The material presented
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level.
After 3 months of AH drinking off & on, I couldn't take it anymore. Even though he was going to 5 meetings a week, he continued to drink in various amounts depending on his work schedule. Six weeks ago, I told my AH (married for 21 years) that one of my 5 boundaries is that if he drinks, he has to stay at a motel for the night. He followed this boundary once and violated it many many times. Yesterday I asked him to leave and stay at a motel for a few days and that depending on how he was doing, he would need to find an apartment after that. This morning after toxic conversations & comments, he left. Now I'm wracked with guilt. He was a severe alcoholic in his worst years. I don't know if he'll survive but also know that I have no control over that.
Hugs Jessmine.
It sounds like you made a healthy decision for both of you. I'm willing to bet the guilt will be replaced with something much better over time, as you become able to think and feel your own thoughts and feelings without having his drinking overshadowing everything. He might be able to look at himself more honestly too and you might be surprised at how well he copes. I know I have been, my A was seeming like he was on his way to his grave when we ceased living together and he is surprisingly well, healthy and quite often sober lately. People can be a lot more capable than we let ourselves think they are and A's are very good at convincing people that they cannot survive without them.
I hope you have meetings and support to help you adjust to this new beginning.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Prayers and positive thoughts Jessmine. I do hope you will search out alanon face to face meetings and give yourself the support and tools to live with this dreadful disease.
You are not alone and there is hope .
It's been a peaceful 8 days since my post. I have not talked with AH but the day after I asked him to leave, I got a phone call from one of his AA recovery friends. My AH asked his friend to take him to residential treatment an hour away (one that we are familiar with that is a reputable treatment center). I haven't talked with AH because no phone calls are allowed the first 8 days. Anyway his friend that took him there said that he was very humble & quiet during the trip. Talked about how much he loved his family. Anyway I talked with the director of the center today and she said AH is doing very well - he's diving into meetings, step work & fellowship quicker than ever before. I remain a skeptic but am happy for AH that he's made the right choice for himself. I will keep my distance and stay supportive from afar. I really do wish the best for him. He's a good man at heart. In the meantime in spending quality time with my kids, at meetings and just relaxing. Lonely but so peaceful without the constant worrying.
Wow Jess...that was an awesome response. Not sure how much alanon you've been to but you did display a lot of use of alanon tools/coping skills. You set a boundary, stuck to it, then let go and moved forward, and now you are practicing detachment with love in regard to him and his recovery. Way to go! I know this hasn't been an easy thing for you, but you seem pretty resilient and strong.
I've learned that saving yourself is a good choice because we cannot save the A's. You deserve a happy life and if the A can't join you, it's very sad. But what 's the sense of two lives being destroyed when one can be saved. And the A has choices. You can't make them for him. He determines his path and you are doing a great job with your path. I hope you can let go of the guilt. I still live with my A and feel guilty at times because I'm breaking the codependency, have gotten much better at detachment, and I am happy much of the time. My A is a sad mess that I cannot help. I tried for 20 + years all for nothing. Now my energy is for me. Alanon has helped me in a way that a regular person would not understand. Thank you program, Lyne
