when I first started going to Al Anon I also thought "why am I here? he is the one with the problem." I would just listen at meetings for a long time. I heard about some members who stayed with the A and some who didnt. when your boyfriend tells you going to Al Anon means you support him and want to stay with him...well...thats his desire!! it doesnt mean you have to go down that path. After I was in Al Anon a litle over a year, I found the courage to leave my AH. I had a sponsor at the time, and I still have the same sponsor. Al Anon doesnt tell us what to do. Its a place for us to work on ourselves. Al anon has helped me detach. I dont agree with every single thing that is said in meetings...but we are told to "take what you like and leave the rest."
The books are a good place to start if you cant go to meetings often.
I have found when I question my AH on his meeting attendance and if he has a sponsor, he gets upset too. AA is his program and I have learned I cant run it for him. I can tell if he is going to meetings just by the way he acts and the way he treats me. One thing in the "Dos and Donts" we read says "dont keep checking up on the alcoholic". The only checking up I do is if it involves my daughters safety if he is going to watch her. otherwise, I dont question him
when you said you cant even be in the same room as him, i think thats your answer.
It sounds like he is trying to sell you AA, not a car this time. you will be able to tell over time if he is changing or not.

Step 1 to me was letting go of the fact that alcohol has more power over my husband than I do. my life had become unmanageable because he was drinking too much...which in turn caused a lot of problems in my life. Alcohol was/is also causing me to act obsessive and controlling. I would check and see how many empty bottle were around the house. I would smell his breath, etc. just crazy stuff. So step 1 helped me let go of his problems. 

Look up on this page to your right, on top, says step work board. Betty is GREAT at helping with steps.

It was hard for me to admit I was powerless. But in learning that the disease is A's and A's alone, and not one can help him but him, I learned to let go.

I couldn't do anything anyway so why bother. It became as silly as thinking I can pick up a 500 pound rock, stop the rain,make it snow, eat as much as I want and not get overfat....I wish.

If you go to that board, others can share their esh how they got the steps. Now the inventory one for me, I admitted and made amends for the negative, but i also lookek at my positives.

Remember we do have meetings here. They are great! The 90 in 90 is just a good guide. But honestly when I was so hungry for knowledge from Al Anon I loved that part of my day or night.

It's normal to get angry! Its a lot of information to take in, you hear very emotional stories. Then you will see the more seasoned ones who are living the program and how they are doing. YOu will see they have tough times too! I learn so much from newbies! I absorb everyone's posts here and always get something from them.

I am so glad you are here, now hand me that cute baby! (c:

Welcome! Yep, it's definitely an option to work the program online. There are a number of sites including this one that offer online meetings. The program is for anyone who has been touched by alcoholism whether or not they are living with an alcoholic. Many of us have developed unhealthy coping behaviors due to either coming from a family where alcoholism is present or getting involved in some way with an alcoholic. That's the short answer as to why meetings have been helpful to me for many years.

As far as step one and particularly the alcohol reference in that step, relates to our own thinking and actions in response to the alcoholics in our lives or due to unhealthy beliefs we've acquired from being around alcoholism and how these have resulted in feeling ill and ill at ease. I've lived with alcoholism in the home and without it but until I began addressing the underlying issues of my own dis-ease, I wasn't able to feel comfortable in my own skin and serene. I try to keep this through continuing to connect with others in Alanon and working the steps daily.

Yes, you're correct that the steps are the same aside from the last talks about carrying the message to others, wherein AA's step 12 reads "other alcoholics."  We get better by better understanding ourselves through working the Alanon program. We don't get better by better understanding the alcoholics in our lives. Their recovery is their own personal journey in AA with their fellows. The same can be said about our recovery journey in Alanon.

If you're curious, keep coming back. You'll know something resonates with you here on this board or another and by attending some online meetings. The Alanon program is one of attraction not promotion. For me, it's been one of the best things to touch my life so I will keep coming to meetings and work recovery for the rest of my life. You'll make your own decision as to what's right for you.  Wishing you and your boyfriend the best.   TT

Katrina.... I do need someone to explain step one to me please, and what to expect.  I'm also afraid this means that if I join Al anon, it means that I am supporting my boyfriend and giving him a chance to get better.  That's what he told me. What if I don't want to be with him anymore? Can I still work the program?  I would be willing to try the program online if possible, just to try it out, is that an option?  It is hard to get to the one near my home, it is late at night and I can't find an earlier one.

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step one, admitted we were powerless over boyfriends drinking and that trying to control this, fix this, obsess about this is making my life UNmanageable...(paraphrasing step one for your situation)   basically it is admitting we are powerless over another person's behaviour and our lives our unmanageable....

why?? unmanageable?? b/c deep down we are doing something to control....wanting him to change..wanting different outcome...we can only change ourselves..which is what we find out working step one....we give up the seduction of control and we surrender to love of self, we surrender to our higher power, we let ALL those plates we are juggling up in the air, fall to the ground if they must, b/c we are wearing ourselves out trying to juggle stuff that is not ours to juggle.......

your going to alanon is to take care of you, NOT to support or be unsupportive to him....alanon is all about you and how his drinking has impacted you...its to help you get your life back and to detach from him and his problems...whether you leave or stay,  HIS stuff is for HIM to deal with and not you....

Of COURSE you can still work the program if you dump him....i dumped my X's and I am here....alanon is MY life preserver, its about ME and what drinking, past or present has/had done to me......

if face 2 face is not doable, i did on line and i thrived just fine....

let him work his own stuff, you work yours.....and he will throw the ole "poor me, look at what i am going through"  and not a thought to what his actions put you through......I would be nice when you talk, tell him you hope he does fine w/program, be positive, but make it clear that HIS issue is HIS,  NOT yours....you did't cause this,  will never control this, and for sure won't cure this......

i got rid of my alcoholics,  i do speak to a few, but distance......i take care of me and i will 4ever qualify for alanon.....IN SUPPORT

Katrina324 wrote:

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Thank you Neshema,
I love the picture of you with the baby! How do I go about working the steps on this forum?

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 thanks Kat....there is a step board HERE, I think.......Betty will know b/c I think she does a lot of work on it......hopefully she will see this and advise.....

Katrina, the steps of Al-Anon and AA are the same because Al-Anon was founded by the spouse of the  founder of AA. He was in recovery when she discovered the anger and resentment that she still held deep within and decided that she had been affected by alcoholism just  as her spouse. It was then that she set about to develop a program for those who have lived with the disease. That is how Al-Anon came about and that is why we use the same tools.

We are powerless over the disease of alcoholism in another but we are not powerless over the disease in ourselves. The steps are key to recovery as we are not perfect

Living with the disease of alcoholism we have developed many negative coping tools that are destructive to a healthy way of life. We have lost the focus on our own life and selves and are other directed.

The first step which says we are powerless over alcohol is a statement that is hard to accept. In our program it means that no matter what we do, say, think or act we cannot permanently affect a change in another person's drinking behavior.

Once we accept this painful concept we are set free to turn the focus on ourselves and fix what in us is causing us pain. The remaining steps are about looking inward and finding what destructive behavior we have developed in order to survive and replacing that with the ability to live life on life's terms.

The Courage to Change and the ODAT has several readings on the steps in total and on each individual step. Working with the sponsor is always helpful. There is hope

Our Step Board is reached by this address http://stepwork.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42763  You must re register to post on that Board. You are  most welcome to read the shares and share yourself