The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was married to my XAH I used to really think I was special and unique because he only lied to me .. that was until I figured out that he lied to everyone it wasn't just me and honestly he couldn't tell the truth. That is obviously part of the distorted thinking on my part about my importance.
So today the X's reality and fantasy came crashing in on him and there are a few sad things going on .. first off his mom finally passed away and I say finally because she's been dying the past 20 years. I do mean that literally. By the end of her life her reality of what she was doing and what her obit said .. sooo sad. She was basically a shut in. Since 2007 she never left the house when her 2nd husband passed away. Her health rapidly deteriorated .. especially in the past few years. Sad .. no services .. I don't know if that was her request or the families and honestly that's a human curiosity as I worked at the funeral home she was buried at years ago.
The whole father's day fiasco of this past year was ridiculous. That's a whole other issue.
Ironically one of the things I did say at my Sunday meeting was your experience has been different with X than mine has been (I'm thinking ohhh honey you wait .. lol). My experience is his challenges with telling the truth. He is a habitual liar. That's a fact.
Today she reached out to me and wanted to know my current address (she left it at home and with everything going on obviously I understand). Well, she wants to know if I have been receiving my payments from the state for the last two months .. LOL! Umm .. maybe the last two weeks NOT the last two months. I did respond that way except the umm .. LOL. I started laughing to myself going ohhh boy .. I bet she now understands my mailbox fixation and is going what has been going on. Anyway, of course codie response from her do you know what he's given you .. my response actually no, this is something you need to discuss with X. (Me thinking burden of proof is on you .. not me). So she states she has records and again me thinking not my issue. She asked if the State had my current address umm DUH .. yes!
Biggest laugh was my last text .. this is why the uniform order of support needs to be in place it will avoid any confusion as to what is going on. I also let her know everyone has my current address .. (except her apparently .. LOL)
Another comment I had made was addicts do what is convenient for them not what the other person has asked .. if it fits then of course they will do it .. however if it's inconvenient to then of course they will do what they want as the rules do not apply.
This is an outline of what has not changed .. nothing has changed .. when I fool myself into thinking that he's ok .. then getting this message no .. my dear it is all the same. Sigh .. better someone else than me dealing with it.
They may last the long run .. however .. it will be interesting to watch. I just really wonder how much of what I said Sunday is ringing true for her today .. it is what it is ..
He will have to do some fast talking to say the least.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
He's been getting told by her should be paying child support .. he's been told mail it to the state like the court order states. He's been coming to my house dropping it off. Exactly what he's not suppose to do. I don't have a locked mailbox .. My mail comes after lunch .. So that means he's got access to my current mail. She found out today what's been going on and I'm sure is not pleased over what was said on Sunday. She also is realizing burden of proof is on him .. I'm not interested in doing her work. It's not my job.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm sure she thought I was nuts being focused on the mailbox issue Sunday until today came up lol .. I didn't say a word about anything .. I mean it is what it is .. I'm certainly glad he is proving my point. So I'll just let his actions do the talking.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Your post brings up the larger issue of pathological lying and why do alcoholics/addicts constantly lie? In this instance (from talking to you more) I know it is crafting some BS story to the new wife about your address not being right and then dropping stuff in your mail and coming around your house to intimidate you and snoop on you.
So why do addicts lie? I am borrowing this from AA and the big book (this is not alanon). This is read at every meeting of AA I have been to. It is called "How it works." Just thought some of you might find it interesting and/or useful. It was written like over 70 years ago I believe and is still true in my opinion today:
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
I absolutely love hearing that message Saturday meetings .. It is a stark reminder that not everyone can or will make it .. Many do and that is the miracle.
Pathological lying .. Sometimes I wonder how much is just sheer laziness and lack of ability to have the emotional connection empathy for someone else because it's all about them. I had a good girlfriend of mine mention how hard I am on him and I laughed to myself. Probably true .. After the many years of abuse that I did allow .. I teach others how to treat me. I'm harder on him than average because he takes a mile while an inch is given.
To my limited observation of him it's convenience as well as his way of holding a connection of some kind even though I have said no .. He needs me to say he's ok and the reality is .. He's not ok .. I'm not participating in his fantasy that he is .. That is a small part of a larger issue I no longer have to deal with.
Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
No contact with the kids since this happened .. I find that very telling. That was the other issue it was never to see the kids .. It was always random when I might be home.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I think my ex AH grew up practicing lying because he was always pretty timid, and his mother was harsh, and so he knew the only way to avoid her fury was to lie pretty much as a matter of course. Some of us have an aim of being more truthful and authentic in all our dealings, even if sometimes we get highjacked by our fears. But I think for people like him, telling the truth seems incredibly threatening, even if it seems like a straightforward situation. Telling the truth is not even their goal or ideal. If I asked my A, "Did you find that sandwich I left you?" he'd say "No" if he did and "Yes" if he didn't - just because lying always seemed like the safest course of action to him.
I think you're right, people like that are not going to change. And the more distance we can put between us and them, the saner we'll be.
Early in our marriage, I would hear my AH lie to people over the phone and I'd just think (silly me), "Well, at least he doesn't lie to me".....until he did. His own family warned me in various ways, through retelling of his childhood: he was a kleptomaniac before grade school came around, LOL. He was mean, aggressive, demanding, sarcastic to the point where he would deliberately hurt people with his words, etc and yet, I still married him...you know, because I was in LOVE! For pete's sake, I must have been wearing night shades or something because I was so blind. Forget those rose colored glasses....I was so deep in denial I couldn't see a thing!
Anyhoo...I went off topic. The first time I was ever shocked at AH's lying was when he truly lied straight to my face, no telling facial expression, nothing. I still get chills when I remember the situation because it was probably the first turning point in our marriage where I started to come out of denial and saw what I was truly married to.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
