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I am new to this forum but not new to the program. I really thought I had left this part of my life behind. Not the principles but I hadn't had an active addict or alcoholic in my life a long time. I was a single mom for 16 years and I have been married almost 4 years. My new husband is wonderful but we did have a very rough time when we started out he started drinking when we were going through a custody battle for his youngest daughter who was 4 yrs old at the time. Over the past 4 years he I had though had tapered down to a couple beers a night. This past weekend though it all came out. He finally admitted to me that he has been day drinking vodka for over a year. He had hoped to quit on his own and I would never have to learn about his struggle. He is also Hypoglycemic which when his sugar drops it acts like being drunk. That is how he was able to hide it for so long. Deep down I think I always knew on some level.
He quit his job last Friday, which was a good thing because it was not a healthy place for him to be. He is in the medical field so if he is diagnosed he will lose his license. Since Sunday he has been cutting back, he has cut all vodka out and is down to beer at night. His hope is to be able to detox without being hospitalized. After his body adjusts to no vodka he will cut out the beer. He is doing really well and is really positive. He understands my worries and trust issues at this point in the game. He had been program years ago for another issue. That was over 15 years ago and until this point has been clean. He kept saying to me "I never have battled anything like this" "I never expected to be caught like this" "this is worse than anything I have struggled with in the past" He does have people to talk too. But I know that I need to be able to talk as well.
I am active on FB but I wanted privacy. I worried that even a closed group would show up some how. I need my alanon program to be 100% private for work and personal reasons.
I am doing my best to turn everything over. So far so good. I know I can't control him. I do support him but I don't enable him. He is hoping to dry up (at least his body wise) and get back to work. I am so thankful he is not working right now, not just so it gives him a good start but the other place was very unhealthy and I don't think it would have been good and neither does he.
Welcome to MIP: On the subject of him and detox - I don't see cutting out vodka and continuing to drink beer is detoxing? Both are alcohol - just one doesn't have as strong if any odor as compared to beer? But, I'm not a doctor or an AA therapist or A myself, so what do I know? He is apparently doing what he thinks will work for him - maybe?
On to you: I, too, cut back a bit on program work when the active A was no longer in my life. I still stay connected but didn't religiously attend meetings. Then, my son grew up and grew sicker and sicker due to the disease of alcoholism that he had inherited. My sibs also got older and what had started out to be teen year experimentation and college day partying turned into the disease progressing for them in ways I never saw coming.
Regardless of what he does or doesn't do about his own disease, you have seen it to be in your best interest to return to what you know is the solution for you. Glad you're here. Hope you return to face to face Al-Anon meetings and come back here, too.
Hi Goldmoom Welcome to MIP and Welcome back to alanon. You have the basics and I know that by returning to meetings, and reworking the Steps you will find your serenity, courage and wisdom deepened. Nice to see you here.
Its a step down to detox. He was worried if he quit everything at once it would send his body into shock. So he stepped down to no vodka at all (which he was day drinking all day then drinking beer at night) and he is drinking just a couple beers at night until his body adjusts then will cut out the beer as well. He really wants to be done with that whole thing but like I said he is in the medical field he knows how dangerous detoxing can be if done abruptly after consuming so much for a long period of time. He is trying to stay out of the hospital. His first day doing this was bad he was having very visible DTs by 4pm. Yesterday was better he made it to 5pm and the shakes were less and he drank less beer as well. He doesn't drink to get the buzz at this point just trying whine his body off it safely.
I am checking into which meetings in my area will work best for me but this is a nice supplement as well.
It sounds as if he has a handle on the medical issues, but he may be looking at this purely from a medical point of view. The part that concerns me is that he is trying to go it alone and not being involved in a formal program of recovery. I'd bet that 99% of the people on these boards have watched while their loved ones declare they can do it alone and they don't need a program of recovery ... and then watched them fall off the wagon and the whole circus starts up again. Maybe you know this syndrome from your previous experiences.
That said, it is not your responsibility to direct his recovery, nor could you if you tried. It is just a caution, because the disease is so powerful and will do anything to hang on. All the better reason to re-enter your program and work it hard, so you will have peace no matter how things progress.
Thank you Mattie, yes he does have a handle on the medical side of things. He does have people he is talking too and he is reaching out. None of my business your right. I am impressed he is going about this the way he is. Like I said he/we can't afford for him to be diagnosed as an alcoholic and do inpatient detox. He would lose his license.
As far as my past, it was pretty sick at the worst of it and this has been I don't know if refreshing is the right word but its different for sure. He has no problem admitting its a problem and he wants it to stop. He is willing to work to get there and go through the pain needed as well for home detox.
I am sure its just the honeymoon period for me. I am enjoying having the man I married back. The one that laughs and is not always angry. He was working second shift so having him home at night and not have to worry about the long commute in bad weather is also nice. I am hopeful but I am also ready just in case. What else can you do? Pray... keep yourself in check... turn over all you can and live.
