The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to brag a bit because I'm so very proud of myself!
My wife is a very active alcoholic. Over the last few weeks, it's greatly increased. Her normal rotation is where she's really drunk Monday-Friday. On the weekend, she's sober 99% of the time. Saturdays are spent recovering and feeling bad about her week, Sundays are spent with withdrawl symptoms. At lease she's not nasty on the weekends. This week she turned violent. She was relentlessly beating on me, even with our 2 year old daughter in my arms. It was all I could do to keep her away from me. A 200lb man getting beat on by a 125lb woman. I guess that is what it took for my breaking point. I took my son and daughter, and left for the night. I told my wife that as long as she is drinking/drunk, we will no longer be around as I refuse to let a repeat of that night happen. She tested my newly set boundry last night. I'm very proud to say I stuck to my boundry and removed myself from the environment. As good as that felt, it sure did feel extremely sad that I wasn't with her last night. I know I did the right thing by going, it sure didn't feel that way in my heart. It's like I abondanded her.
Anyways, today brings a new day. One that I hope doesn't repeat itself tonight. I'm confident if it does show itself, I'll have the strength to do the same thing again.
Well done backing up your boundary. In my experience that gets easier and it does start to feel empowering once we have stuck to our boundaries repeatedly and learned that the sky will not fall if we do! I have also found from experience that the person in question will try all kinds of tricks, dirty and otherwise to get us to relinquish those boundaries and go back to tolerating awful behaviours. Do you attend meetings? They are a very helpful way to stay the path and learn new tools and glean encouragement and hope.
Also, of course we aren't here to teach" the A's in our lives a lesson but feeling abandoned when she has behaved horribly towards you probably isn't harmful to her whilst having you stand faithfully by her side while she continues to be drunk and abusive just might be harmful to her.
Hugs to you and well done taking a positive step for yourself and kids.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Congratulations to you. Sticking to a boundary and having guilt for sticking to it is very common. I think what Miss Meliss said is so true...."feeling abandoned when she has behaved horribly towards you probably isn't harmful to her whilst having you stand faithfully by her side while she continues to be drunk and abusive just might be harmful to her."
Standing faithfully by her side while she is not only SELF destructive but also RELATIONSHIP destructive is not in her or your own best interest. Do what you have to do. And don't feel guilty or abandoned. I have a friend in AlAnon who used to call her hubby's best friend when he got drunk, to come to the house and take him to a motel to sleep it off. She said she didn't want the young boys (sons) seeing their dad like that and having mom seemingly condone it. So she let him get by himself and decide to drink/use more or sleep it off in private.
That's not punishing. It is giving choices. And making choices.
Good for you for defending your boundary. If you are in recovery you might find you wont ever tolerate intolerable behaviour again, the process of recovery builds you back up, you get some self worth and you begin to look after yourself. I know its difficult but the proper consequences for violence for most humans is being charged by police. Its not something society tolerates as a whole. Proper consequences is where the learning is for anyone especially alcoholics.There might come a time when you feel ready to not hide or cover up for your wife.
If it is turning violent, then I would think twice about even coming back. My wife and I had an argument that turned violent, mostly quickly became shoving and pushing because she was so drunk. But in the middle of it, she went down a step and sprained her ankle badly. I got a lot of looks at the hospital, and the nurses kept asking wife if everything was OK between us, do they need to call the authorities. it came out OK for me, she didn't want to push it. In hindsight, I should have just walked away when she threw the first punch, but it gets hard to do in the middle of the heated moment.
I have a friend who just recently ended up in an altercation with his wife. She was quite drunk as well, and started it and shoved him and that was really the end of it, but the next day she showed bruises to the authorities. She had told my friend before the violent incident that they came from an extra-marital lover. But in public now she insisted they were from my friend. At the inquest charges were dropped because she gave very inconsistent testimony due to her being so drunk at the time, but it was a huge hassle, and could have been much worse for him.
In my experience, once these things are made light, the law will find the man guilty until proven innocent. I don't know if that is entirely wrong, my eyes have been opened up from some of the stories on this board from women who have been through violence. But, the way I would approach it if wife ever became active/violent, I would leave and not give the opportunity for anyone to be able to point fingers.
So I guess you are doing what I am suggesting here anyway I just wanted to alert you to some of my experiences.
Kenny, I got that same advice/story from my sister in law. She was asking a friend of hers that is a state police officer. When she told me all that, the decision to just leave when she's drinking became easy in theory.
Missmeliss, it does make the decision to not to go home tonight easier. I went home over lunch to get some things for the night and found 2 empty wine bottles laying on the floor, and her passed out beside them. I was conflicted on if I wanted to wake her or not because she had been being pretty nasty via text all morning. I just couldn't leave her on the floor though. We got her onto the couch. She was stumbling very badly. She would have fell had I not caught her several times. She was talking very nicely to me. She wanted to know if I was coming home tonight. I looked at her, then the bottles of wine on the floor, and told her that I was not going to come home tonight and explained why. She was very visibly irritated and began to raise her voice. I told her that I loved her very much and to make sure she locks up the house tonight before bed, and left.
About an hour later she sends me some text messages about random things and asks me what I'm doing tonight. I told her I was either staying with my mom again, or will be going to my sisters house. She told me to have fun, and I told her that it's no fun at all and that I belong at home. She asked me to come home and it would be fun. I reminded her I couldn't do that because she is drunk. I told her that I loved her, and she said the same to me.
