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I can't find anyone, except for one house, where someone will rent to me without me having a monthly job sourced income. They all want my AH on the lease and that's the last thing I want. I went to see the one property who said she would work with me and I liked it a lot. So, at least this is a positive.
My lawyer doesn't want me to get a job yet because that will show a judge that I am capable of working and capable of also still homeschooling and managing my son's tennis schedule. She said that I would also get awarded less for spousal support.
My AH sat me down last night and basically pleaded with me to not use lawyers. He wants us to sit down with a mediator soon to see if we can work this out civilly. He praised himself for being civil around the house and being more amiable around me. He said, "You are always welcome here...." He still is thinking of trying to keep the house but I really haven't seen him putting any plans into motion on that and I think I'm going to have to push this on him.
When I told him that our home environment isn't good for our son or for me, he balked and made reference to the fact that it's better than both of us raising him while being broke and struggling to make ends meet. Everything I said, he came right back to money and finances and then he went into asking me how I'd like to split up the house stuff. I told him I'd be fair and just take what I needed. That wasn't a good enough answer for him but I then tried to redirect the conversation back to: Umm, we need to sell the house and figure out how you're going to pay me my share of the equity, forget about the furniture for a second....ARRGGHHH@@!!!
Funny, but he was the one pushing me to tell our son about us splitting up and now he's trying to manipulate me into staying because it makes sense financially. Yes, it does make sense financially but neither one of us is happy in this marriage. I am scared to death about starting out on my own and trying to create income and pay for food, etc. Yes, of course I am. But, I am also VERY tired of living in the spare bedroom (I gave him the master because I got tired of him whining about the spare bed), shoving all my clothes into a mini closet and having no dresser or space, and feeling like I just can't be me. I'm tired of listening to foxnews. I'm tired of listening to him snore when I get up in the AM and want a quiet house. I'm tired of him eating leftovers that were for my dinner and him not even asking if I was going to be eating them. I'm tired of listening to him give our son advice that is just NOT what I would say or do but I also know that my input is regarded as trivial or lesser than. I'm tired of him accusing me of cheating(he referenced that one again last night).
He was very amiable last night and has been for the past few weeks. I honestly don't trust him anymore. All I see is a man trying to hold onto his money, yet using the guise of 'I want to provide for my wife and son' to get what he wants. He even told me last week that it seems silly to spend all this money on a divorce just so he can have s*x with a woman in the future. Ahhh...so that was all I, and other women, are good for?
Apparently he met with a lawyer last week who told him that since I have a college degree and had a career, I will not get as much for spousal support. AH told me that he defended me to the lawyer and told him, "Hey we both chose to have her stay home and then homeschool. She hasn't worked in 16 years...." He didn't like the lawyer throwing me under the bus. I have to admit that I hate that about lawyers too. He told me that his friend's lawyer has cost over $75K to get his divorce finalized and AH doesn't want us to go there. That's about the only thing I can agree on right now, LOL.
I need to pray very hard and spend some time in counsel with others to help me see what I need to do here going forward. I don't want to bury myself but I'm also not vindictive and don't want to bury him. I want this to be fair for all of us. Sigh....having a bad week so far.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I have never been through a "nice" break up....let alone a divorce. Prayers are with you. It is strange that folks with 6 figure incomes talk about being "broke"...
When I separated from my husband, I was ready to scrape together whatever cash I had and could get, to move into a trailer...I so desperately wanted peace. This will work out for you, stay the course, don't let yourself be seduced into his thinking. Keep in mind, his perceptions of what the attorney has said is most likely not the truth...assume his version of anything may be skewed to fit what he needs to/wants to believe.
I want to edit this....I mean no disprespect towards living in a trailer home or trailer park, I still think about how inexpensively we could live if we purchased a trailer or one of those tiny homes I see floating around on the internet. My point was I was willing to let go of most of my belongings and worldly goods in exchange for peace.
-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 09:47:48 AM
Andromeda: You've gotten this far with the help of your HP and the program. You'll be able to get through this one day at a time, too, in a way that reflects your own personal integrity and self-respect. He isn't going to change. He isn't working a program. You are working a program and you can make the changes necessary to take good care of you. Let nothing dismay you. Your HP is with you to encourage you, to guide you and to do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
Thank you all for the encouragement. One of the things he said to me was really funny. He told me he didn't want to move because his desk weighs like 300 pounds and he was reminding me of how awful it was to move it the last 2 times we moved. Wow, all that trouble to complain about moving a desk? And, all that stubbornness to say he doesn't want to move because it's too much of a hassle.
The way he threw out this comment gave me the shivers too, "If things don't work out for you, I want you to know you can always come back here and will always have space here." UGH.....that about sent me over the edge.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Well, whether he wants to move his desk or not, things will change and are changing. He can cling to his desk and not moving it and not budge from that spot on the floor or in his mind, but you are changing, life is changing, things aren't going to turn out exactly as he'd like them to be and they may very well end up better than anybody sees possible right now? Lots of prayers for all, Andromeda. I have to say that I, too, have clung to the idea that it will just take too much energy to make any changes and then one day, I just stood up and did it - made a change. When I look at how much energy I put into hanging on to status quo or what I wanted or resisting the opportunity I was given to do a new thing, I am grateful for all that hard knock experience. The memories and the learning remind me there is always a better way even though I'm not always sure of that because I haven't experienced it yet.
I say write down what is important to you and how much you think you need a month to live on and hand it to him and see what he says. If he doesn't agree on it or won't compromise you know you will need some more help splitting up. I didn't think or take time to plan ahead I just left my exAH and left our old farm house with 20 acres. Gave our horses to our neighbor whom agreed to let my daughter ride and see her old horse anytime. I rented a tiny 2 bedroom cottage for myself with my 2 girls and it was the best year of my life. I worked 3 part time jobs and my ex paid minimal support like maybe $150 a month on a good month, because I walked away with nothing and did not retain a lawyer. Because I got on the system when I returned to school, child support went after him for me to get child support which it is nice to receive and it covers my rent now. I guess in my story here I am telling you there are many different ways to split up and you have to decide what you want and what you are willing to fight for and go after it. I fought for nothing material just wanted my kids full time and got it. I sometimes wonder if I should have made him sell the house, but I didn't have the energy to fight over it and didn't want to involve lawyers. It may be in your best interest if you don't want to go back to work, to obtain a lawyer. I don't feel cheated and in time I will be back on my feet and buy my own home. I am in a season of in between and sometimes it is hard living in a tiny apartment in an area I am not excited to live in, but I am doing the work to get better in the future and making the best of right now. I had to give up my life style and it was hard at first, but in the long run it made little difference. And I learned a lot in this season for sure and giving up things made the material stuff lose it's lustrous power over me. Sending you love and support!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 02:20:03 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
BF, you are one of the people here on this board whom I look to for an example of truly 'breaking free'. I know that all things will work out in HP's plan and in His will. I trust that, but I am feeling tethered to someone right now whom I really don't want to be tethered to.
Today, he asked about my cell phone plan and told me he wants to switch all of US over to AT&T in May when my contract is up. I was hoping that I wouldn't be needing him for my cell phone by then, LOL. It's nice that he wants to step up and pay for my phone but I don't even want that tied to him.
I am still thinking of using a mediator for the divorce. We'll see where things are though, in a month. My patience is running thin.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
