Boyfriend of 4 years-and the father of my child-leaves me while in recovery - Al-Anon Family Group

DW1081 · Member

Boyfriend of 4 years-and the father of my child-leaves me while in recovery

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear DW

welcome to MIP and I am reading your post and, yea, I get it..It hurts to be dumped...especially when you have a child, but I think, reading his "rap sheet" here, I think for the sake of you and the baby this was really for the best.....I know,..You put 4 years into him and to be left for another woman never feels good...even tho it is truly a blessing and you will see this when you work alanon for a while

are there any fac2fac meetings near you??? i hope so b/c the impact he has had on your psyche is immense...thank god the young child is too young to really be scarred by this behaviour, doping, crimes committed, etc......

I would get into as many face to face alanon meetings and I would discover myself, and why I would think that this is the best I can do.......You cleaned up your act...are you in AA meets??? if not you will still be sober, yes, but still afflicted with the "isms" of alcoholism...I applaud you for staying clean as long as you have....that shows strength....adn strength you are gonna need b/c this boyfriend is a train wreck looking for a place to destroy....trust me...addicts of this type, who go to their next "fix" in a new girlfriend, is not serious about cleaning up his life and being a dad to his child......

you are 100% powerless over his drugging, crimes, and his choices....whether or not he recovers is totally out of your hands, but YOU can fix YOU.....alanon is for us....Not the addict.....alanon is to save us.....

I strongly suggest you find some face to face meetings in your area....you qualify for AA as well as alanon....Many A's come to alanon b/c they, even tho THEY drank, they were impacted by parents or friends or partners who drank and impacted them, so many A's and alanons "cross over--go back and forth" b/c they need both parts of this program to help themselves......

if you can't find any face to face meets we have them here 2x per day on line..but i would go to face to face ones and i would find a sponsor and focus on myself...not the addict

Time to leave him to his own devices and work on you....alanon is the place to do that......keep coming back...this program really really works.......i hope u give it a chance.....your child needs a healthy and nurturing mother who is focused on herself and her needs so she can be the best possible mom to this baby!!!

PEACE

DW1081 · Member

I realize that I need to work on myself and that this is the best choice for my daughter and for me. I do agree that I need some mental help, sue to this unhealthy destructive relationship and I learned about al anon and I want to do everything in my power to move on and do what's right for my daughter first and foremost! I am not aware if they have meetings in my area.... I do prefer face-to-face meetings, I guess I am just a lost where to find out?? do you have any suggestions on how to find out? I suppose LifeSkills would have this information....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

DW1081 wrote:
I realize that I need to work on myself and that this is the best choice for my daughter and for me. I do agree that I need some mental help, sue to this unhealthy destructive relationship and I learned about al anon and I want to do everything in my power to move on and do what's right for my daughter first and foremost! I am not aware if they have meetings in my area.... I do prefer face-to-face meetings, I guess I am just a lost where to find out?? do you have any suggestions on how to find out? I suppose LifeSkills would have this information....

Hi...I am SO glad you see this as it is and understand that yea, its time to LET THIS GO......I got on line and surfed alanon groups in my area...and you can get on a main alanon site and enter your state, city, etc., and they give listings of the places where they have meets........I like that you want to move on and do what's right for daughter....I applaud you for that....seems to me , yea, u r hurt, but you see this dreadful situation as it is......face to face are great and hopefully you will get into a good room, and find a sponsor......we are here for you ok?? you are NOT alone in this.....don't feel badly about yourself that you got into this....with some "tune up" work on you, and learning how to really love and value yourself, you won't open the doors to guys like this...your higher power is looking after you...he/she wants waaaay better then this very very sick man could ever do for you....really...his leaving you??? the creator of the universe was looking out for you.....he/she has a FAR better plan for you and your baby..........i know others will weigh in and reply to you....this is a great group...

read some of the posts and surf the site....lots of wisdom here...loads of love and support.....we can guide and encourage, but you have to want recovery...crave recovery b/c we can only guide and give our experiences....the work and desire has to come from you......reading what u said above, tells me you are ready to have a good life...one with hope and respect and EQUALITY in your relationshps.................PEACE

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello DW,
welcome to MIP and a huge congratulations on your sobriety. I am happy that you found us and had the courage to reach out for support and the honesty to share your story.

I am sorry that you are encountering the insanity of alcoholism, but alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease over which are powerless

Step four, that your partner is working on, asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This means that he is looking inward at the wreckage of his past and becoming accountable. At this point that's all that is asked of us and it is a huge step.

