The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When i think back to the person i was just a few short years ago, its amazing to me how much ive changed. I reached the stage where i was taking to my bed, everything was a crisis, i couldnt cope with anything, the negative thinking had taken a strong hold. I lived day to day in self pity, resenment, bitterness, anger, hopelessness and jealousy. I had no control over anything, my life, my teenage sons, finances. I stopped takjng responsibility for myself, i was a bit pathetic, i felt pathetic. I can see now that was surrender for me. I just gave up. when i look back at myself i no longer feel guilty or ashamed about how bad i had got. I feel compassion, im also glad i reached my bottom, it has turned out to be a gift.
The person i have became is the opposite, or maybe its the person i was too scared to be. I dont tolerate intolerable behaviour anymore. Im a grateful member of alanon. I get to take responsibility for myself in all ways. I decide what i do, what i think more and more. Im working on controlling my thoughts and bringing them into line with my behaviour and vise versa.
Its getting to the stage where i can see my short comings in myself, self pity, resentment, jealousy, anger, its getting easier to see them as they crop up and im getting better at not acting on them so my behaviour is better. My feelings arent facts and i like that, i get to just feel the emotion, let it pass and ask my hp to help me remove them or replace them with thoughts that are easier to live with.
What were you like then and how has alanon changed you?
I have been feeling like I am in a deep dark pit for some time now, and this has been brought on i think by a lot of things, my pityful self can say well it's because of my dry drunk husband, it's because of the bad choices my son keeps making. it's because of the narccist personalities I work with on a daily basis, I could and can blame anyone of those things and can and do dwell, the difference is now my inability to cope helped me to reach out and seek help outside of my own comfort zone and there is an awful lot of things I can do for myself to ease my angst, I am not good at reading and taking in information I need to watch to learn, and then practice, alanon is a very honest place with very real life experience the honesty is the truth for me, and often times I realise I am not being honest with myself in how I see and feel things, I need to be reminded constantly that how other people treat me is not a reflection of me I am a person in my own right and what ever i do and say is a true reflection of me, so I would like to think I am a better wife mother friend work collegue, I think I know now in myself when I do start to sink my old self is trying to operate me, it's hard work to go against that but it no longer works for me, so for me learning that I didnt know I didn't know was HUGE.
When I go back in memory to who I was before Al-Anon, I feel compassion for that woman who was severely depressed, afraid to say anything that was on her mind, full of hurt and fear and so jumpy it took nothing for her to numb up and go into her shell. The only thing that kept her going were her children - the reason she'd get out of bed, the reason she didn't end her life, the reason she did what she needed to do to care for them.
Today, I am a woman who does not get severely depressed, isn't afraid to say what is on my mind, not full of hurt and fear, and do not numb up. I still treasure my children and now my grandson, but I also value me and am grateful to my HP for all the ways I was loved and supported through those horrible times up to and including this day.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 28th of January 2015 05:21:24 AM
I am cross posting here el-cee, sorry, but this post is very dear to my heart, it's just so wonderful to see and hear people tell their stories, for a lot of us it's the first time we realised we are important too and that we are worth something, we have spent years care giving and neglecting ourselves, sadly it seems love from our parents or husbands or wives is not always forthcoming hence we are thrown into a cruel world where I know we set about trying to be loved when we have no clue how to love ourselves, it is hard to change it's scary but when we do we see that fear holds us back from better things to come, every one of our struggles can be used for the good, and collectively we are a force to be reckoned with, and I am an humble greatful member of this forum and I love you all to the moon and back xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxkkkkkkkkaty
Dear LC, thanks for sharing and the topic. I can so identify with the deeply embedded feelings of anger resentment and self-pity. When I first entered program I felt that those feelings were who I was and there was no way to rid myself of them. I lived in denial of reality and pretending all was well. As long as I and my family looked good to the outside world, it did not matter how I felt inside. When the rage within reached unbearable proportions, I left and finally reached out to Al-Anon for help. At that time I was also so angry with HP that we were not talking.
