attend a church event. It has upset me a great deal that first of all they will NOT listen to any of my reasons why I don't want to do what they want me to do it reinforces this feeling that I do not matter, that I am worth NOTHING on my own, based on my own feelings and who I am. I am only worthy if I am "performing" as a good Christian daughter should.. which equates and always has to making church people think good of them. They are addicted to church activities- their whole lives revolve around what people at the church think of them. NOT so much what God thinks of them but the church. Although I do believe they are sincere Christians just addicted to church life. Everything is acceptable or not acceptable, everything is of God or against God.
My sister tried to tell them that putting so much focus on Church had hurt her all her life once recently and it was almost silly how my mother would not hear it.. she repeated for months how horrible my sister was for saying that about church (as if she had said it about God and that is NOT what she said) but could not or would not hear how she had traded being a good mother for being an excellent church and community member My response to my mother was that if one of my adult daughters told me this I would be concerned that they felt this way and want to assure them that I loved them more than any activity..she would ignore my input and just want to go on and on about how "bad" my sister was and how she had always been a bad child (admittedly my sister is mean as a wet cat sometimes but she was spot on when she said this) ... it disgust me how "perfect" my parents appear to the community and yet my mom would beat my sister and drag her by her hair down stairs and push her face under a running bathtub spout. Then go to church on sunday all dressed up... I don't even remember what my sister supposedly did but I remember watching this and many other episodes.
My dad kinda seemed to always be at work when this happened but I remember him participating some too, always seemed for the purpose of supporting my mother but I don't know.. I really don't, I want to think my Dad is a nicer person but what little girl doesn't want to believe in her Dad? He has done some really supportive things for me and my brother and he once told me he ignored me some because he felt my mom was so mean to my sister he wanted to make up for it to her by giving her more attention... kinda messed up but I guess he was trying maybe?
There were things with me too where discipline did not match the "crime"... I'm confused as to if I really misbehaved or not most of them I probably did do something.as a teenager I just plain wanted to get them back so I was really bad.. I remember trying to be perfect as a small child.. they would call me their little "missionary" when we attended church functions and I made them look good., but one wrong move and boom now I was horrible and had grieved God with my behavior.
Recently my 3 year old grandson poured juice on my Dad at Christmas, he was playing like he does with all the other men in our family who rough house with him, he was also overly tired and hyped up on 3 weeks of Christmas candy and cookies. It wasn't a great thing for him to do and he should have been redirected given an opportunity to apologize and then it forgotten. Actually my Dad should have been thankful .. the grandson was trying to play with him the way he plays with his Uncles and other men right or wrong he thought he was showing love... It's still a big deal in my heart and the focus is still on if he was disciplined enough or not! It's been what 2 months almost
Anyway all this is rolling around in my head way too much I can not control why they are the way they are, I need to live in the present etc... my parents and I are not talking much right now, primarily because I didn't attend the church event they wanted me to (so therefore I'm getting a long "time out" and they are likely discussing my lack of spiritual maturity) and from my point of view because I hurt for my grandson who cried all the way home saying he wanted to say he was sorry and how he wanted to be a "good boy"- my daughter handled it well and I think he will be ok but this was just wrong.. ( I told my Dad about how sorry the grandson was and he only repeated "well as long as he was punished) brings back a lot of memories from my childhood.
Oh and by the way, when my parents tell a "white lie" or make some human mistake or bad choice toward others... it's totally acceptable usually because the other people are not as "good" as my parents ... not the correct type of people..ugh!
How can they attend that much church in their life and not accept other people and their mistakes or differences the way they are?
Who knows if all this is even the way it really is.. it is my feelings and I wish I could talk about some of it with my 82+ year old parents but that probably wouldn't go well,,, and the pain in the tush thing is I do still love them, just hate this "church and perfection" thing.
Dear Glad, thank you for sharing your concerns, frustration ,anxiety and pain. There are many incidences in my life that occur that can bring up childhood memories. I believe it's important to explore them as an adult, to check out the validity of the feelings and let go of the anger and resentment which may still live deep within.
Being powerless over people places and things as the first step suggests has helped me to not try to change my family of origin. My parents also had firm religious beliefs which I rejected early on. No amount of discussing the issues worked. Their minds were closed to any opinion but their own and it was a waste of my time and energy to try to change that.
When I entered Al-Anon I was given the tools of acceptance, which seemed to answer that issue. I had to accept the fact that I could not change their beliefs or get them to see my view, no matter how hard I tried.
I love how Al-Anon tells us to take what we like and leave the rest and the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. In my family, we all had to believe the same thing, dislike the same people, and we were not entitled to our own opinion.
I am glad that you are able to share here and am sorry for the pain that you have endured
My ex's family were a bit like this. Very close to the church and all about appearances. He was messed up from it and of grew to be an alcoholic. I feel for you because its hard enough to come to terms with dysfunction from our own childhood but to watch it effect the next generation is heartbreaking. I dont know what i would do if i were you. The tools i might try are the steps and serenity prayer. You have no power over your parents, you cant get them to change and their age might make them even more stuck in their ways. They might be too old to face the truth of themselves now, im not sure. You only have power over your own attitude and behaviour and what you will and wont put up with. You could try validating your truth and setting boundaries for yourself and your grandson. So when there is bad behaviour you could try changing the subject or directing things away or you could say how you feel or what you think in a calm voice then accept the consequences. I do know that when i just put up with dysfunction and go along with it it takes its toll on me and my self esteem. Its hard to walk the fine line between saying what you mean and sticking up for yourself in a calm rational way and getting angry. I struggle with this. I hope you can get some relief from this, it sounds like a hard situation. Its ok to detach with love, you know, treat them as insane people, not giving any weight to their hurtful words like you would an alcoholic. Walk away from the bad behaviour, limiting the time your grandson spends with them. whatever you do or dont do at least you have tools to keep yourself right.
I didn't grow up in a Church going family, but married into one and they were very goody goody. I always thought it was funny to be trying so hard to be perfect when we are anything but in the flesh. I do try to be a great human being, but accept my flaws and although I catch myself judging at times, I let it go and try to remember I too make mistakes and have compassion for those who are struggling. At times we are all struggling and sometimes your in the peak and sometimes your in the valley. The only constant is change and when you stop changing you stop growing. I do not want to sit stagnant on my peak staring at all the poor people in the valley, I want to be in the valley with people and helping us all climb the peaks together. I have worked home hospice for 12 years and the older people can be set in their ways, but that is part of what I love about them too, they have lived through some hardships I can't fathom and have a resilience like none other, some are stubborn to a fault, but I love them warts and all! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I've been trying to determine what this post says to me - I think most prominently is the phrase "What you think of me is none of my business". I have perfect churchy family members who pretentiously patronize me with their Christian righteousness but we've never had a discussion about beliefs; they assume they are better than me because they go to church and I don't. I live in a small church town and "their" kids get in drug and alcohol trouble right along with those not in their club. I know many townfolk who look down their Christian noses at those who don't measure up to their standards. I choose to like and accept people for who they are, and some of my choices might make "them" think less of me, who cares eh? I have people in my life who like me as I am, accept me as I am, even think I am wonderful (I got em fooled eh?). I keep a 2 hour distance from my family so that I have a built in excuse not to go down if I choose. I've taken heat in the past for not joining them, but as years have gone by and me staying true to myself and not going down at every call, its the norm for them now.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
