How do you know the difference between punishing and being true to yourself? - Al-Anon Family Group

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you know the difference between punishing and being true to yourself?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Truth wrote:
I would appreciate any e/s/h on this topic. I am looking within checking with my values and making decisions. I say no now when it is not in line with my values. As in true form with my second guessing myself (I am trying to shift that thought to lol),

punishing has a "back at ya" attitude/mentality....like "ok, u did this, i am gonna smack you with that" Being true to me is just keeping the focus on me/taking care of me

being true to me is there again..checking my motives why i am setting boundry, standing up for me....is this REALLY all for me/ about me /to take care of me??? a quick step 10 solves that usually, or talk w/my sponsor.....

MOTIVE is the main definer.....is it to take care of me??? if yes??? i am being true to me

is it to change another?? to see them sweat?? to see them hurt??? then it is revenge/punishment

just my take, use what you can and discard the rest......

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Nemesha that was exactly what I needed.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

wow what a great question!

I was only punished once in my life when I forgot to call home to let my Mother know I was at a friends and going to go to football game after school. I just never gave it a thought. grounded a month! got paroled at two weeks...

hmmm example. I don't even punish my dogs and rarely my kids.

Being true to me, when A relapsed and quit calling me if he was going to be later than six pm after work, I chose to go ahead and make dinner. He could warm it up.

I could have just made my own dinner, to punish him. but being true to me, I felt better about me by caring about my husband, who was very sick.

I guess what I see thinking about this is, I didn't punish, but if I did, it would do no good anyway, and I would feel bad about myself.

Live and let live I guess. I guess one could stop and think, if i do this I will feel..... then make the decision.

For me there is no joy in hurting someone or something else. I worked with kids how were in gangs. I never punished them like other teachers. I would ask them how it made them feel, if they would do it again. Punishment would only make them feel worse about themselves. Positive reinforcement is better for me.

As far as my ex A. I would say when he came home early or did call, I love it when you let me know, or I am so glad you are home, I am making blah blah for dinner.

Of course there were times when he would feed his dinner to the dogs. trying to get me to flip. I didn't, he hated that about me. Plus I love my dogs and was happy they got a treat! lol

such a great question!! I mean that!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 8th of January 2015 03:56:14 PM

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn

Thank you .... I struggle with this one I guess because I have been accused of it and then I check my motives over and over. I am really beginning to see me I think. I don't have a "back at you attitude"..... I do have a "I really don't like this so I am not going to do it attitude". I just want process this a little more that is why I am trying to dig a little deeper.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

(c: truth, do you believe if i had said to A when he came in late,"I made your favorite dinner, however since you were late I fed it to the dogs!" ???? hehe

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope I understand your question....

No I think that would be mean ... Lol

However, being true to myself I don't know I would have made dinner. I might have just went for dinner ....

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

K Nemesha I went and looked at Step 10 and 11 again. ..... Thanks for pointing me in that direction.

It is making sense again and I am less confused. Daily practice

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Good reach out truth and this was a very important subject (2 part) early on in my growth in the program...punishing for me was a behavior and a reactive one. I punished because my will wasn't verified or I punished because my expectations were not met and my feelings hurt or my ego suppressed. I punished often because I was impatient lacking compassion and empathy and I also punished to enact power whether it was justified or not. I punished within fear...punishment was a reactive behavior regardless of the level I employed...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I was punished that way too and other ways. I was punished thru religious belief, unjustly. My family was broken up by a conservative religious organization while at the same time they verbally and emotionally punished me because I believed (Christian) the way I did rather than their way. In my own family while I was born left handed I was punished by virtue of the bible/church beliefs that taught that the left hand was the hand of the devil...my left hand was immobilized so I could not use it and had only to revert to my right hand...punishment for not measuring up regardless of natural conditions.

In recovery my value system was reformed based upon what I discovered thru inventories and comparisons training. What I learned in inventories was how I was treated and how I treated others and in comparisons by listening in the fellowship how I/we felt, thought, and desired life to be for us. My value system today is that I will treat others and myself ...Fair/honest/ and Just. That is how I want to be treated in return and the first place and what I have heard in the rooms from the fellowship. Of course alcoholism and drug addiction behaviors and consequences don't even come close to this value system. When I am true to myself I treat others as myself and do not allow others to treat me elsewise by purpose. (((((hugs))))) smile

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for the response Jerry. I think I have done this my whole life. I am not saying I don't have punishing thoughts.... I am human ... I just don't react to them. Now your second part is where I still need some work I think .... Deb said to check with my feelings .... I know this sounds weird but sometimes I just feel yucky and I cannot tell if it misappropriate guilt or did I deny that I am punishing. I know this confusion stems from growing up with a mentally ill mother. I love my mom she has a good moral compass (on her meds), however her bipolar causes her to shame others into doing things she could do for herself. I was a natural enabler because quite frankly I didn't know as a child that was not okay. Help??

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is an example of the feeling ... I guess I am trying to label it. My mom would do stuff like this.... I would be in the middle of finals at university and she would phone for me to drive hours to clean her house because she was sick. However, along with that you would want to say no but would get the "good daughter" comparison. So I would drag myself five hours to do that....get completely stressed to the point of getting sick myself....so I didn't have to hear how horrible I was. I am able to say no to her know without feeling yucky. With the ex-A and co-parenting I say no and still feel yucky. Am I still trying to play the "good ex" role?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I should also add if it was a completely third party asking to do the same thing with our son .... I would just say no and be fine with my decision.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

Good reach out truth and this was a very important subject (2 part) early on in my growth in the program...punishing for me was a behavior and a reactive one. I punished because my will wasn't verified or I punished because my expectations were not met and my feelings hurt or my ego suppressed. I punished often because I was impatient lacking compassion and empathy and I also punished to enact power whether it was justified or not. I punished within fear...punishment was a reactive behavior regardless of the level I employed...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I was punished that way too and other ways. I was punished thru religious belief, unjustly. My family was broken up by a conservative religious organization while at the same time they verbally and emotionally punished me because I believed (Christian) the way I did rather than their way. In my own family while I was born left handed I was punished by virtue of the bible/church beliefs that taught that the left hand was the hand of the devil...my left hand was immobilized so I could not use it and had only to revert to my right hand...punishment for not measuring up regardless of natural conditions.
In recovery my value system was reformed based upon what I discovered thru inventories and comparisons training. What I learned in inventories was how I was treated and how I treated others and in comparisons by listening in the fellowship how I/we felt, thought, and desired life to be for us. My value system today is that I will treat others and myself ...Fair/honest/ and Just. That is how I want to be treated in return and the first place and what I have heard in the rooms from the fellowship. Of course alcoholism and drug addiction behaviors and consequences don't even come. When I am true to myself I treat others as myself and do not allow others to treat me elsewise by purpose. (((((hugs)))))

Aha Jerry lightbulb moment... I get it!!!!! It is guilt. I would say no to myself if I were doing it so if I say yes I am enabling.....if I say no I am saying no to myself as well!!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes it's hard to think it though with just your feelings and mind. Get the paper and pen out and do the pro and con thing. You never know if something doesn't click in doing this.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

So I got out the pen and paper and reviewed it. I said no because it was consistent with my core value...so check. I was consistent in my communication .... Check.

I made the decision consistent to my core value. I did however see that I still need better emotional boundaries and detachment.
So my question is I get that I am getting an expectation placed on me by another....if I value being kind what is the best way to respond?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.