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I'm wondering if any of you have ESH on dealing with repeated anger. I mean my own anger.
I am a pretty reactive and emotional person anyway, so I think I have an underlying tendency to have strong responses. But on a day-to-day basis I don't feel angry and I don't express any anger.
But then from time to time, maybe once every 2-4 months, something happens and I am just flooded with huge, burn-the-world-down anger. The situation is generally the same. It's when I have made myself vulnerable in some way and the person is dismissive of me or expresses contempt for my situation.
However, most of these situations are trivial and not worth any anger at all, really, so I know the anger is really about old situations and about the pain I experienced growing up and in bad relationships.
I try the "Don't React," but it's as if I'm in a whirlwind. I react less than I feel like, but I do snap at the person or say something I regret later. It takes a couple of hours for the anger to wear off, and it's really hard to be Not Reacting for two hours of having to interact when you're seething and raging and feeling like you're in a tornado.
So I'm looking for how I can maybe reduce the strength of the reaction in the first place, rather than just controlling my response. I mean feeling less anger at all.
I've done years of therapy and Al-Anon and personal growth, and I feel like I've grown a lot, but the anger thing hasn't changed very much. I'm still experiencing it. I still hate it and feel remorse after it's over.
I can relate- and I still tend to see "red" when triggered because I attach so much to the much smaller offense. I use a number of tools and I'm always a work in progress: "how important is it?"- what are the facts?, "breathe", "quit taking it personally", "can I identify exactly what I'm angry about and is this something I can do a 4th step with?", "what result do I want and can I influence it by saying something intelligent, kind, meaningful and in a brief way?"
Good Post Mattie and reach out...I'm gonna listen to the feedback also because anger bordering on rage at times really disturbs me also. I can inventory the events after they happen to find out the core cause and then go over solutions. "Opposites" for me are a regular practice meaning practicing the opposite of anger helps me to curb the act out. The opposite of anger for me is acceptance. I cannot feel both at the same time and the consequences are opposite. When I choose acceptance I stay level without resentments and maintain my peace of mind and serenity along with being able to work compassion and empathy if it is helpful. If my anger is from frustration and anxiety the opposites are patience and love. Anxiety for me is taproot of fear and fear and love cannot exist in the same place and time they are opposites. Inventorying the FEAR helps me to look at the False Evidence that my mind is telling me Appears Real and debunk it. I need to also accept my default personality...I am oppositional and defiant from birth and ODD is native to me...it is "first reaction" state and I honor it by keeping it in mind. If I don't stay awake to that fact I will be existing in a negative dangerous atmosphere and will attempt to standoff anyone or thing that enters my space. I find waiting for anger to subside before attending to the triggers better than trying to work thru it while I'm still affected. Listening now. (((((hugs)))))
I've only gotten that angry with two people in my life and acted on it. My x and a boss who locked me in a meat locker as a joke. With my x I dumped trash on him while he laid in bed for reasons I've said on another share. With the boss who locked me in a freezer, I socked him in the stomach as he stood laughing, not expecting 120 pound me to do anything. I also told him that if he ever mistreated me or any of the female employees again, I would tell his wife that he kept putting his hands on the women in the butcher shop where I worked and she may very well take the baby and herself away from him. I was surprised at myself both times and I've labeled that type of anger "white fury." It does not register on my face and I did strike. I am not a violent person at the core. I will defend myself when I get enough of something. My spiritual director told me it was the wrath of God rising up in me. Perhaps it was. All I know was that each person did exactly what I wanted them to do - take out the trash and take care of the babies while I recovered from pneumonia - keep your hands off your employees and locking the freezer door on people doing their jobs.
What had happened prior to both strikes was a general pattern of abuse, dismissive behavior and humiliations. They both learned - as did I - there was a fire in me and struck at enough, I would strike back and I wouldn't apologize for it. Both of them could see the fire in my eyes and they knew I meant what I said because I acted rather than just chose to talk or to ignore it.
You say that it's not really that big a thing to get that angry over. Could it be there has been a pattern of abuse coming from someone that you have tried in more conservative ways to handle and they are boundary crashers who can't hear your whispers, so you make sure they hear your roar? You seem to me to be a person who is disciplined and mature. It is hard for me to picture you getting that angry over little things. I am also a person who doesn't feel anger easily. When I do feel that angry, it isn't because I need Al-Anon, a therapist or anything of the kind. It is time for me to defend myself and my space with somebody who is a hard head.
