The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am expecting a visit from my brother who I have seen only three times in the last 27 years. We were raised in an alcoholic home. In all these years we have lived in the same state. His wife died in Nov. He is coming to see me. I went to her memorial, but it was really awkward. We talked but I am trying not to freak out over his visit. Too much cleaniing, planning etc. I just want to be free of pleasing I don't really know him as an adult, and was not close to the situation of his wifes illness before she died. We have zero in common except for our upbringing. He is close to my other brother because they both fish. He will have his 5th wheel in my driveway so there will be some space if needed.
I am married to an untreated Al Anon and he is laid back about it and not helpful when I am feeling like this. He judges my insecurities instead of supporting me. I just need perspective and suggestions for making it pleasant for myself, to be myself and not caretake. I am a mother of three sons and grandmother to 5. I don't know how to behave if I am not caring for someone. I feel awkward and worthless and literally don't know how to behave. He does not need my mothering or caretaking I understand this.
Hi, too. I'm not sure what you are meaning by an untreated Al-Anon? Most of the untreated codependents I know are anything but laid back in relationship to their loved ones.
Even if the man coming to my house was my brother, if I'd only seen him 3 times in 27 years and his wife just died, I might be uncertain about how to behave in relationship to him, too, at first. Then, I'd probably decide to treat him like any other stranger who is a guest in my home. I'd be interested in learning more about them, making sure I did whatever might help them feel at home in my home, put out the guest towels and offer them bedding if they needed it, and maybe think up something we could all do that might be fun, too.
Considering that his wife has just died, he's probably feeling at loose ends and needing to reconnect with some of his roots. When I visited my parents' home during times of grief or high stress, I didn't want much other than to visit with them, see our connection, and then go back to my life. I didn't want them to fix anything, fuss around me, or go to a lot of trouble on my behalf. I just needed a visit. That was all. Then, after a few days, I could return to my own life and keep on truckin'.
