The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I'm new here and not sure this is where I belong yet. I believe my husband is an alcoholic, but he does not agree. Problems with alcohol have been occurring for about 12 years and the problems escalate every few years. When he drinks, he gets very verbally abusive with me, calling me nasty names and making accusations that are very hurtful. When he's not drinking, he sulks, acts like he's a victim and makes promises he never keeps. He tells me he drinks because of me. Apparently, I am not affectionate enough which drives him to drink. I will admit that I am not affectionate with him. He's mean. I'm not attracted to who he has become and find it harder and harder to let go of the things he says to me while he's drinking. I'm not loved, supported or respected and if it was just me, I would have left him years ago, but I have children. I struggle daily with whether I am doing more harm than good to my kids by keeping them in this environment. I do not want them to learn his behaviors, but feel like if they have to be around him, at least I am here to protect them and be a buffer from his nasty mouth. I've basically made the decision to stick it out until they are older, but need a support system in place. I can not continue to whine to my mom and best friend about the things he says and does because I'm turning into an emotional drain on them and that's not who I am. I want to focus on my career, kids and home and learn ways to not let his words hurt or affect me anymore. A friend told me to try Al-Anon, but I am scared of seeing someone I know in a meeting and scared of my husband finding out I'm going to meetings or assuming I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do and getting angry. I'd appreciate any resources, reading materials or tools that anyone has experience with that will help the light at the end of this tunnel seem a little brighter. Thank you in advance for any help you can direct me to.
Hi MW, you've found a place with like minded people.
You've discovered many things already, can't whine to mom and others, they don't understand anyway. He drinks because of you. Not feeling loved. Most of us have been through that.
First, one thing to know. You didn't cause him to drink, you can't control his drink, and you won't cure him of drinking. We call this the 3 Cs. You will hear it if you go to an Al Anon meeting. And you will find lots of support from people in similar situations.
When I went to my first Al Anon meeting, I thought I heard my son's scoutmaster in there as I was just walking into the room! I freaked, went back out to the car, and calmed down. Then I realized that, if he truly was in there, he was there for the same reason that I was. I went back to the meeting, now late, and realized it wasn't him who I heard. And then I met a bunch of folks who could sympathize with what I was going through and help me get through it.
If you want to try one here first, you can try an online meeting, we have them twice a day. See the information in the upper left hand of this page.
And keep coming back here, there is lots of wisdom here that I have been able to tap into.
Welcome to MIP. I understand what you are experiencing in relationship to your husband's drinking and behaviors. He may never agree that he has a drinking problem or is an alcoholic. What you are admitting is that it is too much for you to live with him behaving as he does. As the x of an active alcoholic/addict who was also an abusive person to include mental, emotional, spiritual and physical, I couldn't live with it either. He, too, didn't think he had a problem with alcohol or drugs although he tried to strangle me one night because I threw his stuff out. Al-Anon is not a do-it-yourself/self help program. Readers, etc are a help but in my experience they really don't make much sense without the fellowship to help me understand it and how to use the tools of the program on a face to face basis. I tried to handle living with somebody who had this disease on my own. That was a big mistake and only led to me becoming increasingly depressed and sad with numbing thrown in to protect myself from his disease as much as I could back then. As the disease progresses in him, his behaviors will only worsen. I had a job and children and that wasn't enough to keep me out of harm's way with him. I do hope you will attend Al-Anon meetings for your sake, whether or not he agrees that he has a drinking problem. There, you will meet people who are and have experienced much of what you describe and have learned ways to take better care of themselves with the help of the Al-Anon program and its fellowship. Keep coming back here, too.
When i first went to ftf i just sat and listened. You do not need to
Speak unless you want to. You can just pass, i listened,learned
And absorbed the wisdom from others shares. It is a recovery
Program for us not the alcoholic. We get just as sick as they are
By living with the disease of alcoholism. AA is for them, alanon
for us. We learn tools on how to live our lives better and healthier
No matter what the alcoholic is doing.
MCW, I do think you are in the right place. I have heard other members cite all of the same concerns and issues in their relationships. Welcome. To whatever degree you can participate in Alanon, I believe it will help you.
At some point, you might want to go anyhow even if your husband finds out and doesn't like it. It's self care and it's being done for you, not to hurt him. It is possible you can just do what you need to do for you and his upset feelings are his own problem.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress MCW . You have already received wonderful suggestions from other Board members and have indicated that you are not ready to attend Al-Anon meetings as yet. I understand your hesitancy as I have felt as you do but I also read where you are looking for a place to share your thoughts and receive support as well as new tools to live by. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings as well as online meetings are where you will find all of the above.
Until you feel comfortable in attending face-to-face meetings here is a list of online meetings that are held here daily. It would be a good start for you.
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
WE also have Al-Anon conference approved literature which supports concepts and principles of the program which can be purchased either at an Al-Anon meeting or the Alanon World Service Organization
I would recommend ; The Courage to Change, How Al-Anon Works, From Survival to Recovery, the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, Paths to Recovery, to name a few.
There is hope and help so please reach out and take care of you. Your family and your worth it.
Thank you all so much. I'm a stubborn person when it comes to accepting help. I like to handle it all on my own. I am glad the support is here and am anxious to move forward to a happier place.
