Not program related, need advice - Al-Anon Family Group

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Not program related, need advice

mjferg · Senior Member

Men like that are creepy to me.I would be very blunt with him and say something to the effect that I was very uncomfortable with his suggestive comments.I had a man being overtly sexual with me in a situation and I basically told him off,I really don't care what people think of me anymore,and I wouldn't care if he liked it or not.

karma13 · Senior Member

I agree with Mary. I would be be very direct. I would say" I have a problem, I feel very uncomfortable, when you make inappropriate comments about my body or my appearance. Going forward, I think it's in our best interest, if we just stick to Hi and Bye as I don't really feel comfortable talking to you" honest, direct, to the point. Who gives two sh*ts what he thinks. If he has a problem with it, it's his to work out with himself ;)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Being direct is the answer. Say what you mean and mean it. I would validate myself,and my prinicples and walk away.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've had those experiences, Andromeda - especially as a single woman. In some cases, it was my boss and in some cases it wasn't. I had to handle each according to what my HP led me to say and to do. In the case of a very dear co-worker who I'd known together with her husband for several years, he tested me in similar ways as what you described when I had gone to their house for him to do some work for my organization which both of them knew I was going to do and his wife encouraged. I looked directly at him and said: "I am your wife's friend. What you are saying to me is inappropriate and alarming. She deserves better than this." I took the print job and never returned to their home. I remained friends with his wife but never told her of our encounter. I also didn't let him know whether I was going to say anything or not. I decided to let him worry about what I'd do in relationship to her. He was a man in his 50s. I'm sure he'd pulled this with other women. It wasn't new for him but I was certainly taken back by it. He died of a sudden heart attack about a year or two after this. I was glad I never said anything to her but had said exactly what I knew to say to him at the time.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 19th of January 2015 12:16:12 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say something to the effect of 'I find it unpleasant when people seem to judge folks by their appearances. (Thoughtful pause) To my mind, it does not reflect well on you when you do that and I think that your wife deserves more respect. Don't you agree?' I doubt that he will want to sit next to you again! Silly chap.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

next time he plops his undesirable ass down next to you, get up and move away...if he pursues you, then you tell him you came here to enjoy your son's tennis and not personal gossip....and walk away again

if you don't pick up the rope he tosses out to you, he can't "tug" on your emotions...

hes creepy sounding...sometimes you gotta get blunt w/a creep w/no brains and no class.....

sorry this happened.....dunno how some people make it to the ages that they are.......just saying...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

OH you are in this ALANON FAMILY.....so if you have a need for friendly/family ESH, then it IS related to program.......you are part of us.....any time u need some esh, you came to the right place........ok????

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I would give him one of Cathy' s looks evileye .

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I would give him one of Cathy' s looks.

hey Paula my good friend...u r assuming that this guy has a brain larger than that of a GNAT!!! LOL

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree that it is actually program related, because it's about boundaries, especially what to do when other people don't respect them. Something we all benefit from thinking about.

I read somewhere that one way creeps get what they want is that they presume on other people's politeness. They put us in a position where we have to be "impolite" to set a boundary, to keep them from creeping on us.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to tell him straight out that saying those things is inappropriate. If he keeps it up, you move to a different seat. He's either got some cognitive difficulty where he doesn't understand he's being a creep, or (more likely) he just tries on creepy behavior whenever he can. Either kind doesn't respond to subtle cues. If he did, he wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff in the first place. So we have to lay it out for people like that. I guess "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean" applies here. Though "firm and clear" seems appropriate. If necessary, even a little bit mean, like "I told you not to say anything like that again, and I meant it" [moving to different seat].

What a *%$*! Another person to be glad not to be married to, right?!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I demand you stay away from me. If you don't I will have you charged with harassment. That is that.

This is abuse, believe me almost all women have to deal with this crap. Once one of my principals told me I could share his desk with me. I being naive said Merle where would I sit? he said in my lap.

I said right merle, I need a desk in my room please and walked away. It did not hit me till later he was a dirty old man. ick.

Oh was landscaping and the owner of the property said it was so hot, why didn't I take my shirt off? I called and reported him to the police and called his wife. sicko.

This crap is what made me stay home a lot or just go out with my husband. For years I have lived far away from town. no thank you.

I know what betty said is right, but I more than likely would say knock it off you jerk....

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone. I think it's time I spoke up and told him up front instead of just being civil and nodding and trying to keep it light and polite. It's just really WRONG considering I just went to lunch with his wife today, ugh!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

andromeda wrote:
Thanks everyone. I think it's time I spoke up and told him up front instead of just being civil and nodding and trying to keep it light and polite. It's just really WRONG considering I just went to lunch with his wife today, ugh!

Yep.....agree......sick him!!!! he deserves to be firmly put in his place......that is the only language slobs like this understand....

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Men take advantage of women in social situations because they know that many women will be nice and nonconfrontational. If you speak up, he will go on to an easier target.

Gees, this sounds just like advice I gave to my son when he was 10. Don't these bullies ever go away??

Good luck, I'm sure you will do just fine speaking your peace.

Kenny

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'd been wanting to respond to this one. I agree with others that direct is the way to go. I think a lot of men think being a "skirt chaser" of sorts is socially acceptable and not a problem. They may even pride themselves on it. In actuality, it's chauvinist, boundary breaking, and disrespectful and probably is best dealt with assertively.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

In my day, I had this happen a lot. I found when I looked and acted assertively, letting them know I was not amused or complimented, they shrunk ( smile ) and left me alone.

-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 09:04:13 AM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh I seethe reading this, sorry to say! I have a similar situation at the moment but it's with a family member's recent ex, he sends me messages and emails of a sexual nature and I have told him to stop but he continues and seems to believe I am going to realise he is the one for me eventually, it makes my skin crawl, and after reading this and everyone's responses you know what? I'm going to be direct with him in a much more forceful way. He always says our "conversations" (I am polite and he tells me very innappropriate things, so if you can call that a conversation....) are "our little secret and he will never share them with anyone else"...it's predatory, and thinking about it now after reading this I realise my discomfort and nervous deflections and protests are probably exactly what he is looking for. I don't buy the idea that it's harmless or "boys will be boys" as people tend to say about this sort of stuff, I think it's abusive and we ought give ourselves permission to be more concerned with our own comfort and well-being than protecting the feelings of some annoying guy who thinks he can say things to us that he wouldn't dare say to or in front of anyone else!!

-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 20th of January 2015 09:28:37 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe, as women, we need to stop this predatory (you were right, Melly) behavior for us, our daughters and to role model for them that this is not the way anyone should be treated. I have been told in conversation with some men that they really believe women like this sort of behavior...what a world we have created. There was a time in my youth I pretended to be flattered, because I came to believe cultural lies, yet I felt diminished inside.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And - in asserting ourselves with this type of man - it has been my experience that we are often referred to as ice queens or "b's." Call me what you will, Mister. I am beloved of a power greater than you and it is only to this HP I need to listen. It is this HP's name for me that matters. Yours just comes from a language that often doesn't even make sense.

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