emotional ride - Al-Anon Family Group

hopes314 · Senior Member

emotional ride

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to back out and away when that happens for me. I am one person who can only listen to so much negativity. It is important for me to move away from too much negative energy for my own health, regroup, and then I'll return. I have to hang out in the sunshine of health with others where there are normal challenges to have balance in my life. Not everybody goes through what some families affected by alcoholism endure. I need both Al-Anon and not Al-Anon for my own wellbeing. Most of my meetings though are not depressing. I am mostly in groups where people laugh a lot or have a lot of good e/s/h to share.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 4th of January 2015 10:42:06 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 4th of January 2015 11:28:13 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hopes314 wrote:

but I am having a hard time with everyone emotional truths.
How can I manage my emotional state while hearing terrible things.

VERY interesting question, and yea, when i first started out, I guess I was the odd ball, yea, i felt for them, and wanted to support, esh, but i was so much in pain myself, that i was kinda selfish...i kept the focus on me....i remember getting triggered by some shares, saddend by some, feeling angry at the ones who just want sympathy/attention and were not really working program, but i just kept saying to myself its just like any peer support group...i am gonna hear some bad stuff, painful stuff, just like when i share my pain, someone else may feel kinda anxious at my shares, but its all part of recovery....to FEEL to RELATE to EMPATHIZE rather then sympathize.....i learned....i also saw that i was not alone in my suffering...i was not a freak, a mis fit, I was HOME when I went to the meets....and yea, some stories/shares provoked more emotion in me than others, but thru time and practice, I would feel for them, but not *absorb* their pain....i could empathize then detach, lovingly, and go home and i would be ok....

i remember when my sponsor and i started to get close (not my current BFF/Sponsor but another, now deceased sponsor) and she told me some pretty horrific memories she was having and yea, i felt great empathy, i wanted to just hug her and listen, but we were not of the same state, so i just listened on the phone and i could do it w/out absorbing her pain, empathizing , yet detached enough to not be wrecked over it.....there are some things that i have to really work my program on after hearing...stuff about children gets to me....can't stand to hear about a child being tormented in anyway....big trigger, but slowly i am able to manage that, but i do put limits on how much i can "hear" or "see" on a share when it comes to a child.....sometimes i can only hear so much and then i have to , if in a fac2fac meet or on line, even, i will get up and go to kitchen for drink or get up and stretch b/c i have limits on what i can handle re: certain shares.....i just have to detach and send them love energy......

you will get used to it...its good to FEEL, but its not so good to absorb another's experience b/c it would drain or deplete you....balance is something we learn with practice.

anway, that is my take.....hope it helped you some......

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hopes. I can absolutely identify with the feelings that you described and found that I felt the same when I first discovered Al-Anon. My sponsor suggested that this was the way I responded out in the world to sad situations. I felt the feelings of the other people, and because I felt those feelings I tried to fix the situation that was not mine to fix. That sounded very complicated but true.

She suggested that the reason there is no crosstalk at meetings is that many of us feel the same way and want to jump in and give advice and fix it, because we are uncomfortable in our own skin. The best way to recover our emotional well-being is to take care the feelings that arise within ourselves by using the Al-Anon tools. When I begin to feel sad or angry or upset because of someone else's trials, I turned to myself and use the slogan such as you are powerless over this situation,, let go and let God. Then I list my assets and my gratitude and before long I'm feeling calm within.

Eventually I am able to hear the stories without wanting to give advice and can feel compassion, empathy and understanding for the person who is sharing and am able to offer positive support. It is all a process and does take time. Sharing, and learning to listen with an open mind is extremely important to our recovery. Just keep coming back and using the tools. It is all a process and you're on your way.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a friend on facebook who would share these horror stories about animals and chidren being tormented, killed, etc., and i had to unfriend her b/c I just can't be exposed to that stuff...if i am powerless to help, then i don't want to hear about it

in a meeting, if it gets too heavy, like i said, i just get up, go to restroom or kitchen if i am on line, and i disconnect....I can only handle so much about certain shares and then i have to get away from it

i now belong to a "lets talk justice" page and some of the horrendous news stories they share about , I had to "unfollow" in that i can go onto the page and check out the trials i might be interested in, but most of them, i just can't do....i scroll on by....some good friends of mine started that page, but its getting too heavy for me...I am thinking of getting off entirely, because as grateful said, there is enough negativity in this life that i can't avoid, why go out and purchase it if i can avoid it????

