The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. Long, drawn out story. My 32 year old daughter (at the time) realized she needed help and started doing AA. Her sobriety is her highest priority, which it should be (3 little kids). My husband then lost his job, we lost our home, etc with the 2008 crisis. We were divorced after 36 of marriage, and he nearly died from drinking himself to death. He went to 30 days of rehab, but still won't accept the program.
I just wondered if there was anyone out there who feels as lonely as I do? I went to Alanon for 3 years, until I moved and didn't really like the new groups I found. My daughter and I used to be really close, but now she goes to her sponsor every time she has a problem, instead of confiding in me. I really miss this closeness. I feel like a big crybaby, but I feel like l've been replaced. Sometimes I feel like her husband likes having her like this, because she's isolated and caters just to him. I live in the same town, but hardly ever see my grandkids, and I think my daughter wants it that way. I've asked her a million times to bring the kids over, and she always says, "Sure!" but she never does. I guess she figures if I want to see them, I can see them myself. But then I feel like I'm begging. Why doesn't she want me to be a part of the kids' lives? Am I a bad influence? I'm really confused and sad, and don't want to bring it up because in Alanon we are taught to "mind our own business". So it stays that way. I almost feel like she lives in her own little world (which she does), and her husband takes advantage. She no longer socializes with her friends for obvious reasons, but I don't understand why you have to cut off all relationships with friends and family. It's like she's been kidnapped. I don't like it.
I have an active A 34 yr old daughter who lives 2 hrs from us (denies her alcoholism, says "people" drink way more than she does etc) who isn't married, doesn't have children, only works one day a week if that.......and I see her maybe once or twice a year (although she says we will meet up but invariably cancels).
We text each other, but she usually just texts to tell me what is wrong with her life or people she deals with or else she gets in a negative mood about us and tells us we never did much to help her etc. She never asks about me or her father. Periodically we don't hear from her and her phone is turned off (or maybe the bill hasn't been paid).
Alcoholism is a selfish ddisease
Hello. Welcome to MIP. As the mother of an active A who once worked the program, I was glad he had a sponsor and people in the program to talk with. Much of what he shared with me was upsetting and as a person who was not an A, I truly couldn't be as helpful to him as another recovering A could be.
I also understand that the changes you are experiencing in relationship to your daughter are painful. I went through some of those times of changes with my daughter and grandson, too. The program helped me accept what I couldn't change about some of their decisions and to change what I could by increasing my Al-Anon recovery work and choosing things to do that I thought I might enjoy or did enjoy once upon a time. I make sure to connect with my daughter who works a steady 6 days a week and is on call for 7 and set time up with my 15 yo grandson once a week with weather permitting. I know they are both needing to do what is necessary to build up their egos and create a life for themselves. I also know nobody can replace me for either of them just like no one could replace my parents or grandparents for me.
Keep coming back. The program works for us who aren't living with an active A and still need encouragement and support as we learn how to make changes that are right for us now. We don't always like those changes at first, but program work results in our being less lonely and more understanding of our sober As, too. We can't change them. We can change our attitudes and ourselves.
I write this because I've been a bad friend and daughter over the years. The minding our own business part doesn't mean to me that we can't pick up the phone and say hey, darling I miss you and the kids, how's life? It does mean we hold back on saying, darling your husband is riding a rainbow and I think he's manipulating your vulnerability. It would concern me too if my daughter isolated. A lot of what ifs come into play. Its good she has her sponsor. Maybe you could find a light topic to talk about? I know I have only realised how dropping off the face of the earth is actually hurtful to the ones who care about me, at 33. Truly I never realised how not maintaining friendships was akin to not watering plants. Until I read on this board about how it affected people to have loved ones like me. Its an ongoing amends for me. Back to your daughter, we can always tell when our moms are upset. Sometimes we try hide ourselves to avoid the touchy feely stuff. I'd suggest going in with something light, regular brief chats, she may open up when times right if need be.
WOW..did i see that right??? TWO kids drinking??? one in AA???? if i am correct, the only esh i have right now is her sponsor is her life line....everyone in recovery who has a good sponsor turn to them, the meets, the literature, and any board they might belong on......parents usually are not consulted about recovery issues, b/c i know for me, my family was toxic...they were the LAST ones i would go to....but even if they were healthy, some of my issues are too close to home and family members just are not good resources for clarity, the steps, the program b/c they just dont understand it unless they are there...and even then....two people working recovery, its a separate journey from family...yea, they might share some stuff, but essentially recovery is a REAL personal issue and like for me, my sponsor knows it all....b/c SHE is in recovery...i have one other BFF who is in recovery and i share equally, pretty much , with her....my other close loved ones, even tho they know a lot, there is just SOME stuff i keep for the recovery rooms......it is just best for me...
so be glad daughter is in recovery and does have a sponsor and sorry you have two of them and yea, addicts are selfish...its part of the territory.....they only want u when they need enabling......
if i were you, i would get into face to face meets, sort out how you can care for YOU and YOUR wants/needs, and let the kids to their own lessons...you can't do anything anyway, but you can help you.....yea, it must be horrible having two of them, i feel for ya, but al-anon and the meetings, steps, and getting your own sponsor and posting/reading here can relly help you turn your life around to one of serenity and peace.......IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Dear Joan Lee, welcome to Miracles in Progress. You have received powerful responses to your heart felt posting and all I wanted to do was to assure you that you are not alone and that Al-Anon has tools that will help you to recover from living with the disease of alcoholism.
I'm sorry that you were unable to find groups that you are comfortable in at your new location and would urge you to try once again. Living with the disease of alcoholism affects us in a very destructive manner and it is urgent that we break the isolation caused by this disease. I know you are conceerned for your daughter however it is important to first recover yourself so you can be a support to her.
Face-to-face meetings helps to do that. Developing new tools to live by is also extremely important so that keeping the focus on ourselves, living one day at a time, acting and not reacting are all new ways of living and thinking that can be supported and learned by attending meetings. After a while you'll discover that you have within yourself a well of courage serenity and wisdom that will help you to rebuild a constructive relationship with yourself and be supportive of your family.
We also have online meetings here two times a day that are very beneficial that you might try.
Please keep coming back you're not alone.
The only thing that worked for me was the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I heard and excepted many things when I first found the doors to Al-Anon much of it true and applying to my without asking for help from others. I came to understand for me that only God could do for me what I could not do for myself and that it was the God of Recovery...the Higher Power of Al-Anon and AA who could lead me to serenity and sobriety if I would but surrender and trust. That's what I was told it would take and that is what I learned how to do. A sister in recovery once said, "My only problem is me and my only solution is God"...I will never forget that and so now I am never alone with the me that caused me so much trouble.
Alcoholism and drug addiction has pretty much destroyed my family and not so much my life anymore. They too have their choices and consequences and I have my freedom and serenity. I have no fantasy or denial that the life that I have and the people in it are supposed to be how I demand or desire they be. That today isn't even near rational. It is what it is and my life is what I choose it to be...not perfect just very much better than it use to be when the disease of addiction raged thru it. Thank you God, Al-Anon, MIP and AA. Keep coming back. In support. (((((hugs)))))
My mom & are far apart in miles but we never totally lost. I hear what you are saying. You will never lose your daughter. HP is taking care of you & her too.
