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Ok, so I keep worrying about the future, mostly financial. I know that divorcing is the right answer for my marriage but I also know that my earning potential is not that great right now because I have been out of the work place for 16 years. I just completed the worksheets provided to me by the lawyer for a monthly budget as a single mom. Let's just say it's overwhelming. My food expenses alone are around $1000 a month and I'm not kidding when I say that my son can eat me out of house and home! My rental and all the expenses surrounding it come up to about $1800 a month but all the other little things really add up: cell phone (just for me, my son will stay on his dad's account), cable (which I will cancel after the first year because they sort of offered me a deal for 12 months), internet, health insurance (I forgot that I am required by law to carry my own policy and that is actually quite expensive), auto insurance (eek!), etc. After working the budget sheet I came up with expenses around $4500 a month!!!
Now, I know that AH will have to pay child support and will probably pay spousal maintenance, but still that's a huge chunk of change. I am putting feelers out there for jobs, trying to stay positive, etc. I know that it will all work out but right now I am over my head and working hard to take things one day at a time! Please tell me I can do this and that I won't be living under a bridge a year from now! Fear is here and I am working very hard to kick it to the curb, to accept it as fear and to face it, and to turn it around to faith.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Adromeda You can do this !!!. I do understand that looking at the numbers can be discouraging, Had I done that when my hubby passed ,I would have collapsed from fear and negative projections. Trust the process and HP You will handle this one day at a time..
Remember the 11 th Step--- pray only for HP's will and the power to carry it out .You will receive the power and means to do this.
before the crash of 2008, i was making bet. 50 - 60k per year as controller for a decent sized construction company/property management........then the crash....
I had to cut waaay back....back to basics..simple foods, buy in bulk, shop auto insurance for the best buy, cut back on cable, kept internet, LUCKILY , i had savings enough to pay everything off..house, credit cards, etc., and had a bit left over.....i just had to go back to basics....i worked verizon for free phones in exchange for 2 year contracts.....
it was a life changer, but i did it...I am getting by...even able to stash a couple of hundred per month in svgs.....its amazing how much extras we have that we don't need when we really look...budget killers i had a bunch of them......when i need nice clothes for my part time work, i go to goodwill instead of the places i used to shop....
i became humble real fast....not saying this is what will work for you, but that is what i did for me....i just eliminated the non essentials....its tough, but with a bit of writing stuff down, monthly expenses and seeing what can be "done over" I worked a decent budget.....
why not wait and see what happens while you do all you can do to take care of you....Ex will have to pay support , your lawyer , hopefully can work a good deal for you.......AND, i would get my resume done up , get some help with it b/c no doubt you will have to work.....don't know what your line of work is, but whatever it is, to find work, one must be persevering......net work through friends and aquaintences, craigs list is a good place to put a resume.....spreading the word anyway you can......
Do all you can do and then turn it over......hold yourself in the present so your not obsessing about the numbers and the future.....there usually, 99% of the time a solution...a way out of this....you just gotta trust in your best within you and your maker......you didn't come this far to fail.....it will be tough....but it will be ok.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You"ve got this! You can totally do it. Living more frugally is a life skill like any other and a little practice and it will be second nature. If you read the threads over at the Forum at Mr. Money Mustache (http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/), there are lots of "Case Studies" posted by people who want to live more cheaply, and there are lots of good tips. (The commenters don't pull their punches, though, so you have to brace yourself if you want to post your own budget (anonymously of course)). There are threads on how to cook cheaply, drive cheaply, etc. etc., and even if you don't subscribe to the total frugality ethos, as I don't, they have lots of tricks and tips. I also swear by the Budget Bytes cooking site - yum. http://www.budgetbytes.com/
From all this I've gotten inspired to get our food budget down to $200 when I'm very mindful, and around $400 if I'm not. I also have a teenage son who devours everything within sight. He literally eats a loaf of bread a day. At full supermarket prices (in our area) of $4 per loaf, that's $120 a month just on bread. If I look out for the sales and get bread at the typical sale price of $2 per loaf, putting the extras in the freezer, that's $60 on bread. If I make my own with the bread machine (which you can get extra-cheap at estate sales, Craigslist, Goodwill, etc. - mine was a hand-me-down), it's around 40 cents per loaf, plus he eats less because it's a hassle for him to cut each slice by hand. I buy the yeast in bulk, not in those tiny envelopes. So at half a loaf a day that's around $6 per month for bread! When I apply those tricks to a bunch of things, I feel like Superwoman.