i just don't want to hear the horrible crap man does to man anymore, not on these news pages and trial pages.....OH and the animal abuse stuff.....I unfriended a LOT of people b/c their stuff was just too depressing for me to hear.....politics, religion, abuse of ANY vulnerable creature, I just don't want to "go there" make it fun or I am unfriending......

i guess i got saturated w/ it working my step 4 and really seeing w/my own eyes just how bad i got torn to shreds......I am more selective...if a person really is seeking to help themselves and they need esh and i have it, i will do what i can, but re: certain offenses, I have to limit my exposure.....i will always, perhaps, be over sensitive when it comes to the kids, creatures, and other vulnerables..

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:

She suggested that the reason there is no crosstalk at meetings is that many of us feel the same way and want to jump in and give advice and fix it, because we are uncomfortable in our own skin. The best way to recover our emotional well-being is to take care the feelings that arise within ourselves by using the Al-Anon tools. When I begin to feel sad or angry or upset because of someone else's trials, I turned to myself and use the slogan such as you are powerless over this situation,, let go and let God. Then I list my assets and my gratitude and before long I'm feeling calm within.

Eventually I am able to hear the stories without wanting to give advice and can feel compassion, empathy and understanding for the person who is sharing and am able to offer positive support. It is all a process and does take time. Sharing, and learning to listen with an open mind is extremely important to our recovery. Just keep coming back and using the tools. It is all a process and you're on your way.

WOW!! now i understand the why no crosstalk, also i think there is no crosstalk is b/c so many of us felt minimized, criticized, dismissed, even, and even challenged, being compelled to keep my mouth shut helps the others to feel safe about sharing...at least that is what i see re: crosstalk, but i didnt' think about what u r sayin here that is very enlightening......and how many times have i said to me "you cant help them, you are powerless" etc...however on certain shares, i do have to set limits...dunno if that will change over time, but certain things i set limits.......i am getting better at the "want to fix it" part, only b/c i try to watch/check in with me regularly.....as a recovering coda, it is a tendency for me to want to "fix" what is NOT within my power to fix.....more and more i can, if i regularly work my program, detach after eshing someone and let go.......wow!!! its simple (program) but it aint easy.......

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Some of us are hard wired to absorb stuff we cannot see, yet is very much around us. I know this about me and I take extra care of myself. When I take care of my physical, emotional and spiritual needs, I am better able to listen to others with compassion, witness the pain and not take it on. If I am in a tender place, I do the best I can to stay detached, and, remind myself they have a higher power that will care for them. And there are times I just have to be alone to regroup and get my footing. Know you, honor your needs, talk with your sponsor and other people in recovery...it is important to verbalize these feelings so they don't get stuck in your body.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I still struggle with wanting to fix but at first, I wanted to shout at everyone to leave their qualifiers. Sticking around here and in meetings has helped me gain empathy and a greater understanding about other's journeys and what they might need to endure, experience, and learn things different than me and in a time line that isn't mine. I can also learn from them because, even when someone is sharing really painful and seemingly negative stuff, there is still a spark in them that usually wants to heal or they would not be there and wouldn't be sharing in the first place. I had a client in rehab once whose father brutally murdered her mother...I actually saw more strength and healing in her when she started talking about it than ever before. It strangely made me feel good for her because it was progress for her.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Some of us are hard wired to absorb stuff we cannot see, yet is very much around us. I know this about me and I take extra care of myself. When I take care of my physical, emotional and spiritual needs, I am better able to listen to others with compassion, witness the pain and not take it on. If I am in a tender place, I do the best I can to stay detached, and, remind myself they have a higher power that will care for them. And there are times I just have to be alone to regroup and get my footing. Know you, honor your needs, talk with your sponsor and other people in recovery...it is important to verbalize these feelings so they don't get stuck in your body.

yea, i agree with this and have done that....when my brother had another "crisis' and hes needing me, i had injured my back....i was in horrrendous pain, and i just had to tell him i was injured, in severe pain and just had nothing to give....sorry, I will pray for you and i got off the phone