HI MCW and welcome. We all hear you here, and we understand your pain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that will only get worse. I call it a demonic disease because it affects everyone it touches. Usually, we (the spouses) become enablers to our alcoholics without even knowing it. First things first. Don't take anything the alcoholic says personally, because it's the disease talking. You did not and do not cause him to drink, you cannot control his drinking nor can you cure it. I know that peace and serenity (happier place) you are looking for. Al-Anon can help you find that place. If you don't feel comfortable or are not able to attend face to face Al-Anon meetings, please try to go to the online meetings here. Also, I strongly recommend the Al-Anon daily reader, Courage to Change.
Take care of you and please keep coming back here.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I am glad you are here and found MIP! Al-anon face to face meetings have saved my sanity. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so helpful also. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for your responses. I haven't ruled out going to a meeting. Just not ready yet.
-MW
If your a bit shy about meets, how about hanging in here AND going on our on line meetings which are less "in your face" scary....i get how it feels to be a newbie in the face to face meets, but it goes away...the love in the rooms makes it go away
but in the meantime, hang out with us and be sure you are not alone
Husband sounds awful, I know, been there done that and I got to where i just could not stand the sight of that man......so you are not alone...I am glad you don't buy into the BS that he drinks b/c of you...that is the oldest, most worn out excuse that is total BULL**** that a drunk can toss out....they lie, con, manipulate, terrorize at times b/c they are hooked on the booze....I can't even stand now, being around people who abuse ANY substance....i stay away.....
in the meetings and fellowshipping with others and also getting into the literature and steps you will find out how to live healthy and not accept this anymore......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((((MCW))))) you must be a close family member as I identify with the "stubborn person" very well. In me it is called ODD or oppositional defiant disorder and it caused me to resist help until I could no longer do that in order to gain and maintain peace of mind and serenity which is what Al-Anon offers us. Welcome to the board. There is a lot of ESH here (Experience Strength and Hope)...we have a lot of individual experience to share with you from our own stories about what it was like, what we found out and then happened and what it is like now. I hope you keep coming back. In support (((((hugs)))))
As you have already seen, we are here with you and understand. It also took me a good while to go to face to face meetings, so I understand your feeling on that. I will tell you that I felt things improving and more positive for me as soon as I did start attending, but until I was ready I attended many of the online meetings that Betty gave you the schedule for.
Your post shows so much strength and wisdom.. yet alcoholism can drain us till we become who we don't want to be.. and your right complaining to "earth people" those who don't understand our situation or even too much to anyone does away with our strengths.
Work it out, reason as best we can, vent some... but then focus on what we can do today to improve our lives is the way to stay strong for our future.. take care of you too... find activities that make you who you want to be... so if you do choose to leave someday your all set to start a new life Or IF you do choose to stay your happy with YOU.... Again I'm so happy to see someone finding al anon before they are so far gone there are years of "rebuilding yourself" that need to be done.
My hope for you would be that you find a good face to face in person meeting of alanon and lean about the program yet stay focused on what is best for your kids and your career too. meaning take what you like from the program but don't let it become your only outlet for what is best for you but a guiding light to make the best out of the rest of your life. It will be a short time till your kids are older OR you become sure about your next step. It's good your not placing your hopes on your husband becoming sober... that rarely happens with good results.. it's a mess this alcoholism thing. As you know alanon is designed to help you take care of you..regardless of what the alcoholic is doing.
Also be careful of who you choose to be your sponsor or the people who you lean to for guidance in alanon... some what to stay with the alcoholic so much they place all the focus on that.. some are so angry they place blame and vent.. the mature ones (I am not yet as mature as I wish to be) but the mature ones focus on making themselves the best they can be and turning the rest over to a higher power.
A strong relationship with a "higher power" we use that term so people are free to choose what that means to them, so it's not a "religious" program yet a spiritual one... It is not meant to take away from or add to what anyone may believe is their higher power.. but to allow for choices and support people not matter what their choices. There is nothing wrong with the traditional higher power (God as I know him) or any other persons ways in the view of the program. It's not about right and wrong but about finding what is right for each of us. Sure I'd like everyone to know my personal higher power ... but that's not what al anon is for... I try to exercise that belief in other actions in my life.
In my view we all have a place in the program and can all help eachother... I'm just saying to your own self be true.. and no matter any "progam" common sense (which alcoholism and the effects it places on those that love alcoholics can almost do away with) but common sense and what we want the end result to be is best always kept in mind. To me developing myself allowed as I want to be allows me to control the things I can (me) and therefore reduces the crazy out of control feelings alcoholism brings, like all the venting to your family you mention. The the most damaging thing all the venting I did to my family did for me was that they began to see me as the one with the problems.. which I was at the time, but only a fellow al anon understands how all that works, but they then seemed let the alcoholic off the hook so to speak and that made me doubt my self worth.. because so many people in my life were seeing me in a negative light so to speak... it hurt more and what al anonon needs more hurt...
Too much info I'm sure... just so happy to see you here and hope you keep coming back and reach out to an in person program, even if you don't find in person support, this board is amazing and the people here really do understand our issues. Remember it's okay, progress not perfection,, your in a great place to stay strong and find your peace for today and your future!
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 4th of February 2015 08:07:32 AM