Entering the rooms, I saw and felt the power of the rooms and of the simple philosophy and decided to embrace it is my own. Practicing the steps, attending meetings, getting a sponsor, living one day at a time, reestablishing my spiritual connections , eliminating gossip, criticism, blame and sarcasm from my reactive toolbox enabled me to practice these principles in all my affairs. It was not an easy task.
I am so grateful that I continue to keep showing up and use this program to live my life.
The Courage to Change today speaks about why people keep coming back and the quote states;
"Today I can actively pursue a better life because I'm working on myself. The quote is from the Just for Today bookmark I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly that I will have it"
The person i have became is the opposite, or maybe its the person i was too scared to be. I dont tolerate intolerable behaviour anymore. Im working on controlling my thoughts and bringing them into line with my behaviour and vise versa.
Its getting to the stage where i can see my short comings in myself, self pity, resentment, jealousy, anger, its getting easier to see them as they crop up and im getting better at not acting on them so my behaviour is better. My feelings arent facts and i like that, i get to just feel the emotion, let it pass and ask my hp to help me remove them or replace them with thoughts that are easier to live with.
el-cee, you are writing about me here, LOL....omg....sooo similar our stories in many ways......
alanon has shown me it is not defeat to let go--let the universe......alanon has transformed me from a raging, bitter mass of anger to someone who can work though her shortcomings, her survival skills, I am more open, more compassionate, more honest w/me....I can see my shortcomings and not curse them, but take note that they are there to have kept me alive in the darkness i lived in for solong
now i have developing caring an respect for me...boundaries....i don't accept unacceptable behaviour, instead of trying to force change upon another, I can detach...back off...put some distance.....w/out having to toss out the baby w/the bath water....I can trust in me , my instincts, my program, my higher power......
i am not into self pity and resentment, I just go with the karma better rather then fight it.....I see things as they are..not what i wish them to be.....when i see red flags in people, I RUN...i don't disbelieve them when they show me who/what they are.....if it is not a match for me, I am GONE
I no longer am in denial, in fact I SEEK the truth, not denial, stroke jobs to make me feel good
this program has changed me much....I can stand for me w/out being so caustic......i get the same effects w/out being so caustic.......when i see another in program, not working on themselves, I can detach, bless them, and walk away w/out rancor and w/out anything but compassion.......
GREAT POST
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks to all of you for your shares. Before al anon I had all of the qualities I have now, yet they were overshadowed by mostly, martyrdom, confusion, anger and depression. They still pop their heads in from time to time, yet the qualities of compassion, empathy, kindness, respect and playfulness overshadow them.
Wow this is a powerful post for me and I strive to be accountable and growing towards a healthier and happier person everyday! I lived in crisis and misery for so many years that I used to perpetuate it with drama, because I didn't know how to live without it. I am now breakingfree of the old dysfunctions and growing into the person I want to be thanks to al-anon!
Hotrod wrote ["Entering the rooms, I saw and felt the power of the rooms and of the simple philosophy and decided to embrace it as my own. Practicing the steps, attending meetings, getting a sponsor, living one day at a time, reestablishing my spiritual connections , eliminating gossip, criticism, blame and sarcasm from my reactive toolbox enabled me to practice these principles in all my affairs. It was not an easy task."]
This reminds me to keep working on my reactive toolbox, I have regressed a bit with gossip and sarcasm, because a woman pissed me off and I am humbly reminded to be the better person and grow through my dysfunctions and come out the other side being a better person today than yesterday. Thanks for this post! Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Wow, el-cee, you described me in your post. Before Al-Anon, I had sunk so low, I was ready to die. I saw no future and just wanted it all to go away. God led me to Al-Anon and I have been healing ever since. The healing continues, and I am finding I'm at a new level of commitment to my program. I'm finding that once I found that total surrender, serenity and peace follows. I know I will have days of confusion again, but just for today, I'm enjoying this peace.