It appears that after he had looked at what had transpired and he elected to try to end the connection with you, rather than walk through the entire process. It is hard to understand why people do what they do however the best thing for you to do for yourself and your child is to search out a recovery program for yourself.

Al-Anon is that program. It was founded by the wife of the founder of AA after he became sober. She discovered that she was full of anger resentment, self pity and fear and needed to recover herr true self.

Al-Anon Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and it is here we learn to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, learn to live one day at a time focused on ourselves, while we receive support and understanding from others walking the same path.

I notice that you are from Kentucky and here is a link to Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in that location
\
www.kyal-anon.org/alalist.html

Please search them out and attend. Also please keep coming back here you are not alone

DW1081 · Member

Thank you so much for your thoughts and insight. I have been battling this even before my beautiful daughter. In fact, before her, it was much, much worse! I moved out of my own apartment, with him still there, when she was a little over 6 weeks old. However, my ability to completely detach was and has been mere impossible. I did go to counseling for about a month, but I stopped going. I do not know why to be honest. I did do better with not enabling him and etc....and I have pretty much found the answer I truly needed. Not to be negative, he is never going to change. His intentions of rehab are to stay out of jail and not face his consequences. I guess my most hurt is I feel like Ive lost so much and wasted so much time. I am thankful that my daughter came along, as IDK where I would be right now! I AM going to look into the face-to-face meetings! Im serious about recovery!!!!!!

DW1081 · Member

Thank you hotrod for your response. it hurts that he seems to not feel it necessary to follow through with the whole process of making amends w/me. i feel like deserve it! any insight on why he may do that? i will also check into the link you sent me!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. Neshema and Betty gave you great shares and guidance. In all of this mess, I can see your devotion to having a better life for you and your daughter. I heard you answer your why question before you asked it...he is looking for his next enabler and to not face consequences and he knew with you, the gig was up. Take that as a compliment smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Welcome to MIP. Both Neshema and Hotrod have offered you the finest our program has to offer to newcomers. I have nothing to add to their shares at your original thread and the following ones. With your newest thread, I did want to share that my experience with several recovering As is that often they haven't made formal amends to me. They might make amends with others in the form of changed attitudes and behaviors. I used to think they owed me an amends, but I learned that the person who could and should make the most amends was me to/with me. Al-Anon helped me start that process and continue it. I haven't made direct amends with/to every person I have harmed with my own sick self but I have made progress by changing my own attitudes and behaviors if not with the original people I harmed, then with other people my HP introduced me to when it was time. I often thought of myself as the person who had been victimized by others. I learned that I had victimized myself in many ways - not because I was a bad person - but because that killer alcoholism/addiction had a hold on me that was invisible to me. Sitting in the rooms of the Al-Anon program consistently and getting help from other supports and resources helped me see my need to focus on myself and my own issues and leave the other people in my life free to do what they would with their lives. I couldn't do anything about them. I could do something about me.

I'm glad you are willing to consider the program as a help for yourself. It can make a big difference for you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you already came to the conclusions that I was going to say. Mainly that you are right: His actions do not make sense for someone in recovery. AND...the reason for that is that he isn't really in recovery. It sounds like he is deeply manipulative, a user, has a criminal mindset, and simply does what is convenient to get what he wants and to avoid the consequences. This is not someone functioning under the same operating system (using computer lingo analogy) as you. He does not have the moral development or values that you do. It's not going to make sense....I agree that Alanon will help you much to process and let go and also to better know your own worth and to avoid committing/chasing after/trying to change guys that are not available to you in ways you want.

*Side note: Steps 8 and 9 are where people make amends. Step 4 is a searching and fearless moral inventory that the person makes for themselves. Step 5 is where they share that inventory with another person but they (or we because the steps are basically the same in alanon) share the inventory with another person - typically someone they trust but someone objective and not a romantic partner or family member. Most addicts/alcoholics don't ever really get to step 8 because they have an inability or no desire to really look at themselves honestly. Hence, they stay stuck on step 1 through 3 eternally until they have really had enough and are willing to truly get honest and change.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha D and welcome to the board...so much of your post made me feel sad...not a sadness for myself because like you I've been in recovery for a time and a sadness that the pain and insanity of this compulsive, incurable addiction continues to touch others very young and older together. I'm glad you are hear and express the willingness and courage to continue healing for yourself. You cannot cure your alcoholic/addict and there is no value in trying to judge a person with a life threatening disease as if they were normal and know better. A chemical owns him and everything he thinks, feels and does. Your boyfriend is an addict and his life belongs to the consequences of his using. As I look at the choices that we have because of this disease; insanity and/or death I can rightly say that he is and to a degree also you are dealing with the insanity however you have stopped drinking and using and therefore are not near death as a consequence of the chemicals we used as he is.