Of course getting set up is going to be pricier than it will be down the line. It seems to me that worrying about all this shows that you're on top of things and planning ahead. The ones who don't worry and plan, but just plunge in and spend until they run out and all heck breaks lose - those are the A's.
Andromeda: You've received very good e/s/h and program tools from both Betty and Neshema and I just saw Mattie's:
I'm going to throw in a little driving talk. If I am driving a car, it is important for me to keep my eyes on the road ahead of me and my vision must also take in what is happening on both sides of me and behind me. Most of my focus has to stay on the road and cars ahead of me. If I continually nurse the fear that I could cross the center line and hit another car head on, my focus is going to go to the center line and the cars coming towards me on the left. I will cross the center line and do exactly what I feared because that is where I focused my attention.
You are going to get a job. You may have to cut back more than you'd like. You are still going to make it because you can keep your attention focused on what you need to do for you and for your son. The chattering committee in our heads wants nothing more than the same ole-same ole. We don't have to pay any attention to it. We can use our tools instead. I learned that the only way I could keep going was by believing in myself, trusting God, turning my life into God's care every day, and asking for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out. I meant what I said. God never let me down. We didn't have a lot of luxuries and we didn't go without everything we needed to live. We were provided for one day at a time.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 30th of January 2015 07:46:53 PM
Andromeda "Attitude" is huge when setting up the paradigm you will follow. The enabler's and Al-Anon's attitude is most always "I can" and that comes from our experiences which have us as survivors. Attitude I learned is the position I take regarding my involvement in anything. Why did I marry the alcoholic/addict? because I felt I could be a benefit in her life and even she confirms that I was though the marriage didn't survive. Yes I need information and support for any endeavor I want to go into that I don't have as much experience at and then just like participating in meetings and here at MIP that is just what happens and I end up saying to myself "See...I Can do it". I accept that the opposite of fear is love...I do along with an attitude of gratitude and attitude of love which so drastically reduces the pressure and self doubt. With all of the assets available to me today it is so much easier to reduce the attitude and emotional attitude of fear to zero. You can turn it off and do need to have all the answers in yourself at all times. Love Andromeda as your HP and your supporters do and stay in program. (((((hugs)))))
I know you can do this. I know I made some big changes and learned to scale back from wants to needs. I would rather plan ahead and shop for everything frugally than live in material comfort but emotional havoc any day. I did it with 2 kids and I know you can do it as well. Take a deep breath and take small bites chewing thoroughly before letting the next bite enter your mind. It can be overwhelming and life changing, but it's for the best right? Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there in no time. Sending you love and support on this journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well, right now I'm kinda feeling put off. I asked around at the meeting to try to find people to help me move. Most folks are too busy or want me to do it over the weekend on the 14th or 15th. I wanted to move out officially on the 12th mainly because AH will be traveling that week so it keeps him out of my hair. He seems to want to help me and offered to help....ummm, no thanks. I called a moving company and they weren't too expensive. I know that I can do most of the small stuff myself but I can't lift the bookcases, the desk, or the bed and couch. Other than that I think I can do it all, LOL. Typical Al Anon, right, I think I'm superwoman. I know I should keep asking....
UGH...and I got totally ticked off at our business meeting tonight and tried to accept a group conscience about something and then a friend from the meeting called me at 10 PM wanting to tell me something about her concerns with the meeting and how I was treated by others. Long story short, I made a suggestion, I offered to accept a service position, and then someone else nominated another person for the role and, after the group voted when we left the room, he accepted the nomination. A few folks came up afterwards and said stuff like, "For what it's worth, I voted for you because you brought up the topic and offered to be of service." It's just weird that I offered to help out, I came up with a very valid idea based on the fact that the whole group of 15 people sitting there wanted to vote on it, and then they nominated someone else and voted against me. Go figure.