Thank you for sharing.
It works if you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Great shares! i am still in the midst of my growth and the height
Of turmoil with upcoming divorce and dealing with my dry AH. I feel
Some Peace and I have Had massive healing being out of most
of the abuse. I keep growing,reflecting and changing with the help
Of this program and God. Facing and dealing with your pain and hurts
Takes a lot of strength and courage. I still have a battle ahead of me,
I trust God to lead the way to my freedom.
Realizing no one is an island and that everyone needs help at various times in their lives and that holding on to my ego, pride and fears only holds me back from growing and accepting that this is my life, with all it's shortcomings, and if I am going to make it a success I have to take responsibility for the parts of me that need to change.
I do realise that if I am to make a success of my life, that I will have to face those fears of failure, loss and mistakes and rely on HP that he has greater plans for me to grow and prosper.
MIP members, Al-Anon and my HP have seen through some pretty difficult times and I can say that I am totally headed in the right direction ... I have more confidence, empathy, patience and understanding for everyone including myself.
No doubt that my fears, ego, pride and lack of confidence were out of control. Whether it be at work, in dealing with AH, with my family or with friends, being afraid to say or do the wrong things is, without a doubt, a heavy burden I have been carrying. Working the Al Anon steps has taught me why I have had such difficulties and has guided me to find the answers as to why I am so plagued with these fears and lack of confidence. It has been revelating for sure and relying on HP and talking with MIP Service and Senior Members has helped me to understand and release most of my fears.
I feel no regrets as I work the steps, in fact I am grateful for all that I have been through and experienced because I am becoming a better person for it.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
First off I want to say that I grew up in this program. I used to be selfish & very self-centered & alone & scared almost all the time. At least in my head. Back then my disease(BP) had me by the tail. I had gotten released from the hospital & returned to Al anon after a short stint in the program. I was a new person & I didn't know what to do w/ myself. I was totally confused & hurt. Time has changed but I have 29 years in the program but I feel I have maybe 10 years of quality time.
Today I have lots of friends & I know how to be a friend. It makes me cry to think how far I have come & people actually tell me & they say it shows.
My last really good period in Al anon started in 2006 & it hasn't slowed down since. I chaired a different meeting that eventually had to close up. Newcomers came & didn't come back. I was discouraged.
The real changes were when I found MIP. I am so grateful that I kept coming back or my life would have been miserable. It may not have been that bad but it would have been different. I would have continued my journey of not wanting to live anymore. I was so bad that on my 40th birthday I thought I wouldn't live to see that day. I actually went to get a divorce on my "perfect" day! Long story. I won't go into that. The rest is (his)story.
So, here I am spilling out my memories. I had an awesome day w/ my neighbor/friend. We did the candle making party & I spent time getting to know her after living next to her for 15 years! I can't believe just how much I didn't try to spend time w/ her before. That is the miracle about this program. You meet people that you never would have met before.
I am so blessed that I have had this site to be a part of a community that I never thought possible. You are all lifesavers, even if you don't know it.
Sorry to get off topic--that is what I do & that is who I am today.
I am here because I am not all there!
Thanks for the family atmosphere & being my friends since I believe 2007.
I have so many gratitudes, all of them deeply rooted in the program and my time here at MIP. Many of the gratitudes have come with my own participation being to stand still and watch the recovery come about in someone else's life as they accepted what was handed on to them from a more experience family group member and got the courage to work it themselves. That is me...I am a remade man, not even near the same person I was when I was led to and thru the doors of Al-Anon. I didn't have a clue as to what the problem was or that there even was a problem much less one called alcoholism. I stayed and adopted an open mind as suggested and listened and learned and then practice what others were doing. I didn't have to think up anything new which was great because my thinker was toast...done for...kaput. When I did what others were doing my life changed from what it was as a result of my insanity to new and better stuff that others were passing on in the rooms...mostly women. The women of Al-Anon gave my mother the son she always wanted to have and didn't have a program to do it with. I'm grateful and humbled and not embarrassed in the least that all I had to do was reach out and ask and then do what was shown me. I got the picture and I know what it looks like.
