The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have so many other things I want to share... I keep typing out these longer thoughts/vents, but I guess first I want to ask this question that has been bugging me.
My AH quit drinking 7 months ago. He started going to AA the very night we staged an intervention, and starting working with his priest, who also used to be an addictions counselor, but could also address the soul After a couple intensive weeks, his AA participation dwindled to once a week. He still met with the priest every week or so, until September, when that kinda ended. He was refusing to go to any other counselor, but did just start that up again with me a couple months ago.
He is a very private person who does not allow himself the comfort that can come from sharing our stories and receiving/giving support (although he is very supportive if anyone shares their struggles with him.) He has resisted many things over the years in terms of counseling, couples groups, etc. He says he finds counseling exhausting, and at this point he is "counseled out". He says he really cares for all the AA people, they have become like family, but he finds the meetings exhausting, and all the talking too. I do understand that. I have to admit there are times I feel like that too... someone in Al-Anon will go on and on about their cat's health issues (we have a very small group so people can talk for some time if there aren't many there) and on one level, it feels good to support them no matter what, but other parts of me are screaming, why am I here instead of at home with my children making sure their homework is done, etc. However, sharing comes very easily for me, I am a joiner type who seeks out meetings, is happy to open up, etc. I can't imagine how it would feel if you are not that kind of person.
OK, I am being longwinded, but my question is, are there other models that work? What if somebody is private, taciturn, hard to open up... lots and lots of people in this world aren't joiners or sharers or talkers... more introverted, more one on one... I do tend to believe my AH is simply not doing his work... and it is affecting how I feel about him... but I work SO hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, that they may have a different way, that one size never fits all... maybe some portion of people who try AA fail because it doesn't meet their needs and there is nothing else obvious out there? I dunno.. I try to look past "conventional wisdom" to what is the truth... and it is so unclear in this case... I guess I am just very near the end of my rope in my marriage, and sizing up my pros and cons, but wanting to be very very careful that I don't throw the baby out with the bathwater... not sure this makes any sense.
Yes, there are other recovery programs. I would suggest that he talk to his physician about his options. I do hope that you are continuing to receive the support of alanon face to face meetings.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 11th of January 2015 08:13:30 PM
Work on you, I guess? I found in my own marriage, I got sick and tired of having to be the solutions finder. OK he doesn't gel with aa. A private person, alright. But then counsellings too hard as well. So what does that leave? And how did that work for you in the past? I think sometimes all we can do is get clear on how we want our lives to be. How we want to be treated and how it feels to be thought of and considered. Even if there are other models, it should really be on the a to seek it out..if it was as much a priority for the a to get help as it is for us I don't think there would be so much head banging. Then the whole acceptance part comes in. What we can change and what we can't.what we are truly prepared to accept and in what ways. There's so much to deal with apart from just the drinking though. When my ah (who I'm now separated from) was dry, he was also mean though subtly. For him not drinking alcohol was the solution, for me not being upheld, protected, appreciated and respected ( which for me is both how I show and recognise love) was the problem, of which alcoholism was the cause not just consumption of alcohol. I do think most if not all are now into multiple generations of alcoholism. Do take care of you, I understand exactly the feeling at the end of your post.
Speaking as a recovering A, when I started saying and doing the things you mention, it was basically because I wanted to go back to drinking so I was paving my way to relapse! Fooling myself as well as trying to fool those I was telling my 'sad tale' to!
There are lots of different recovery models available but A's have to be WILLING to commit to them!
When I drank I was willing to go to any lengths of struggle and discomfort to get access to the alcohol. Recovery takes the same commitment. The act of taking responsibility and arranging our own recovery is a big part of our healing.
My AH also trots out all of the above! Is A B/S, imo. I detach and get out of his way instead of listening and enabling.
Working on yourself is the best and kindest thing you can do.
Glad you posted this oceanpine and I hope lots of other MIP family members read it and the three responses you have received up to now including that view of the alcoholic that comes from SunshineGirl. The replies are right on. I'm going to listen for what is coming next. (((hugs)))
I'm not an A. I am recovering with you in Al-Anon. I am a private person as well in real life until I truly trust myself in relationship to others. Then! I'm sure folks would wish I'd put a lid on it. Anyway - there came a point in my own recovery where I wanted to turn away from the program. I did take a break for a short time, but went back. Because I was getting to a place where it was painful for me - in fact - it seemed more painful than just doing what I always did - I didn't see how the program helped at all. I can remember sharing with my sponsor that I just didn't see the point of continuing if it was going to lead to more pain. The Merry-go-round Named Denial was incredibly helpful to me in giving me concrete information on what will happen as we continue to work our program and how necessary it is for us to have healthy support and care from folks in the program who had been there, done that. I came to grips with the fact that I truly was powerless over my son and his disease and if I wanted to get off the merry-go-round, I would need to cry my way, feel my way, talk my way through it with my sponsor and good fellowship friends, and keep on returning to meetings and doing program work because I truly couldn't go back. I had to go through. Regardless of what he does, you are progressing and I'm glad you're here.
I can share this only because it has come from my husbands mouth. His shame, guilt and desire to use kept him quiet. I spent way too much time trying to,understand him and I learned it was a way of distracting me from my own recovery. Good that you have meetings that you are attending...and I so understand the feelings you have about those that go on and on and on
The other shares are golden and helpful for me to sit sit with...
I forgot to answer your question, yes, there are other models, yet the ones we support here are a great foundation for recovery.
-- Edited by PP on Monday 12th of January 2015 09:30:09 AM
I can also ditto what paula said about "shame and guilt" Your A
needs to face himself And his demons that is a lot to do. First they
need ego squashing Which is huge, hand over their will to God and
want/willing to change.
Those are massive undertakings to an A. They drank because
A's have low coping skills and are emotionalky immature and
Stunted people especially if they started young they missed normal
growing And maturity that the rest if us have to face. Its called reality
and life Skills.
Thank you for posting this Oceanpine - the replies you have received are wonderful and helping me as well.
I understand the feelings that you express in your last paragraph - I can't tell you how many times I've thought about babies and bathwater!! I catch myself with those fears and worries as well and can make myself very anxious projecting about what my 'right' future should be. Sometimes I gift myself time out from those worries. Pinkchip once wrote something along the lines of 'more will be revealed' and I use that phrase on a regular basis when I need a break from worrying and shift myself into a 'just for today' lower gentler gear.
PS I've come to believe that perhaps we don't have to work as hard as we think we do!
