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Hello all. My 58 year old half-brother is an alcoholic. He has also had issues with illegal and prescription drug abuse. I was 6 when he went into the Navy at 17, and he and I have never developed a close relationship. My first major brush with his addiction issues came in 1991 when my father, his step-father, passed away. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he was abusing cocaine as well as alcohol. He was verbally abusive toward me in front of several family members with the only provocation on my part being that I honored my father's wish to have no memorial service. It was so severe that my husband at the time would not allow him into our home.
Half-brother and I reconciled to a point, and co-existed as peacefully as we could for the sake of our mother. 8 years later, I went through a divorce after my husband had a psychotic break and nearly choked me. My ex and I owned an RV, which I retained in the divorce and stored at my half-brother's. The RV was still financed in both my ex'es and my name, and I was very much aware of the potential liability. Unfortunately, I needed time to sell it as re-financing in my own name after the divorce wasn't possible. Half-brother phones me, drunk, and states that he is going to send the RV to Mississippi (we live in Texas) for his step-daughter and her husband to take to the races at Talladega. I attempted to explain that wasn't a good idea because of liability issues with my ex, and he got belligerent and accused me of being cold and selfish. I borrowed a relative's truck, and went and collected the RV. During the acquisition, he was drunk, and confrontational. He stated in no uncertain terms that the RV was going to Mississippi, and that was that. I quietly hitched it up, and took it out of his possession.
Fast forward to 2009, and our mother's health severely declined. At the time, she lived near me, and we both lived about 2.5 hours away from half-brother. Mom had COPD and congestive heart failure. She was in the hospital 9 times that year, on a ventilator 3 times. Half-brother came up to see her a couple of times, but the majority of time it was me, alone, at the hospital. She was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed to help with her heart issues, and he agreed to come be with her during and after the surgery because I had blown through all my leave time at work, and was actually on FMLA leave. The first step was a heart cath. The cardiologist came out and explained to half-brother that her heart function was only 25%. Half brother was shocked, despite all that I and our mother had told him about her health. He asked the doc for a sedative, to which the doc replied that he could not prescribe one to him. After that, he called me, complained that the doc wouldn't give him the sedative, and said he couldn't deal with it. He had to leave and I was going to have to take over. I left work, again, and got to the hospital about the time Mom woke up. Of course, she wanted to know where her son was, and I told her he had a hard time with all of it and had to leave.
In 2011, Mom decided to move in with half-brother. By this time, she was on hospice, although she was still somewhat independent - she needed help bathing, preparing food, and doing simple chores like making her bed. She had been a life long smoker, and was still smoking despite being on oxygen and her rapidly declining health. Half-brother continued to live in denial about her condition, and the two of them butted heads over all sorts of things. His answer was to stay drunk. I was visiting one weekend, and he literally passed out at the table sitting up. In January, 2012, Mom contracted pneumonia. The docs told us that if she went back on the vent, she wouldn't be able to come off. Her lungs were just too damaged. Half-brother and I made the decision to not place her on the vent. I gave the hospital a copy of the medical power of attorney which named me as the legal decision maker, and notified them of our decision. The next morning, I receive a call from my sister-in-law that my half-brother had placed her on a vent. He couldn't deal with her impending death, and decided that the best way to handle it was to put her on the vent. I contacted the hospital, reminded them who had power of attorney, and removed her from all life support. It was a decision that I felt I should have never had to make. Half-brother got into Mom's morphine and chased it down with a bottle of vodka. He was out cold for almost 48 hours. Four days later, the day after my birthday, my mom passed away. Half-brother finally called me two days later and said I was going to have to handle all the arrangements because he just couldn't. Mom had made it very clear she wanted no funeral, and had actually made arrangements to have her body donated to science prior to her death. I told him I had no intentions of planning anything, that I was going to take time to grieve for her and honor her wishes. He was angry and hung up.