Anyway, I'll get over it. As my friend said when she left the message, "It was just weird, Bonnie, call me in the morning..."
I've got bigger fish to fry than dealing with people's preferences in my meeting so I will move on and keep working on trying to find help moving, LOL!
Thank you all for the support!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Could be your HP has other plans for you than filling this particular service position? I agree you have bigger fish to fry then other people's preferences and like your decision to keep looking for moving help. Those "weird" things that have happened in my life have ended up being blessings for me in ways I didn't recognize at first. Glad you found a moving company for a reasonable price. The upcoming move must feel surreal to you from time to time? Prayers for you and your family as you do what you can to make the upcoming move as simple and smooth as possible for you and your son with the help your HP.
I think that moving on a day that is best for you, with a moving company, instead of relying on others is the next right action. I am happy that you acted on the still small voice within.
As far as a Business Meeting is concerned, the Second Tradition states; "For our group purpose, there is but one authority, a loving God, as He expresses himself in our group conscience . Accepting this Tradition enables me to maintain the unity of the group and let go of my own personal agenda.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Budgeting is good, but don't lose your optimism and focus on doing what's in front of you. First things first. You will have child support and spousal support putting a dent in it. You might want to redo your resume and add that you have been a teacher for 16 years. I have seen resumes with that on it and knew that the person was home schooling but it was certainly a job you had and it does show adaptability and creativity...and all sorts of other things because you were not just home schooling, but home schooling a special needs child. Anyhow, I am familiar with anxious thinking. As I wrote about recently, obsessive thinking is something I work on. It has not revolved around "how will I make ends meet?" but other things. I used to catastrophize a lot. I don't have that brand of anxiety as much now and am really grateful. I hear some of that going on with you and wish I could somehow just get you to stop, but I am thinking you are on your path now and your desire to move forward is outweighing these fears anyhow. Keep your faith.
My thoughts are with you Bonnie. One foot in front of the other, one step
At a time, do the next best thing, do your part and trust your HP. That got
Me thru the worst of it. I reach out for support all the time,grieve my losses
And be gentle and kind to myself. I do not expect more of myself than i can
Do or give. I am an imperfect human in great distress and pain. I need help,
Comfort and love. Only reach out to loving supportive people they will help
You on your healing Journey.
Thanks Mark, I will definitely have that on my resume! I think I am going to use the moving company because I really don't have much for them to move. I am going to be buying bedroom furniture for both my son and for me. That is the price we have to pay for me giving up my master bedroom furniture from this house and for leaving my son's bedroom furniture behind. My son picked out what he wanted and we found some clearance pieces that mix and match well at a local furniture store. It's going to run me about $2000 for all the pieces but it will be done and complete and I won't have to have movers move it, LOL, since it will all be delivered.
And, yes, what it's come down to is this: the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving. So, fear goes out the window because I know it's the right thing to do.
As for my meeting, I know that I accepted what was in the best interest of the group. I was more at peace with it than I think others were, because it must have been a close vote. I kind of wish folks hadn't said anything to me because then I would have blown it off more easily. I have too much going on and, yes, I did see this as my HP stepping in and saying, "You've got enough on your plate girl....I'm giving this to someone else."
Thanks everyone for the support. I am heading out to go buy used chairs for my kitchen, going to buy a used dog door for the patio slider, and then picking up some money that a friend was holding for me for the past few years. Then, I will relax and spend the day with friends later.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Wow- reading your post takes me back to the time when I decided to separate from my AH and proceed with filing divorce papers. Now, at that time, almost four years ago, my kids were finally all out on their own, so it was just me to worry about. When I put it all down on paper, I was both hopeful and scared. But somehow, it all worked out. I had to cut back on some things that I had grown accustomed to like all the upgrades on cable, going out to dinner a lot, pedicures twice a month, low deductible health plan and a non-HMO, vacations out of town, etc. But staying with my AH just to have all of these comforts was in no way worth the heartache, anxiety and anger that I would have continued to have if I stayed with him.
