The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have really been floundering in recovery and as a result I've been searching out information in all corners. I'm an information gatherer...if I have a problem I can solve it if I can just gather enough information. This trait has finally proven valuable in my personal life. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and was raised in a dysfunctional family. In my search for information on codependency and shame (thanks Grateful) I hit on the issue of abandonment and shame. I have read books and watched videos on Youtube by therapists willing to share their experience in dealing with these issues in clients and their own selves. What has been enlightening for me is hearing that I really had no control over my destiny, it was already set in stone because of who my parents were. That's not to say they are to blame, they had their own childhood issues that created the dysfunctional adults they became. We are attracted to dysfunctional partners because that is what we know and that is what we subconsciously seek in a relationship.
Abandonment issues are certainly at the core of my being and I didn't know that before. And so are shame issues. I have been trying to fix myself so I can be happier but I can't fix these issues and make them go away. I can only learn to recognize when people/situation's trigger these issues and try not to react, like I've always done. Learning about abandonment and shame issues has shown me I would have married my A no matter what. If not him...someone just like him. I was attracted to him, and he to me, because we both have issues and it was Karma. I wouldn't have ever married a nice guy raised in a nice, normal family. I was never attracted to those types and now I know why. One thought on who we pick as our partner is that we are subconsciously attracted to what we feel are the worst traits of our parents.
So here I am, a member of Al Anon trying to get my life together. I am so grateful for this board because without it I would not be where I am in my recovery trying to go it alone. Since my marriage started falling apart years ago, I have blamed everyone, my A, my parents, and myself. What was wrong with me that I chose my husband and he turned out to be a total loser? I thought I was marrying a nice guy who would treat me like his queen forever. Well, now I understand better why that story was destined to have a different ending. I can let go of blaming myself, blaming my A and blaming my parents. It won't do me any good. As Al Anon teaches, the way forward is to resign all of this to my higher power, realize this is how my life was going to play out and I can stop blaming myself for everything bad that has happened because there was no way I could have stopped the forces of nature. I can focus on recovery, face my issues and understand where they come from and learn to handle them. That is the way forward.
I can let go of blaming myself, blaming my A and blaming my parents. It won't do me any good. As Al Anon teaches, the way forward is to resign all of this to my higher power, realize this is how my life was going to play out and I can stop blaming myself for everything bad that has happened because there was no way I could have stopped the forces of nature. I can focus on recovery, face my issues and understand where they come from and learn to handle them. That is the way forward.
Dear Spur what a powerful share!!! I l ove how you processsed your concerns and the conclusion that you reached.
I agree 100% that the way through all this is to ACCEPT the reality of the events and thenmove forward with faith and trust in HP . Sharing the journey with like minded others is also essential.
Wow! You have made some powerful discoveries and now recognize some powerful ways to face your issues and grow stronger in integrity and peace. Powerful share, Spur. Thank you for writing your experience and what you've learned so articulately! I, too, realized that marrying my x was actually inevitable. It surprised me and it bolted me out of looking for the person or the deity to blame into looking for what would be most helpful to me now. (((S))) It appears you have decided that Al-Anon is the spiritual discipline that will be most helpful to you? Glad you did. Glad you're here.
Spur, when I read your post the first thing that came to my mind was 'acceptance'. Al Anon has taught me to live in the 'today' and to accept life on life's terms. I love this, it's from AA's Big book, but I know a lot of Al Anon folks use this for their own recovery:
Acceptance is the anwser to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be AT THIS moment.
NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, Happens in GOD'S WORLD BY MISTAKE.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Agree with the wisdom of the ladies that posted already. When I can do this, I feel more lighthearted and loving towards the people I had been holding in my dungeon for so many years. Well done.....
((((Hugs)))) to you Spur, this is a really insightful post that has given me an 'Ah-ha' moment.
Over the past few years, as I've been learning new ways of coping, I've had a sense of childhood occurrences and have wondered why they have come to mind at this time. I've had a sense of a learning curve in process and you have just helped me enormously with the 'why' question!
Great awareness and thank you for your post! I see great things coming through you already, what a recovery program at work. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