Two months after Mom died, half-brother asked me to meet him at our aunt's house to go through some family pictures our mom had. I agreed, and met him. During the process, he grilled me about any life insurance - there wasn't any - or anything of value. He also phoned several relatives to see if they knew anything about life insurance, believing I'd lied to him. I helped him determine who was in the pictures, and said my goodbyes. I haven't spoken with him since then - that was March, 2012. There were other minor skirmishes over the years, but the incidents I shared are the major ones.
Last week, he called my new husband (we were married last April) and told him he'd entered rehab. This was his second stay - the Navy had put him into rehab after he was at a party in a barracks on base and someone detonated a grenade. He also told my husband that he literally has no idea why I won't talk to him, but he wants to speak to me. He says he has a sponsor and is working to make amends.
Obviously, I still have a lot of anger where he is concerned. His addictions caused a lot of pain for me and my mother over the years, and while I've forgiven him, I'm not prepared to have a relationship with him. I've never felt that being related to someone means you have to have a relationship with them. I asked him once if he even liked me, and he just looked at me like I was nuts. Also, my husband says that half-brother told him he doesn't remember any altercations between us. He wants me to sit down with him and his sponsor and tell him what he did so he can apologize. He'll feel like everything is ok because he said he's sorry, yet for me it will be meaningless because he doesn't remember. Husband insists this will help me, but I just don't see it. He didn't know me when all this happened, we met right before my mother passed away, so all he knows is what I've told him. It feels as if I'm the only one who really knows the story. I also feel that the only reason I'd be doing this is out of a sense of duty to help him in his recovery, and, quite frankly, that irritates the crap out of me. After all I've been through with him, why should I open myself up to potentially more hurt so he can feel better about himself? If any of you have any similar experience, I'd appreciate another perspective. My apologies for being so long winded.
Welcome to MIP GSH, this is a wonderful place and I am sure that as you read other peoples stories you might find that many of us understand your situation very well. Alcoholism is a ghastly disease that affects family and friends as much as those who are drinking and I am sorry that your life has been affected.
My situation is slightly different to yours, I am married to the alcoholic in my life, but one of the things that I have learnt is that I can best be supportive of his recovery by thriving in my own life. When he wants to engage in a positive way then I welcome him to join me in whatever is going on at that time, but his recovery is his own journey.
Going to alanon meetings has helped me to recognise the impact that all that trauma has had on my life and also to realise that, for the moment, the phrase 'to your own self be true' seems to work for me. If I am comfortable with a choice that I am making then it is probably the right choice for me. I check my motives for what I am thinking - am I looking after myself or punishing for instance. Ihave also come to appreciate that I can, god willing, change my mind at a later date if I would like to.
There is a very useful saying here along the lines of - 'say what you mean and don't say it mean'. You can, if you wish, let your half brother know that the timing is not right for you at the moment whist still wishing him well. Take care of yourself GSH, others will come here with fantastic advice but in the meantime I hope you keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Dear GSH, Thank you for having the courage and clarity to share your sadness and pain. Alcoholism is a progressive chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease affects the family members in an extremely negative fashion, as we attempt to deal with all the difficulties stirred up by the disease. AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members.
Although you may not think this disease has affected you, deep down you are carrying negative feelings that have been caused by this disease. I'm sorry to read of your mother's passing and admire you for the way you handled it. In Al-Anon I found people who understand his few others did and as I broke the isolation caused by living withthis disease, I found the support,empathy, new tools to live by and a way to process my past so as not to have it poison my future.
Face-to-face Al-Anon meetings are held very often in most communities. It is suggested that you try six different Al-Anon meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. The hotline number for Al-Anon is found in the white pages. I urge you to attend and keep coming back here there is hope and help.
GSH, the steps are the same in alanon as AA basically - and the ones where me make amends, step 8 and 9 are exactly the same. So, that being said, those two steps read as follows:
Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9. - Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
So - what I am hearing is that his attempt to make amends to you is going to cause you pain....meaning it would injure you. If he was really going to follow the 12 steps correctly, he would need to respect that perhaps this is one amends he wont be able to make verbally to you because it will only result in more harm.
I support your feelings on the matter. I have been told in AA (and also in Alanon actually) that sometimes the best amends I can make to people is to just leave them alone...I don't like that sometimes, but it's true.