That first year was tough, but I learned so much about budgeting, couponing, bartering, cooking new recipes, finding deals, and the importance of friends and family. It was a great life lesson and even though things are much improved now, I still like to be creative with saving money and finding inexpensive ways of doing things and buying the things that I want/need. I'm a much more savvy consumer through all of this. And I can now manage a budget like a pro- LOL!
You've got this! Give it up to your HP- that's what worked for me. He did not let me down.
Your walkjng through all your fears, one by one. Your courage is shining through your posts andromeda. Just think about all the lovely rewards coming your way. I remember the feeling of drivi g home to my new flat with no a, that felt so good instead of the dread. Also, just having a bit of fun, playing music, having a laugh without the big downer always turning things sour. It just gets better and better. Keep going, your doing great.
Financial stress and "loss of lifestyle" were huge hurdles for me and kept me caught like a deer in the headlights for a long time. My A wasn't working or supporting me in any way, he was just covering half of the rent with his unemployment benefit and paying for half of the internet and electricity, still, leaving that comfortable shared financial situation was difficult and frightening and I resisted for a long time.
I wasn't working, just receiving a student allowance and I could not comprehend how I would rent a place on my own and cover all of the bills alone and still cover my daughters monumental schooling costs with that. The figures were impossible.
Yet somehow it is working. I picked up some work that more than covers the shortfall, I seem to have enough and I do not feel anywhere near as financially stressed as I did when was relying on A to pay his share. In my mind I was going to have to give up study, give up having a life and just work my life away in a minimum wage job and live hand-to-mouth if I went out on my own. My projections were awful. The reality has been very different. It's working out OK, my money is mine alone and I have absolute say in how it is distributed. I feel less driven to compensate myself with gifts and treats too; when I lived with A I was forever needing to reward myself I think, now that I know no-one is going to squander my money I feel happy being more frugal and knowing that it won't be taken from me. I think when I was living with A, I felt a bit like I had to spend it fast before he could get his hands on it.
I don't know if that rings any bells for you as our situations are quite different but I do know that i was sure that separating from him would mean poverty, constant unrewarding work and a complete loss of lifestyle. The reality is much, much nicer. Like you have shared about yourself, I am very good at managing money and being free to do that without an A messing it up constantly is pretty good.
You will be just fine, and probably a lot better than fine.
Also never mind about having been out of the workforce for a long time. Me too, I hadn't worked a "proper" job for almost 12 years and had only worked in A's business, when he still had one. The right work came up for me. Take a leap of faith, if you want to. It'll be alright. Good even.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
No ESH just sending support approaching same situation - it's not easy to separate after so many years from anyone i assume but doing it with someone who's unpredictable and unrational is too much! One day at a time, or one minute sometimes!
I understand. i am starting a new job soon because I need more money. the one thing that I thought sounded really expensive was your food expenses. wow. $1000 a month for just two of you? Do you have Costco near you or any kind of cheaper store for food like Food Maxx? I bet that amount could be less. especially if you dont eat out. It is hard. I hope you can find a good job...just take one step at a time. Ive been on my own for almost a year without child support since July. I hear you. It will work out somehow.
NLG, I included eating out in our grocery budget. My teen can eat me out of house and home as an athlete and just as a kid, LOL. I need to make multiple burgers (he eats 3 at a time), etc. He can't just eat one yogurt or have one food bar, everything is multiples. And, because of our schedule we do eat out a lot but I hate the idea of eating dinner after 8 PM. It's usually something like Rubio's or Chipotle or Panera Bread, but still it adds up. It's not like we eat out at sit down restaurants and pay servers.
Anyway, I will absolutely have to find ways to trim that expense because it really is high. Although my mom said her food budget is $500 for two adults and she grows her own food (mostly berries, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, corn, apples, persimmons, etc) and she raises her own chickens and then kills them and keeps them in the freezer for the year. They shoot deer on their own property and eat that for protein too, so her food budget only includes salmon as far as meats go and she said she buys ground turkey. She said she could see how easy it would be for me to get to $1000.
I, too, hope I can find A JOB. I just need to get my foot in the door yet I also have to make sure I don't short change myself and take something below my earning potential. Lots of things on my plate right now.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