You're doing the right thing reaching out and asking for help for "D"...it is important that she continue to live and then maybe become an example for others who want to do the same. Good on you...grateful that you're here to show us that "Courage is fear that has said its prayers" (from our literature...the ODAAT). Stick with us...keep coming back. Another way to find a meeting and the Family Groups is looking in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon. (((((hugs))))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you found MIP and are interested in face to face meetings, they saved my sanity. Keep coming back, with al-anon my life changed so much for the better. You are so worth it and so is your daughter, this program works when you show up for yourself! The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Dress was also very helpful for me in my early recovery. Sending you much love and support on your journey!

DW1081 · Member

Thank you for your response. I am very new to seeking out in this avenue. I actually never went to rehab. I guess I found a way to stop with the help of God and my family and individual conseling. I was ready and willing to change. However, I did fall into this relationship with him at a very vulnerable time.

I do not judge the father of my child, I am just hurt and resenting him and that is why I am here. I feel horrible about myself because I allowed such things to occur in my life and now I must raise my daughter alone. I feel angry that I am not the one to help him along on his journey....which I know that there is NOTHING I can do and it breaks my heart. He is confiding in and with another woman that is recovering as well and has only known for 2-4 weeks! I realize that I allowed the chaos in my life. It was a choice that I made. I am just fresh at trying to get to the bottom of ME and Heal ME in order to maintain a healthy psyche to reflect on my daughter.

It just hurts. I don't understand how I was left for another person that is just as sick. And I don't understand why? but as previous posts mention, he is using this person for rides and money and sex. Its just sad! I know my will to stay sober and what is important in my life. My child is my number one reason for being on here now, reaching out for help to overcome and let go! I know that it is out of my hands and the importance of maintaining myself and taking care of myself is urgent. My daughter needs me!

DW1081 · Member

Thank you for your encouraging words! I will definitely check out the book you are suggesting.

DW1081 · Member

also, it is very encouraging to see that I am not the only one! I have felt so alone for sometime.....now I see that there are many, many more who have suffered through similar things. I have looked up where there are some face-to-face meetings and I found some that are only 20 minutes away. My only concern is that some of the people he used to run around with will probably be there and it makes me feel uneasy. Is that crazy that I feel that way? I may drive a little further down the road to go to some meetings.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Even if the folks he ran around with are there, they are there for the same reason you will be. Of course, there is the option of going to other meetings, too. We always suggest attending at least 6 meetings before you decide if the program is for you. Some folks go to different meetings. Others just go to the same one. It all depends on where you feel most comfortable. On the subject of being angry at yourself - well, that is an option, too, but seems to me that you did the best you knew to do at the time. Now, there are some new developments in this relationship and it appears to me that you are making some new changes in your favor and in your daughter's favor, too? You can't do anything about the past. It is over. But, you can heal and grow and create a new life for yourself and it appears that you started that new life today. Sounds like pretty sound thinking to me.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The person he is with....they will be using together in no time. I guarantee. This probably doesn't make you feel better but I just was hoping you aren't thinking he's choosing to recover with help from.another. You said he's with someone else recovering...Not really. What they are doing isnt recovery. From all you stated, it doesn't seem like he, she, or they will be recovering much for a while.. Hoping your pain subsides...I know it hurts. We are here for you.

karma13 · Senior Member

I just want to share as a former relationship addict...for me addiction is a funny thing. I used my relationships many times to avoid dealing with myself and looking to hard at my codependency and addiction. Please understand it is about him, his issues have nothing to do with you. He may be using the new fresh relationship and excitement of that to keep his mind off his addiction of drugs. I injured a lot of people in my addictions, including myself. At the time I thought nothing of it as that was just the way I had always been. Growing up in a alcoholic home, I was extremely selfish and thought only of myself. Through working the steps, I became very honest with myself. I highly recommend trying some face to face Alanon meetings. You are not alone in what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

DW1081 · Member

Karma13, thank you for your response! This coming week I will be attending my first meeting. I also have a friend that is going as well w/ me for even more support. She also had a similar situation, but is married to the man(he will be serving 6 years in prison). I pray and hope that I can get past the past and work on myself. The insanity of it all is that I want answers that I cannot receive! This program is going to be my chance to heal & better myself, for the sake of my daughters future & my own!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dawn,

There are still things I don't have answwers to. I found that going to meetings and applying the principles, working the steps, has helped me to let go of the need to know those unknowable things. We pray the Serenity prayer, God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

After a while the wisdom to know the difference helped me to understand that there are things I cannot change, which include those unknowable things, so I chalk them up under the acceptance portion. Who he is with, what he is doing, why he did this terrible thing, they just may become unimportant to you as you go through the steps.