If that isn't it, Ekhart Tolle has done some good work on the pain body for a different type of anger that I do feel from time to time. It usually has to do with ego. When I feel those surges, I've learned to think of them as a blowfish - just my ego filling up with hot air - and I don't act on those. I know they'll pass.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 12:31:28 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 5th of January 2015 12:34:20 AM
I have a very similar pattern of behaviour Mattie.
For me I think that it is a reaction against a load of subtle undermining abuse that I've let roll over me without my realising the resentments that I have built up as a result. I am flexing my boundary muscles and now when I sense a little thing that is off kilter I feel that I over react to it, but it is not just that little thing, it is the roar (to use Grateful's word) of outrage at all that has gone before.
I let myself get walked on too much and then I snap. This happened last week at work - The kids at work are manipulative juvenile delinquents (no joke - that's not a euphemism. I currently work with juvenile delinquent substance abusers in lock up). Anyhow, I try to be nice and understanding and then they start walking all over on me and I snap at them. It is improvement because I used to break down and when I snapped I didn't have control. Now - to outside forces it may look like me being assertive because I didn't yell or cry. Everything I said was pretty calculated so it was a bit more in control.
Anyhow, I think it's that we (as a group here) had a high tolerance for getting treaded on, but many of us have enough recovery in us now to know it's not right so....work in progress. When I figure it out, I'll let you know lol. I do know that I used to just start crying and have a dramatic breakdown when angry so...progress.
Mattie, this can be very disturbing, it was for me for many years. From what I can tell of you from this forum, I see you as able to withstand much and a source of strength for others. Anger still wells within me when I feel dismissed, especially when I have exposed my vulnerability, then I feel betrayed. I handle it differently now. It doesnt come on as often as it used to and when it does I am with it, not judging, I listen. I talk it out with a recovery friend to get the feelings out, then I get quiet, I surrender and listen. Music helps, painting helps, sitting in front of my fireplace with a cup,of coffee, meditating, journaling and sometimes some wild dancing I do what resonates with me...it may be different for you. What I believe to be most important for me is to not make the anger wrong or feel shame.
So I'm looking for how I can maybe reduce the strength of the reaction in the first place, rather than just controlling my response. I mean feeling less anger at all.
Hi Mattie,
I have been spending much time over the past year trying to feel as much as I can. I used to just stuff anger then, like a water balloon slipping out between my fingers, it would blow in the most unexpected of places!
I have been trying to feel my anger (and other emotions) more, but learn how to respond, not react. Having said that, I had an episode much like you are describing on Saturday night. It was partially caused by a headache I was experiencing at the time, but also by a resentment that I tried to stuff about something denied to me. Sunday morning my head was better, and I was able to make better decisions and better able to evaluate the situation which I was reacting to, and develop a plan to respond instead. But it certainly ruined my Saturday night!
So I am watching this thread closely, thanks for starting it Mattie, and thanks everyone for the responses!
I can relate to this mattie and ive not quite worked it out for myself yet. For me, i can build up resentments and when i hurried or stressed i can snap. I can be impatient with people at times. That explosive anger when i first got to alanon was years of pent up frustration and waking up to the world as is can be pretty infuriating at times. Denial was my enemy but the rose coloured glasses i had on were quite good. Ive been thinking the answer lies in the steps, i believe that as i keep digging into my self i can work through resentments and shortcomings and when i get better at them i think i will have tools to cooe with my emotions in a healthy way.
Oh I can relate here too! I'm kind of relieved that I'm not the only one...what i am TRYING to do about this is not take things so personally, remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion and ithey don't have to see things my way...this all much easier if I am taking the time to do the things that I need to do for my own self-health. If life gets crazy busy (and it usually does) and I start feeling harried I have a harder time keeping my cool.
My major source of anger is my AH. Built up resentment, anger, disappointment time and time again and sketchy-ness all leave me quite stressed and then one day it all comes SCREAMING out...it's not pretty. However just recently I was convicted of the fact that I choose to be in this situation and if I'm not ready to change that, then I better stop blaming someone else's behavior and own that I am in control of my own life, and how I respond. It's the harder thing to do, but I hve less regrets when I bite my tongue :) just my personal experience with my own anger issues.
Oh, Fairlee!!!!!!!! Such maturity and wisdom and self-responsibility I see here! That is so true! "...I was just convicted of the fact that I choose to be in this situation and if I'm not ready to change that, then I better stop blaming someone else's behavior and own that I am in control of my own life, and how I respond!" Wow! Wow! Wow!
