The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alcoholism yep I was born into the life in 1980. Had a father that had his little girl wrapped around his finger when he was sober. I always felt like my dad was two people in one. A kind loving father and then a monster that could say and do things as though he hated me. His body was found at the young age of 39 after a month long binder. We had missing posters up but he was found in the river dead from an o.d. So at 15 I swore to stay away from people that were like that yet kept dating the bad boys. When I at 25 as a single mom that I finally found the best guy in the world I was immediately like oh finally there is happiness to be had. The first few years were great we even had two amazing boys. I missed the signs i guess his drinking picked up more and more. I immediately panicked when I did realize it was getting out of hand. I did the whole please my dad died from this speech. No luck. I said quit or I'm gone. He would for short periods then ask me if he could on a holiday or special occasion. That turned to full on drinking again.I left he wasn't a silly drinker he became rude and verbally abusive to me and my oldest daughter. He blamed us for everything. He blamed economics and the state we lived in. Telling all the crazy stuff that happened when he was drunk would take a novel to write. I gave it another shot and even moved to his home state of Texas where he got a job in the oil industry and the money was going to pay better. So his state where I had no family and he was working all the time my fingers were crossed. Because I'm not trying to totally sound stupid but to be honest sober he was always then man I did fall in love with not the monster. It took three months last summer and it went south when he got so drunk on a family camping trip that he had me so terrified. He said so many horrible things to me in front of the kids and I mean even that I deserved to die for ruining his life. In the way home he grabbed the wheel and almost had us hit a semi head on. The next day I called home to my family and the day after that I had my kids loaded up picked up my brother from the airport and drove 3 days back to OR. Since then I have joined ala non and went to four meetings but haven't been back since I was so ashamed that 3 months ago I made it almost out of OR. Attempting to drive back to my husband with the promise of change. I stopped and called my family and drove the kids back to my moms. In reached out to a domestic violence advocate and since then have gotten the kids and I our own place and the kids are happier without being around the rude comments and scary actions. My husband has visited once just recently and that was so sad. He spent the whole time crying saying how he felt abandoned and how he wants his family back. He is considering moving back in two months even though I promise my kids he cannot live here because he broke our trust. He says he will get sober. So we will see. My family all says they will never speak to me again if I give him another chance one day. I don't understand though why why why do I still love my husband why consider another chance if he really does his treatment????? Is it because I have a hard time seeing him as one man because his personality is so different when he is Sober vs. Drunk? Sorry for the long rant that's even the short version. I didn't mention the countless drunk phone calls threatening my life if I met someone else and the next day I'm so sorry I love you calls. Ugggh I still love him why?????anyone relate?
Hi, Shannon. Welcome to MIP. I am glad you are in Al-Anon and have moved yourself and your children into safety and away from his behaviors. I, too, was married to an alcoholic. He was also a drug addict. I didn't know this until after we were married and living together for awhile. Very charming. Funny. People really liked him. Obviously, I did, too. We lived together 8 years. We had two children together. His disease kept progressing. I separated from him and then divorced him. I kept trying to stop loving him and stop caring about him, but I couldn't. I did love him. I did care about him. We'd had two kids together. Unfortunately, the disease separated us. He never got into treatment other than 1 month in rehab. After about 3 years of trying to close off my heart to him, I realized that I would always love the man he was underneath the disease but I couldn't live with him. I never told him how I really felt about him when we divorced or all the years we were divorced until he died. But, I also stopped letting what I couldn't change - his disease - destroy my peace of mind and went on to create a new life for me which included dating and loving others - just in different ways. Loving him - to me - meant freeing me and freeing him from what became a toxic relationship that each of us were powerless over. It wasn't easy but it was necessary. Please keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of January 2015 10:38:33 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 12th of January 2015 09:17:46 AM
Welcome Shannon, I can readily identify with your dilemma and so understand the confusing feeling of continuing to love an alcoholic even after all the heartbreak. It is very important to remember that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless .Loving this person is understandable and letting go hard
You did not cause the disease, cannot control it or cure it. The best we can do is seek recovery for ourselves and our families . This support can be found in alanon face to face meetings held in most communities .Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, developing new constructive tools to live by helps too restore our self esteem and ability to process constructive actions for our families.
Keep coming back There is hope
Aloha Shannon and welcome to the board also. I've been there and done that myself and I've had the feelings too. I was also born and raised within the disease of alcoholism and when I left home, parted with my family of origin I took it with me. I became a carrier. My first wife was an addict and when that was done my next relationship was with an alcoholic and when I parted from that one I quickly married and alcoholic/addict until I was led to the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups certain that I was certifiably insane. I was. When I got to the rooms I knew nothing about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know...the disease was "normal" to my life. I learned about enabling and how even against my wildest wishes not to be caught up in it I did everything to make it so. I asked your WHY!!!!!!???? question also and got a response from my early sponsor of WHY NOT!!!!???? meaning I had done all of the things necessary even without knowing to have it that way in my life. I was getting what I didn't want by doing what I thought I should do...insane.
I learned a lot about alcoholism in Al-Anon and then AA (I am also one of them) and I learned a lot about alcohol and alcoholism and substance abuse in college...not everyone has to go that route...I did because I had the deepest desire to know...for me.
I know what it is to invest my whole being into the needs of another person (alcoholic...addict...alcoholic/addict) hoping that the love I invested would be returned...it wasn't because there is a more powerful lover in the picture and that is the addiction. I know what it is like to "try harder" and come away even crazier for it. It is so painful not having the love returned. It is just as hard to understand that I actually was living with two personalities...the wife I expected and the alcoholic or addict I got instead. That is what addiction does in reality...it alters and then it altered me as I became a person I didn't like being with the rage and anger and depression and insane thinking and behaving. I am grateful today for MIP and Al-Anon and grateful you have found the door also. You have a better chance to get your love returned....and it will be returned by yourself. You were created to love and be loved...so were we all. In alcoholism we learn that to be loved we must do it ourselves or often it won't get done.
You have received some great wisdom in the responses; I would concur with what grateful wrote...I realized I do and will always love the man I married, but I could no longer live with him. I think our mind plays lots of what if? tricks on us. Who knows what will happen if your H gets into treatment? Who knows what will happen if my ex ever does? Alanon is a program for you, no matter what the H is doing or not. It is too difficult for most people to live with an active A. You are not alone. Those two statements have helped me immensely and I hope they help you too.
Keep coming back--there is a lot of strength and support here and in the meetings.
Yes and I used to relate a lot. I had to go to counseling to take my awareness of my abuse to the next level. I grew up with it so it was comfortably miserable for me. I used to have Stockholm syndrome to a point. I am glad you are here and hope you stick around. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