Kenny

DW1081 · Member

I have a long road to travel. I just beat myself up wondering if I should have went and seen him and been more supportive. I was supportive the last 2 times he went to rehab (which failed miserably) and I was just another hurt and resentment to add to my list. I felt from a distance was my best option this time, considering my baby.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience you cannot be "supportive" to a person who is hell bent on self-sabotage and ongoing bad choices. So even had you been "supportive" it would have been turned into enabling by him. Try not to second guess yourself. He did not find another support in this girl. He found another enabler the second you set some boundaries and that is pretty telling.

karma13 · Senior Member

I echo what pink chip said and as I told you earlier it's about him not about you. His behavior does not reflect on uou at all.You can only be responsible for yourself and that is freeing. The Alanon program will help you learn to take care of yourself and worry less about others choices. Blessings and prayers ;) I spent a lot of years living in the past and worrying about what ifs...I am at my best these days if I stay in just today.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned that I could not be supportive of my x, my son or other addicts and alcoholics in ways that were healthy for me. I don't like being around people who use and abuse alcohol, drugs and other people. I could be the Creator of the Universe (which, of course, I am not - I don't even draw stick people well) and my loved ones would keep on using and abusing. All the compassion and understanding in the world for them did me no good. I was responsible for myself and for the quality of my life. Active As and abusers were responsible for themselves. I no longer allow myself to get swept into that mindset that tells me the other person needs me and I must sacrifice all I want and need for myself because they are sick. My codependency issues included my HP first, others second and me third. When I reversed the order to HP first, me second and others third, it was amazing how many sick people and unpleasant experiences I no longer wanted in my life. I was used to one way relationships when I was third on my list of priorities. That's over now and I'm happy about that. If I forget the correct order, my thinking gets confused and my emotions start churning. It just takes a simple question - "Whose business am I in" most of the time to help me refocus on me and my business. Clarity and serenity generally return then.

Practicing HALT also helped a lot. I make sure to eat, not to let anger/fear get the best of me, make time for friends - and I've added home hobbies to that safeguard against loneliness, and resting when I am tired rather than to push, push, push past my own fatigue.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 1st of February 2015 12:19:57 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 1st of February 2015 12:51:17 PM

DW1081 · Member

I feel so blessed right now to have everyone's responses. Thank you all so much and I am looking very forward to taking a good hard look at myself to heal and move past this insane way of thinking and feeling! You are all a blessing!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
In my experience you cannot be "supportive" to a person who is hell bent on self-sabotage and ongoing bad choices. So even had you been "supportive" it would have been turned into enabling by him. Try not to second guess yourself. He did not find another support in this girl. He found another enabler the second you set some boundaries and that is pretty telling.

I 100% agree.....he is hell bent on self destruction, there is ZERO anyone can do for him b/c bottom line---he is not interested in helping himself....life begins within...not the externals...externals should only be supplimental, supporters to what one already seeks within him/herself........being "supportive", i also agree....you would have ended up being frustrated, and upset over another failure which has nothing to do w/you.....the fact he went from you to her shows me he is only looking for instant gratification, not recovery, and for SURE, he is going from his "fix" on substances to a "fix" re: a new , exciting relationship......he wants another enabler....he smelled that his "meter" was running out w/you so its on to the next sucker.....really, thats what HIS thinking is...not that u r a sucker, but to them, people are to be used and to serve their wants, needs, etc, and never their own.......be glad he left.....hes a loser....a no win situation.....thank god you didn't marry this millstone......

karma13 · Senior Member

Remember you are always welcome to come back here and share or vent:) every day if you want ;) your baby is adorable by the way :) a true blessing

DW1081 · Member

smile thank u!

DW1081 · Member

its crazy how when someone else says it or puts the truth out there, how much more sense it makes! Ive been telling myself for a very long time all of these things about him! Time to get my mind back! Thank you so much for all your responses and support! smile smile smile

smile smile

DW1081 · Member

I truly needed to hear This! thank you!

smile smile

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. I just wanted to tell you what helped me get out of 2 bad marriages was to focus on my beautiful girls. My children kept me going. Just try to focus on you and your cute daughter. you look so young, too...you dont need this chaos in your life. He is right, try to move on. Focus on what you need to make you happy. His problems are not your fault. I hope you can find a meeting. Keep coming back.