It was not very easy to do the second time because she asked me to come home. That's something I don't think I would have expected to hear from her given the nastiness she had been showing earlier in the day. I guess that is the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome.
My sister is going to take me to my first meeting this Friday night. I'm not sure what to expect from it as I've never been to one.
Thanks for all the positivity in the thread. It sure does help.
It is best to not have any expectations when starting the program however what really helps and what really helped me was the suggestion in the opening statement, "If you keep and open mind you will find help". I found soooo much help in the program that I got my life and sanity back. My alcoholic/addict wife eventually got clean and sober without my intervention. There is nothing about their disease or their recovery that we can Cause, Control or Cure. This time is your time...its about you. Good or excellent first lessons brother. This is how boundary success sounds line, feels like and is. No it doesn't feel good and then change under these circumstances hardly ever does when I listen to the fellowship or my own story. Keep coming back...In support. (((((hugs)))))
So things took a very big turn for the worst. As I said, my AW was physically violent to me early this week. That caused me to create the boundary of me and my kids not being there when she is drinking. I'm proud of the fact that I did that each day she was drinking. My AW was less than impressed about the fact that I made this boundary and actually stuck to it. So, on Thursday, she called the police and told them I was physically abusive to her. Actually, she told them that I put my hands around her neck and choked her to almost unconsciousness. With that information, the police came to my workplace and arrested me. I spent about 6 hours between being transported from work, to the police officer that was conducting the 'investigation', to the booking center. I've never been so humiliated in all my life. The officer that talked to my AW bought her stories hook, line, and sinker. To make it worse, she was drunk while she made this report. She really had him fooled.
The conditions of my bail is that I have no contact with my AW, and I cannot go home until my trial date - which is almost 2 months away. My children and I are staying at my parents house - a 37 year old man, with 2 children, staying with parents....it's rough! Since I was arrested at my workplace, I was put on administrative leave. I did, however, find out yesterday I would be allowed to go back to work on Monday. I'm still unsure if I have a job still though. That I'll find out more Monday.
My employer has an assistance program that will provide me with legal advice on my situation, as well as recommending a lawyer in my area. I'll be talking with them Monday as well.
My AW hasn't seen the kids since Monday morning. Today was the first time she's asked to see our daughter. I'm really on the fence about letting her see our daughter. I've been talking with my AW's sister since being arrested. Tomorrow my parents are supposed to go to my house with my daughter for a supervised visit. My AW's parents are going to be there as well. In order to get around a possible situation where my AW tries to keep my daughter there instead of her coming back to me, my sister in law is going to have my AW send her a detailed description of the agreement of the visitation, have her sign it, my parents sign it, and AW's parents sign it. Should the situation come up where she insists on my daughter staying there, we will have that to show the police and was told by a police officer friend that what's on the paper that everyone agreed to beforehand, is what's going to happen.
The good thing about all this time I have not being able to sleep, is I've made a decision on my future with my AW. I absolutely do not want to divorce her. However, my non-negotiable term is that she is and remains sober. I just cannot keep living like this.
I think that's all for now. I'll surely post more once my head gets unscrambled some more.
My prayers and thoughts are with you in this terrible situation.
Thankfully your family is being supportive and helpful. I hope
All works out with your job and legal fees. You and the children
Will get some healing time away from your AW.
It sounds as if the prohibition from seeing her could be a blessing in disguise. If your boundary was not to be there when she's drunk - a very reasonable and sane boundary - then I believe that would mean being there almost none of the time. Whatever ultimatum we give them, they drink anyway. Unless they're working a program of recovery very seriously, it's a given. That's what alcoholics do. So the separation was inevitable, in that sense.
I hope you will get a very good lawyer who can help straighten out this horrible situation. If you have ways to document her drunkenness (witnesses? texts?), those might be helpful. Al-Anon meetings will also be very helpful. No one should have to go through this chaos alone.
Thank you for sharing this difficult step. Though it must be filled with an overtone of fear it made me realize that setting and keeping a boundary is its own progress, separate and free of any consequences or implications. I hear your story and know in my heart that you are doing what is right, and that no matter what flows from your decision, stepping in the correct direction is always healing. Even if it is not for your wife, on some level, at some time it carries more potential for healing (even for her) because of your courage. And by sharing your story you have given me courage to stay strong for my son and his addiction, and my own recovery. Thank you...
I'm so sorry this happened to you FH. As Mattie said, sometimes the legal system is the only thing that can control As. In my case, my A didn't get sober until she spent some jail time without her son. So, the legal system is enforcing that you not see the wife, maybe that will be a good thing. It sounds like your family is being very supportive as well.
And you have parents house that you can go back to. A lot of people here don't have that as an option.
I guess I'm hoping you can count your blessings, even though this is a suck situation it could be much worse.
Documentation and witnesses will be vital at this point, I'm sure your attorney will tell you that. Even if you don't' want to divorce her, she has gone down a very steep slippery slope of lying about you to the legal system. This will pit you against each other whether you like it or not, I'm sorry to say.
Keep coming back here and hopefully you can get to a face to face meeting soon.
I just wanted to alert you to some of my experiences.