AA is anonymous and a great support for many trying to stop drinking and maintain recovery for themselves. I am glad you are here at MIP and know about al-anon, meetings and my sponsor has been my sanity saver. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Detoxing is not trading vodka for beer.....his body will build up craving, like a withdrawal symptom and he will get drunk with a vengeance....my brother tried that....traded his vodka for beer...oh it worked for a couple to three weeks, then he got so drunk, he was gone , MIA for a week....when he finally "came down" he was so sick, almost went into seizures......HE told me this........so really it does not work
I am glad you showed up here to work on you..having had past experience, you should pick up right away.....I would get into the face to face meets and start living for me...
welcome back to alanon...............IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Phew, pull up a chair gold moon, I hear you about anonymity and the underlying fear/anxiety of what people would think, should they know what they think they do but don't. At least outside of ala non. its one of those triggers for control in my view, where we get all tempted to do the " I sponsor myself" ism and isolate. So I wholeheartedly celebrate you reaching out here and nipping the isolation in the bud. There's a lot to be said for strong foundations, you obviously still have one. I'm really sorry this bugger of a disease has reared its head in a man you love, its going to take a lot of courage and wisdom to get through this. Deep breath, we're here, we're human, welcome back. Online meetings are private as they get. Not as tingly as f2f meetings but still very good. Keep coming back.
I'm a licensed professional and an alcoholic. I couldn't affort NOT to go to AA. I can tell you he is already diagnosed an alcoholic because he is one. And he will still be one even if he stops drinking. Alcoholism is also self diagnosed generally. He would not lose his license for getting help. There are laws in place at almost all companies and with nurses and doctors seeking help and if shame is going to stop him from AA then his sobriety isn't starting off at a good spot. He could lose his license if he went for help then relapsed after maybe. More likely he will lose it if he never gets appropriate help and relapses on the job. Also, why is it all about him? His secret outweighs patients' rights to a sober doctor/medical professional? One of the hallmarks of alcoholism is self centeredness and sadly, family members get sold on their claims and stories. This is not about shame It's a serious disease that needs rigourous treatment. Nobody at alanon needs to know who your qualifier is just like nobody needs to know what his job is at AA.
I don't mean to sound judmental. I don't walk in your shoes. I do know that alcoholism festers in secrecy, shame, and isolation. I also know that any alcoholic that thinks they are too important or special for AA is showing what we call "terminal uniqueness" and that is a poor prognosticator. Please go to alanon for you. You deserve as much recovery as you can get and need not be limited by shame or his excuses about being too special and important for anyone to find out about his alcoholism.
Taking action for you and keeping expectations for him low is a good alanon tool. If his method of sobering up was so smart and if he was smarter than the disease, he wouldnt have wound up drinking during the day as a medical professional in the first place. He will not outwit alcoholism. Go get help for you and break the fear and shame.
And I am not saying he has to go to rehab or that you need to got to the most attended and popular alanon meeting in town. I dont know that those things would be good for either of you. Just keep an open mind and be willing to go to whatever lengths necessary for your recovery.
You know guys I never said my hubby wasn't going to AA just that he didn't want to be hospitalized. He is stepping down as in he is down to 2 beers a night now and tomorrow it will be one. He was afraid of seizures and honestly I was too. He is doing great. I never said either of us were against AA or Alanon. I just said he didn't want to be admitted to and in or outpatient treatment or hospital.
I wasn't making my story all about him I was talking about me and breaking the ice to a new group.
Hi goldm00n, thanks for stopping in and telling your story, I'm glad you have feel that we can keep your story anonymous. We all understand the frustration of living with alcoholics. Many of us also understand the danger of seizures when detoxing, so we are concerned for him, but of course have no control over what he does just like you.
So keep coming back and tell us how things are going, and we will share our experience, strength, and hope as much as possible. I'm glad to hear he is doing well so far, it will be a long road ahead, as you know. Good active humble program work on both our parts is what saved my wife and me, once she was detoxed.
Cool...and truthfully, I detoxed myself too. Sorry I jumped the gun. Sounded like both of you were scared of the term "alcoholic/alcoholism." Can't get past step 1 in either program without that. Sorry for misunderstanding. I am glad you are here. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
Also, should this not work for any reason, there are confidential outpatient/at home detoxes that cater to folks in situations like him. Hoping you are able to find a face to face alanon meeting and sponsor also. I still think HIPAA would protect his confidentiality regardless of the treatment. Can't loose a license for going to rehab.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 21st of January 2015 06:11:15 PM
I know someone in the medical field who had a program and she voluntarily signed up to be randomly tested at work. Basically she would get a notice at the start of the day or lunch that she had to go do the test. It was completely confidential and it helped her keep her job. As far as the vodka vs beer thing, Im glad its working for him but Im worried because my loved one replaced beer with prescription medications at one point which she had easy access to being in the medical field. Substituting one for another may back fire, especially if that one beer at night becomes 2 or 6. Addressing the cause of it all may be what he needs to do, if he is not working right now, checking himself into a detox/short term place to get him healthy, and then he can use AA to help him stay that way may be a better option. Good luck