I am still struggling with this thing..physical therapy, trunk/core strengthening exercises and doing all i can, but something tells me i may have permanent damage with this latest spasm.....or it is going to be a long time healing....i may have back trouble 4ever.....i must be prepared to accept it and when i am "sore" and having either physical or emotional pain of my own, i put myself first now, i take care of me....and what i got left, i am happy to share, but i take care of me first......friday i worked and i was kinda sore, then it was "ok" then sat. i was sore again, so i just keep doing the exercises, watching , making sure i am not aggravating anything and finally took a muscle relaxor and sunday, i am ok again.....i hope i will heal , gonna do my best to overcome this, i cannot go through another episode that bad again., just CANT, so i am really doing all the therapy on me that i can..........i have to set aside money for my dogs/cat to be vet checked...heartworm test (used to be ea. 2 years, now they want $$$ so its every year) and rabies shots and meds...$200 about in all......so pets , then, if this back is still not moving forward, i will go to chiropractor....ins. doesn't cover that much, i have to pay $65 for exam, $30 for visit....$30 for each visit....so i am on the internet looking up stuff that i can do....trigger point therapy using pressure on the trigger points....core strengthening exercises., stretching to increase my range of motion....just anything i can do to protect against another attack......the pain was off the charts.......in a way i am afraid of my own body turning on me like that

so there are times i won't have anything to give and the others will have to put their eggs, hopefully in several baskets b/c i gotta help me first....i have to work, have to be able to work.....that sucks at my age, there is no retirement in sight....so my body has to last....so extra care i will do b/c it is essential.......so yea, Paula, i agree.....if i am not well, i have to back off and let it all go till i feel up to helping again.......

sorry, i kinda got off track........

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

In order to learn new stuff we gotta keep coming back and asking for it as you have just done. I learned slogans and new behaviors and understanding to be able to sit and listen to the pains from other victims of the disease we all were in the room because of. I brought my story and then found out it also belonged to others and then found out I couldn't fix the alcoholic/addict and then the fellowship of the family group and lots of times not even myself. I learned that Al-Anon is a "We" program and that even included a power greater than "We". I learned the power of the 12th step along with the power of "letting go and letting God". I was taught that the best help I could give was to share my Experiences, Strengths and Hopes with another while listening. I learned that the reason my hands are not joined together at the finger tips is that I can separate them and allow another member to be free to practice the program the best way "they know" how. I learned that both Misery and Miracle start with the letter M and we replace one with the other when we work the program as suggested and then share it.

Yeppers "emotional ride" is very very appropriate at times for this journey...you are normal. Emotions are choices. They are not defaults...you get to choose to feel how you want to feel at any one time and often in a meeting or on this board I choose to feel empathy, and compassion and mercy without the need to fix. The M iracle comes when the newbie learns to do the fix themselves using the tools we lay at their feet which we have used ourselves and found would work if we just work them.

You're in the right place hopes...you're growing and progressing on to the next step. Thanks for sharing how it's done. (((((hugs))))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My meetings are actually qujte uplifting. People do share their stories but they always share how they deal with it and how they are still having a prety good life. I got to the stage where i know that hard times and sad stories serve a purpose. People get strength from the tough times. I did and its the bad times that got me to alanon.

Could there be an underlying reason for your feelings that your projecting to others? When im feeling unsettled the answers usually lie within myself.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

My meetings are mostly full of good and positive karma.
Sometimes people talk about abuse they suffered when
They were younger. It is their pain and hurt to tend to
In the way that is best for them.

Some of the stuff is 30 + Years ago. I know i have plenty
of old pain i do not want to Deal with at this time but it does
bubble up if someone is Talking about their dysfunctional
childhood and they still suffer from emotional Scars from
those days.

I have enough in my present life to deal with emotionally
I really dont want to go there yet. My mother is still alive
And highly dysfunctional. She is 82 i have given her loads
Of boundaries. Now i wont discuss my upcoming divorce
At all with her. Other than my mother i keep negative
People at bay. For my own protection and sanity, i have
Enough emotional turmoil to deal.

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