The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things are good right now. Bills are being paid. My brother isn't taking advantage of Mom with the babysitting schedule. He is communicating better than before and you can tell he is trying not to dish out the BS.
But I am having a hard time being happy. I have to be on guard to not be too optimistic, but neither do I want to be pessimistic. Yes, he has improved before and tried to change before only to fall back into old habits, but this time seems different. But saying that makes me a bit scared.
One day at a time. I don't have a crystal ball and I shouldn't feel the urge to make any predictions. So I will pull out the old ODaaT and newer AlAnon books as well.
(Note: He is not an alcoholic but both of us married addicts. And there are some serious issues he needs to work on that have had an impact on our lives but I wanted to stay general and just discuss principles and emotions rather than getting bogged down in details, particularly considering that thinking on the details is what tends to get me the most crazy!)
Hi, Barbie: Waiting for the other shoe to drop was something I did, too, for awhile. I couldn't seem to relax even when things were going well. That was one of the ways the disease of alcoholism had affected me. The program helped me learn how to focus daily on myself, take care of my responsibilities, and find ways to enjoy myself without trying to peer into an unknown future. I'm glad you got your ODAT book out. My readers have been a big help for me, too.
Barb...holding someone else responsible for your happiness or sadness is like hostage taking. He and others will fail at it because your happiness or sadness is your responsibility. I was so grateful to learn how to cut my alcoholic/addict wife loose from that responsibility and to own it myself. Try reading the early days of this year in the ODAAT daily reader which are about self focus...they are awesome. (((((hugs)))))
When you have lived with that same set of responses for years, its easy to keep going back to the projecting, worry, fear etc. It takes work to change your mindset. Daily work, theres no magic in it. Its practice, readings, meetings etc.
Jerrys right, noone else can take responsibility formyour happiness. Ki do this as well sometimes, look for reasons or other people to be miserable or sad instead of deciding what i want 5o be and committing to it.
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 3rd of February 2015 01:51:58 AM
Besides "one day at a time" I also think I need to read a lot about gratitude. instead of being grateful for the improvements and just being happy in myself I am trying to project and predict what is going to happen in the future, borrowing tomorrow's problems.
"If we look at the world through suspicious or angry eyes, we'll find a world that mirrors our expectations - a world where tension will mount, arguments will abound, strife will be present where none need be. However, our experiences in some manner bless us, and we'll recognize that if we'll look upon them with gratitude. Everything in our path is meant for our good and we'll see the good when our hearts act as the eyes for our minds.
"When we see with our hearts, our responses to the turmoil around us, the fighting children, the traffic snarls, the angry lovers, will be soft acceptance. When our hearts guide the action we can accept those things we cannot change, and change those we can. And the heart, as the seat of all wisdom, will always know the difference."
Two subjects that help me when I'm obsessing and I'm good at it .. lol .. are obsession as well as fear. Usually I'm in a place of fear when I'm trying to control what I think someone else should or shouldn't be doing. Gratitude helps a great deal! Simple A - Z lists do wonders and I try and focus on 5 things to be grateful for when I get up and before I go to bed.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Barbie - I know there must be a long history here with your brother. I'm wondering if there are family of origin issues to be addressed. I have them going on with my sisters. It's part of why I moved 1000 miles away to force myself to live MY life rather than a life in comparison or paying too much attention to them. I love my sisters, but what they do with their lives, their choices, and how they raise their children has little bearing on me. I love my nephews too but am pretty much powerless over how they choose to raise them. I don't know the answer. I guess just hoping some insight might help you let go and redirect your focus.
One of the big helps to me when I was first submerging myself in the Al-Anon program versus sticking my toe in it was: "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics." I realize your brother isn't an A and yet I do think some of the readings written by grandparents in it might be helpful to you. There might be parallel experiences that you can relate to in their shares as the aunt of a niece for which you have no legal responsibilities and love all the same. This CAL can be purchased at meetings, the World Service Office of Al-Anon, and sometimes Amazon.
I would suggest reading about detachment. Detached I can step back and examine a situation to determine if it is something I should/could do something about or if it is something that the principle parties need to handle on their own. When I was embroiled with my ex-A, I was too close, my heart was caught up and I was a part of the drama.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
There are phrases that I have trained myself to alert myself to now. Phrases that I will use inside my head that alert me to when I am giving someone else power over me. "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop" is definitely one of them. Stepping back and evaluating the situation with an eye towards what am *I* feeling, not worried about anyone else's feelings. Then letting myself feel that feeling, because I have acknowledged it.
Then, evaluating what will *I* do about it, but all the while bearing in mind Step 1. In fact, this is my means of doing Step 1 very very often. Step 1 allows me to feel because I am powerless, therefore my feelings won't hurt anybody, but instead alert me to what my gut is feeling. Step 1 also allows me to let go of powerless actions towards the situation once I evaluate that I don't have that power. And it allows me to then do the things that I do have control over in the situation.
so for me, initial reading is just Step 1 and the Serenit prayer. Lots of reminding myself of these two items. It's that simple for me. If I make it any more complicated, well, I'm not naturally emotionally intelligent, so I get tripped up pretty fast.