DW1081 · Member

To be honest Newlife girl, my daughter has saved my sanity. I honestly cannot say that I would see everything that I do now, if it weren't for her.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Exactly. Children help us see things differently. I hope things work out for you.

DW1081 · Member

VENT!!!!!Today is not going so well. I guess it is just part of moving on and the "grieving" process. I don't understand why I am so hell bent on being upset and angry with him for doing exactly what he has always done, except this time he has been honest about it. I was there through EVERYTHING and I have been pushed to the side like a piece of trash??!!! He hasn't even bothered to check on his daughter for almost 2 weeks now. I guess the truth hurts sometimes, he just doesn't care and never did and never will!! I was just a "survival" method and ended up with a child from him. I definitely learned my lesson!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dawn thanks for your vent. Acceptance of life on life's terms is the key to thriving ,while dealing with the disease of alcoholism.

I'm glad you felt you could connect and share and now I suggest that you make a gratitude and asset list so you can see all the goodness that you have within your grasp.

I would start with that beautiful little child in your arms as well as your obvious youth and beauty. Glad you are here

DW1081 · Member

Thanks hotrod. You are right, I do have plenty to be thankful for! I will take your advice and put it in writing.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Dawn...sometimes I feel like all I got out of my two marriages was 3 great children. I made mistakes by choosing the men I chose, but my children are no mistake...thats for sure. They are sometimes wiser than I am....hang in there. Even though your daughter is still a baby, try to look at this as showing her the right way to take care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for moving on without him. Your daughter will respect your decision as she grows older.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

You said: I feel horrible about myself because I allowed such things to occur in my life and now I must raise my daughter alone. I feel angry that I am not the one to help him along on his journey..

YOU sound like ME, you sound like a natural born al anon... a person who is born to take the blame of others, to seek out pain though trying to "help" others and to feel hurt when other people don't want that "help"...

Maybe you were also a person who had issues with alcohol or drugs- I don't think that necessarily means that you were an alcoholic- a person with issues with drugs or alcohol can stop like you did, they can make good life choices and stay sober. A person who is truly an alcoholic can NOT stop without rehab and probably won't stop with rehab. It's a big long technical medical thing..

I have some really encouraging information to share: When I learned more about this thing of being an al anon that I am, after a time of adjustment.. I now feel like a really good person who needs to always be careful about my choices and needs al anon in my life still, but now has the tools and power to make good choice and use my caring nature to take care of myself and those who really deserve my care, like my children NOT like an Alcoholic or drug user or people user, I now often can identify people who are dangerous for my life.

The time you spent learning this, getting to this point was not wasted it was invested in your amazing future that your about to have!

There is so much light at the end of this tunnel and it is beautiful and never ending!

You have done the hard part...you have invested the years needed to see how you don't want to be, that is time well spent no matter how long it is!

your whole life is in front of you ENJOY!!! By the way.. my daughters were the biggest blessings in my life and raising them alone or with someone else no matter they saved my life- not the job of a baby, but they did..loving them and working to learn how to do this in a healthy way taught me and them so much that so many people who had not had my negative experiences might not ever have known to look for. I actually feel stronger because of my "mistakes" in life than a person who maybe had the more "traditional" family.

And just to speak of that beautiful wonderful light that showed me how to raise my daughters ( my higher power) .. I have two beautiful adult women who have good healthy stable relationships with others, wonderful work ethics, super strong sense of self that results in excellent decision making skills, they know how to interact well with others... they are the women I wish I could be someday all because of my higher power and his answers to my prayers for them...

My hope for you is that you will attend meetings, continue to develop a relationship with your higher power and forgive yourself and all this is so much easier when we don't wonder too much about "why" such as .. why the other person usually an A acted a certain way or even too much about "why" we did what we did- that information continues to come as it needs to, we learn this in time. Maybe we don't need to know that right now.

Live in today, do the next "right" thing as best you can just for today, and learn what you can that will help you for your future, I promise YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!

-- Edited by glad on Thursday 5th of February 2015 01:27:25 PM

-- Edited by glad on Thursday 5th of February 2015 01:36:56 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Not to be contrary, but I am truly an alcoholic and I stopped without rehab. It took a giant dose of AA that is still ongoing.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 5th of February 2015 01:26:15 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Real alcoholics can't stop without a full on surrender (perfect step 1), spiritual awakening, and an ongoing recovery program. Similarly, alanoners have trouble not relapsing into their behaviors without the same. Just my take.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.