El-Cee it has been another gratitude for me to be allowed into your journey as you have started and continued to work and walk it as you have received it. We have similarities...scrappers...I always loved the good fight; the push me, pull you, shove, yell, scream, swear, hit, kick in your face kinda fight until I found out it wasn't necessary and actually the long way around to arriving at the wrong answer. Marrying alcoholics and addicts was a natural for me...I was just as insane and always under the influence of the insanity.
Mahalo for this thread and for the opportunities you have allowed us to watch..."How it is done". (((((MIP)))))
Jerry, as usual, i love what you say. Im always keen to hear what you think or share. Im grateful for everything i have received from everyone in alanon, including my fighting spirit. Your right, i can get drunk on the crisis, im working on it. I wasnt always a scrapper. Since just before i left my ex the person i had become was a nervous wreck, i was pathetic, everyone in my life seen it, i allowed people to speak to me like dirt, or make fun of me, or use me, i was lost in confusion, even my kids had no respect for me, i had no opinions, believed in nothing, felt resentment and jealousy. My ex just took over and i let him. I was just like a functioning, barely, sober alcoholic.
Now ive got my mojo back, i will never be that person again, never. Im still a bit angry at myself for falling down so far. Ivel not quite got the balance right either, i can go too far the other way and fight where there is no fight. I want the balance and its the steps and working this program that will get me it. Im getting better, in my day i would say i can be the person i want to be for about 85percent of the time. Not too bad, its progress.x
elcee: Loved your share here, especially "I'm grateful for everything I have received from everyone in Alanon, including my fighting spirit." My kids used to have goldfish as their pets. My son overfed them one day. I changed their water and one swam. The other floated to the top of the water on its side but gills were moving. I knew it was still alive. I don't know why, but I decided to tap on the side of the bowl. When I'd tap, it would swim a bit. When I stopped, it returned to lying at the top of the water. I kept tapping and it kept fighting. Finally, it was swimming like the other in the bowl. I quit tapping and it kept swimming. It had returned to full life. But it took some irritations to help that happen for it to survive and then to thrive. It no longer needed the outside irritants. It was fully functioning and thriving again.
You aren't a fish. You are a delightful woman. I'm glad that whatever worked on the outer to help you fight for your life resulted in you surviving and from what I see thriving. I get the not in balance 100 per cent yet. I don't know that I've ever met anybody who was balanced 100% of the time. Thank you for sharing this part of your story. How it was. What happened. Where you are now. You are a delight. I like what I see. There will come a time when fighting when it isn't necessary will come for you. But for now, you are right where you need to be. It made me happy to see your self-acceptance and self understanding in your share. Good work, elcee.
I have suspected my fish tendancies for a while now, this just confirms it. Feel free to tap at any time and thank you for not letting me float, lol. Your great, the lot of you.x
Thanks for this post and for getting me thinking, how have I grown?
I think I have often allowed my life to get out of control by not taking action until it was too late. Then of course, it wasn't my fault...I'm seeing this now, have such a big mess to clean up after sitting back and letting my A's problems and behaviours be my excuse for living a lacking lifestyle. I let everything go so much that it has been a nightmare just trying to create a managable life for myself again! Like you I spent a lot of time in bed feeling sorry for myself because it was all "not my fault" and out of my control and just too hard..
The way I feel now is, I have the right, the ability and the responsibility to take care of my own wellbeing and security. It's a work in progress and it's going t take a lot of hard work and vigilance to become properly self-sufficient now but it's a lot more satisfying than sitting back, watching other people "wreck my life" and then pointing the finger and moaning that it wasn't my fault. I'm very, very glad to be unlearning that habit, it's so useless and destructive when I look at it now.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
